Cash-N-Carry...

Good morning!

As I delve deeply into what I believe will be one of the greatest things I have ever done for myself, I see some little "side benefits" that lay hidden in the planning process, but have become very apparent while putting the plan into action. I have begun the very rough draft of the transcript for my book that I have been urged by many to write and that I have always known was in me to write...BUT during my time of preparation, I had a very hard time figuring out a particular classification, or manner (fiction/nonfiction)of laying it all out. I have decided that though I have a very active imagination, I would not delve into fiction (at least for right now) as I find the time that it would take to place what I know into a character context with a plot would be immense, not to mention, somewhat limiting to the purpose of it as a whole. So I have weighed the pros and cons..should I limit what I know to a story line with a final outcome..showcasing my imagination for the purpose of entertainment, or should I just BE it? The first thing every author must possess and convey to his/her readers is credibility. If I AM what I write, then I suppose that question is answered before it is posed. I am credible. I have often heard..."do what you know" or in the context of writing "write what you know." This is the genesis of my largest creation (besides that of my children). Funny I mention that, as I am finding that this process is much the same as becoming pregnant and giving birth. My pregnancy has lasted a LOOOONNNNGGG time...and I have nurtured the child inside to its maximum benefit, and now am ready to give this baby LIFE outside.

I spoke early on of the side benefits of this, and they are: Therapy. It is amazing the emotion you stir up when you are reliving old lessons, and equally amazing and maybe even more-so is how much you haven't learned hiding under those stones you had unwittingly left unturned. Every SPECK of your life contains within it a vantage point and every vantage point leads to a single focus, and that focus is where you find yourself right now. I cannot help but hurt for those who cannot and/or do not see it this way. This would mean that their entire existence here in their denial, blindness, or refusal to see and experience is utterly and unequivocally without meaning. It is going from one "pleasure" to the next because let's face it, pleasure is EASY to attain isn't it? It is EVERYWHERE..it is basically disposable and biodegradable. It is used to its capacity, thrown away, and absorbed into the thin air. WOW! JOY; however, is a different creature altogether. When truly experienced, joy multiplies and populates. It is foundational and lasting. This is what permeates me as I walk in all that I was meant to be.

I am told very often that the expanse of my mind borders on the uninterpretable & I laugh to myself because it is the only way I know how to be, not because I have conditioned myself to BE this way, but more because I have finally accepted that my innate infrastructure is one of RESISTING condition. I believe this is why my vantage point is so hard to understand by others and why it is so hard for me to convey the things I have come to understand from my perspective. I have to KNOW everything...NOT for the purpose of being a know-it-all, but more because I know that there is always SO MUCH MORE to everything than what appears on the surface and I have an endless need to learn and grow. I am seeing this force unfold exponentially now as I set in motion this call...and observe very keenly, my focus. There are things I had "missed" in the intial experience that I have found years later in my revisit. Some of these things have brought laughter, some tears, some anxiety, some peace...but most of all, more wisdom, more knowledge, more strength, and more tenacity and a knowing that what I set my mind, my heart, and my hand to do right now in this rough draft of "what I know" is the center-most point of its culmination.

INTENT is the MOTHER OF RISK....

The human race is constructed within and around a vast network of relationships. When others are involved in our "securities," our very life is centered around a series of risks we take. The only risk we will not EVER take is falling in line with what IS and clothing your actions in the right reasons. If I write this book with the intent of securing my financial future, I leave my destiny to RISK. If I write this book to gain notoriety, I reduce my experience to RISK. If the gain I reach for in writing this book is one of pleasure, my blood, sweat, and tears (literally) are given away to that temporary feeling. If I enter in with no preconceived notion, but do it because I AM it...I speak outside of EGO. I speak in my true voice. The thing I do is write..it is a gift given to me to allow my spirit to speak...it isn't the definition nor my label. Check your intent.

I do this because: It is in me to do and for NO other reason. I am not focused on any outcome...I am focused on the journey, the purpose, and unbeknownst to me at onset, the therapy.

What is it that calls to you and what gift do you possess to realize this calling? Everyone has one...everyone. And more importantly, what kind of service to others could you indeed be if you were to utilize it--OR--if you are utilizing it now, what reasons are you assigning to it? Are you reducing it to personal gain or are you spreading it and encouraging it to populate. Observe where your mind takes you in the silence.

Your TRUE heart lies where your mind frequently travels. If you feel lost and cannot find it, examine your intent, purify and refine it..."For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Landslide

This says it all...this is what it is all about...foolish feelings aside...concentrating on my work, my writing, my destiny. Been him-hawin' way too long...time to put my gift first, after all it is mine and I have put it up, admired it, dressed it up, talked about it, thought about it..it is now time to DO IT.

And if you see MY reflection...

Signs, signs, everywhere a sign..

Hello folks!!

An equation that came to me this morning...see if you can find the answer:
Drive + kinetic energy + will = ?

Funny...but I have found that this equation developed by concentrating on the ANSWER!! And in examination of my life where it stands NOW, (until I started this blog), I felt there was a missing element. This morning, OUT OF THE BLUE..it came to me. Though the answer to this is a relative term and is really based upon each individual, it is as well UNIVERSAL...and this is how I KNOW that I know that I KNOW it is truth. I have actually realized this answer many times in my life...so I go back to examine how I reached it...and the one thing I had always subconsciously left out of it (but it WAS always present) was the term that popped into my head this morning..."kinetics", i.e., Physics, mathematics (dynamic), & chemistry. I was PRESENT, I had given my drive and my will MOTION. Now this blog, I do consider to be the kinetic energy of which I speak...however, the "answer" is not found HERE per se, but it IS motion of a distinct direction. I have had "signs" all around me that I have given my drive/determination and will WAY too much attention...but it is the kinetic energy that MUST be an EQUAL part of this equation that has been lacking. Was I DOING everything I could to realize my answer? NO! But, it is not in MY time...but when the time is RIGHT. I have laid a pretty sturdy foundation but now the foundation is complete. Now it is time to grab up those supplies that I have acquired and raise that HOUSE...time to sweat a little, set into MOTION, in equal measure with my drive and will....to REALIZE my answer to that ultimate question we all at some point in our lives reach..."what is and was the purpose of all of this." Everything we purpose to do in life is based on outcome...we already know the answer...but work through the equation to reach it.

This is how you know you are on your way to your purpose/calling/destiny.
1. When the succession of your triumphs grow larger and become more difficult.
2. When the mountains you strive to climb become more arduous, time consuming, and require more knowledge, more forethought, more "framework" to conquer---but the fear of them lessens.
3. When you set your mind to "prevention" and more carefully plan (using your time more wisely).
4. When your mind is fixated upon it night and day, it disrupts your sleep, attaches emotion to it, forces you to look back, look inside, look ahead. You feel a constant need to decode and decipher every circumstance you find yourself in...
5. AND WHEN, you can see clearly a thread linking it all together.
6. THEN WHEN you realize that ALL of that has LED YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, and has all gone in accord with the place you now find yourself...and yet you feel that something is missing.
7. AND FINALLY When the missing piece presents itself, you recognize it, you pack it up with the other pieces, throw it on your back and you RUN with it.

The answer: SUCCESS.

There are many equations that lead to this answer, as life is full of a lot of different scenarios...sometimes, we need to CHANGE the equation to suit the pending outcome. But one thing is for certain...TIME is an element that will ALWAYS be a part of any success. We have an overabundance of it...and when it starts running a little thin...we really need to stop wasting it.

"Do this, don't do that...can't you read the signs...."

My calling..

If I cry a thousand tears to wipe a single tear from another's eye,
My vision's seat is love.

If I find myself trapped within a hall of mirrors, yet can see the way clear for my brother,
My guide is love.

If my affliction and suffering can be used to comfort another in pain,
I bleed for love.

If I am learned in proper word and prose, and yet cannot express by pen nor sword my purpose,
I am convinced it is love.





If I travel to the depths and inspect each tiny crack of my very foundation,
If I run my fingers across all of those lines,
If I dare challenge myself with question and curiosity,
If I am blessed to recognize nuance of beauty in the midst of chaos,
If I set myself upon a star to search the wonders of the universe,
And...if I search to find my place and my purpose in it all, I find...

It envelopes me, I embody it...
I am LOVE.

The most valuable gifts are those given from the heart...

Good morning everyone!

I felt compelled to post this morning due to something special that happened to me last nite at work. I am SO emotional over this, it touched me SO deeply that I had to share it.

I had chance to meet last nite, two very special people. Though my encounter with them was brief and on a "professional level", the imprint they made on my heart is lasting.

From the beginning: I have lately had to change my manner of employment due to financial circumstances. Now, I have done what I am doing now before, but it had been SO many years in between that it was almost like "starting from scratch." Now I definitely have an outgoing, people-oriented personality, so that part of it came natural to me. However, the person I work for seems to "look" for mistakes, weakness, and makes no bones about letting you KNOW about them...and to date, I don't think I have ever heard a "positive comment" from this person to any of the employees there...it is always "what you need to do different, better", etc. Now this person, I am sure looks at this as "constructive" but after so much, it literally turns "destructive." You begin to feel that you cannot do anything right...EVER...and then the attitude begins to switch to "why do I even bother giving this person 110% when NONE of what I do WELL is ever recognized?" This seems to be a recurring theme in my life as a whole...one of which ALMOST makes you look at yourself and begin to believe that you are somehow defective. I KNOW better; however, and realize that I just seem to surround myself with people who build their self-esteem on control...that's all. But it still doesn't tame that "sting" of the constant negative banter...it does begin to beat you down.

Now last nite, I had an older couple come in whom I served. The lady was very petite, and spoke with a deep, classy southern draw. Her husband; however, did not. Now as I was back and forth to their table, we would engage in conversation. I spoke to the lady (in my best rendition of her accent) and said "Well, my, my, aren't you just a darlin' little southern belle" to which she smiled replied "Yes ma'am, Savannah Georgia, born and raised." Throughout the evening in our conversations, I learned that her husband was a native Western New Yorker but that they lived in Georgia and were here on a visit. I watched them toast each other with the wine they had ordered and saw very clearly the love in their eyes for one another...I was enamored by this couple.

When they had finished their meal, I boxed up for them what they could not finish, delivered their check, thanked them, and wished them a wonderful evening, a pleasant visit here, and a safe journey back home. The gentleman handed me the check with his money, said "you have been such a pleasure to talk with" and replied back "I enjoyed your company as well." I took the check/money to the register, cashed them out and noticed there was quite a large sum of change, so I returned it to the table. He looked up at me and said "Oh no darlin' that is for you." I teared up as I graciously, but hesitatntly accepted it and thanked them. When he spoke to me, he had a sort of "santa twinkle" in his eye...don't laugh...that is the truth...I NOTICE these things. Not sayin' he IS "santa"..(lol), just saying there was a spirit of understanding within him that spoke to me through his eyes.

As they got up to leave, I again wished them well, thanked them...and the little lady turned around and said "What is your name?"..I told her and asked their names. She repeated it and said to me "Ya know, I was tellin' my husband...'that girl is so beautiful and kind, she MUST have a pretty name.'" I gotta tell ya...I could barely hold it together at that point.

There are TIMES when you feel so UNRECOGNIZED, so OVERLOOKED, so ALONE...and then BAM...something like this happens JUST to let you KNOW you are valuable, you are recognized, and you are deserving.

THANK YOU Gretchen and Tom. Though my encounter with you was so very brief, how you made me FEEL will remain with me forever. I am so sad that I will probably never ever see you again but feel SO BLESSED that I was at the right place at the right time to feel back the kindness and love I always strive to give. You don't know how long I have waited for just this kind of affirmation...I am deeply touched by your kindness and your ability to SEE me. God bless you.

This quote below could very well be the reason I am so emotional over this encounter, I have no room to store this blessing...so it pours out from my heart in the form of tears and words on a website...

Malachi 3:10 “Bring the whole tithe to the storehouses, that there may be food in my house. ‘Test me in this,’ says the Lord Almighty, ‘and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.‘”

The lesson I learned is this: No matter how much someone else doesn't appreciate you, your efforts, your beliefs, your work ethic or the heart that lies "beneath" all of them, ALWAYS remain true to them even when you believe it would be easier to become what they believe OF you. Someone will come along who will recognize you AND appreciate that they have been fortunate enough to share a space in time with you...if only for a moment. Strength is built by "adding to", not taking away.

Much Love to my new friends... <3 xoxoxoxox <3 ME :)

Mirror, mirror on the wall....

Good morning ya'll!!

I'm baaack!! HA! I sit here this morning and think "man, I am SUCH an observer!" I just sit back, watch & listen to EVERYTHING going on around me. I have recently joined an online group that is geared toward making people more "aware" and to promote self-realization. Kinda the same thing I do here...only the audience on this particular site is IMMENSE. It amazes me how many people are reaching for something meaningful in themselves and their lives. I find that my "delicacy" is hard to maintain; however, as the truth CAN BE, and often times IS brutal. One thing that sticks out to me in many of these scenarios I've had chance to study is how SELF-LIMITING we are. We blame all kinds of "other" things, people, and circumstances...but the barrier lies WITHIN. I couldn't help but think...if this person was in front of me right now, I would throw a bucket of water on them, or smack them, or do something to get their ATTENTION. Have we all become so SOFT that the only way we can be "spoken" to is in a whisper? Have we become so guarded that the only thing we can do is defend? Do we turn the word and act of compassion into some snuggly, cozy, comfortable, and warm thing...that stands in agreement with everything we say, believe, and do? Do we look at EVERY trial in our lives as "life trying to cheat me & beat me", so we can create a stage for blame, accusation, and justification? I must say...from where I sit...it certainly appears this way. THIS is the problem people...

I will paste something on here that I wrote and shared on my FB account some time back, as it is apropos..it is Entitled "Wake Up":

Wonder what would happen if we stopped categorizing and cataloging, and boxing everything up into our own little comfortable compartments, and began to see new ideas and discoveries as being a "part of" instead of an "alternative to." What if we could lend our conviction to acceptance...holy shit..we may discover that there is an entire UNIVERSE out there and we may even experience substantial and meaningful things on a daily basis...what a SHAME that would be!!

THIS is how I approach the truth...no sugar-coating, no pleasing-to-the-eye nothing...Why is it so difficult for people to just take responsibility for themselves? My answer to this would be CONDITIONING...societal role playing, a governmental and media hazing ceremony...only this isn't a sorority or fraternity...these are human beings...who belong to a higher order right down to our DNA that the world is trying to program. In order to control, you have to convince FIRST. And when the “things” society tricks you into depending upon fall through, then, they have you SO down on yourself that you have no energy to STAND UP and rise against…and ultimately, they turn the tables to make it look like it was all your fault. It is no wonder there is so much addiction, hopelessness, helplessness, mental illness in our world...it is the constant battle between the inside and the outside. Unfortunately, it is this type of conditioning that turns us against ourselves and each other. What many people just don't realize is that YOU HAVE IT IN YOU TO WIN!! You cannot look at yourself as something so small in the grand scheme of things and feel defeated by it immediately. There ARE a billion holes in these feeble constructs that are designed to control….find one, build your foundation, your fortress, your power. You are in control of YOUR LIFE...you may have to let down the ego a bit, let go of anger, pain, and confusion. There is no shame in ANYTHING that you set your hand to do IF you are doing it to the best of your ability, in truth, and assigning your OWN WORTH to it. The only power in holding on to negative energy is the power to further destroy...we actually believe that holding on to those same emotions that were "used against us" and building them even larger wields more power...and it does...but it only multiplies the power turned against yourself and will lead eventually to "self-destruction." Cuz to be honest with ya... the whatever or whomever you perceive to be the "offender" has no respect for you, your feelings, your struggle, or the aftermath in which you are left to deal with...your anger is of NO consequence and if it is, it is only in satisfaction in the kill/the win/the power OVER you. If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'. Turn all of the energy you are burning away to destroy yourself to BUILDING yourself.

I sometimes wonder if there are some who get it and some who just don't...and now I am "typing out loud"...Am I one of the only ones who ever get an epiphany, turn it inward to better control my own actions, my own words, my own circumstances, and ultimately my own destiny?

Life is tough...can't and won't ever argue that, but I just cannot afford to let what I believe to be my blessings be wasted in what appears to be the easier way out. You gotta work THROUGH it to ever RISE ABOVE it...period. There are no shortcuts, no way around...We are a team..a family..if there is no self-respect, there will be none drawn to you. If you don't respect yourself, you will never behave in a respectable manner, and therefore, you will never earn respect from others. You cannot DEMAND something of which is not earned...lay blame...and expect people to join you in your battle...it starts with self-control, self-respect, self-love...what you project, you attract. No one likes a hypocrite.

"The pen that writes your life story must be held in your own hand..."

Good Sunday evening to all.

It's been a few days since my last post, but I am one who will not come here and do this thang if it doesn't feel natural...if it is not already pouring out of me before I hit this stool. No point in small talk..this is not the venue for that. I rather prefer to keep this space sacred (for the lack of a better term), and unblemished by crap that just doesn't matter. As a matter of fact, I began this post this morning, and I had to just walk away from it and leave it be for a while because I know the point I set out to make, though I couldn't relay it without going round in circles. And, let's face it, nobody has time for that....you or I. What usually flows so effortlessly seems to be damming up on me and I can only believe that maybe the time is not yet right, or my understanding of it has not yet come full-circle.

One thing I can share right now (because I DO have this figured out!)...is that EVERYTHING I do, touch, embrace, or reach for at this time in my life is not designed to just "get me through today, this week, or this month"...but rather...it HAS to be in line with who I am, what I believe in, and ultimately, my destiny....and if it is NOT...I'm JUST not having it. It is useless to me. If something just doesn't feel right about it...it ENDS NOW...not tomorrow, not after I think about it a while, not next week. If it doesn't feel right now, I have LEARNED that it never will...and there is no excuse-making for me, the situation, or anyone else..if it is wrong for me, it is just wrong, PERIOD.

I have also figured out that forgiveness comes before peace and is a pre-requisite for it...however, trust is a different animal altogether, once gone, it cannot ever be retrieved back to the height from which it has fallen...EVER. Best to move on, let it go..and rebuild elsewhere than to live in regret and resentment. I am the only one who can control the situation I find myself in and have learned not to expect or rely on some circumstance or someone else to change it or themselves for me.

I'm all I got, and ya know what...I am gonna take care of me cuz I am a precious commodity. I don't have to discomfort myself to comfort someone else, I don't have to take away from me to give to someone else, and I certainly don't have to TRY to trust a situation or someone if the situation or person has proven that it/he/she is not worthy of it. Trying to trust when I KNOW I cannot only makes me lose confidence in my ability to trust MYSELF...and THAT is detrimental to ANY movement (well except for backward, of course). It becomes an endless cycle of revisiting painful places over and over again.

You have a gut for a reason...the feelings you get there SPEAK the truth...you have reasoning skills for a reason...the messages you receive there are concrete..but only IF you are acquainted with the difference between RIGHT and WRONG...TRUTH and LIES. DO NOT choose comfort or perceived need over your dignity and WELLBEING...It will never be worth it.

Just excuse yourself, go in peace...the stars are for reaching, the sky is not the limit...growth NEVER ends..allow yourself to BE yourself and surround yourself with those things that harmonize with your soul & spirit. If you find yourself believing that you have to fight for peace, love, and respect, you're in the wrong "ring"...and it's time to join the "circle."

Well, I guess that's it for today...not all that earthshaking...I know. But I started this post this morning, and I cannot leave anything undone and sleep well at night, nor would I just delete it because I KNEW that I had begun it and out of my sight isn't out of my mind.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~e.e. cummings, 1955.

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~Ralph Ellison

"The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike, and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune." ~Boris Pasternak

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." ~Harvey Fierstein

Best wishes for a restful sleep and a mind and heart of peace.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Raina

The "threat" of humankind's promises.

Good morning!!

Well, I have finally done it...taken a step of the greatest expanse...hope and pray it pays off!! I figured, I have long legs...I can reach that far!! I didn't do high-hurdles and long-jump in Jr. High track for nothing...time to get them gams back in action!!

I've been a little disheartened the past couple of days and part of me was "prepared" for it...that part of me is ALWAYS prepared for it. Doesn't make it bother me any less...but I always know it's coming...or hoping it doesn't....and it is always attached to someone/something outside of myself...in the control of others...and I find AGAIN..that I just have to let it go, because that which is not in my control cannot occupy precious space among those things I can---one apple spoils the bunch!!

I am finding that a lot of this "letting go" is actually taking parts of me with it...but I am thinking that maybe these are parts that need recasting, strengthening, or are of just no good use to me anymore in whatever the universe has in store for me. It seems I am again wondering where I belong in all of this. I spend quite a bit of time in reflection (as if I had to tell you that!!), and I am tired of looking back, being hard on myself all the time, being my own worst critic, and trying to constantly LEARN and GROW and be the best me I can be...when there are PLENTY of people out there who are all but willing to do that FOR YOU.

I am in a "why bother" stage right now...and I hope it is only a short visit...I don't like it here..the company sucks, the food is rotten, and peace eludes me once again. But you may as well make the most of the visit, right...if you gotta be there!

This leap I have just mustered up the courage to take is more than a mere decision...it is a speaking out against a spirit of insufficiency, darkness, and outside CONTROL. I am sending out the war cry, believing it will be heard.

"Because with lies ye have made the heart of the righteous sad, whom I have not made sad; and strengthened the hands of the wicked, that he should not return from his wicked way, by promising him life"~Ezekiel 13:22.

Signed...
Following the light...always.

Nesting...

Mornin' everyone!

Well, this little cold/damp snap we are experiencing has me making out my "winterizing" to-do list! Last week (in my spare time), I organized. This week...I shall winterize!! I have not really implemented a whole lot of winterizing techniques in the past except for plastic on a select "few" windows, but this year...there will be NO crack left unattended!! With the exorbitant prices of propane this year coupled with half the income this household is accustomed to running on, it certainly will be in my very best interest to save as much of these precious resources as I possibly can!! I really HATE that money has taken such a role in promoting peace of mind in my life, but you'll have that from time to time in this economy, I guess (especially this time of year). Takes money to live...and LIVE we must! I figure that this is something that is completely within my control, so it lessens the anxiety a bit..ya do what ya gotta do, that's all!! Conserve, conserve, conserve, preparation and prevention is the name of the game. Those little things will help to keep the worry at bay a bit...do all that is within my power and of course, I would be amiss not to mention my best buddy...FAITH who picks up the slack of my will!! Preparing for the extra cost of winter, storing up, saving, and careful spending will serve to smooth the path a bit for the transition. It will be a challenge, but one I graciously accept and not only accept, but BELIEVE I can master.

As I type this morning, there are happenings that serve to help me in my endeavors...and THIS makes me smile...opportunities literally come knocking at my door and now the sun is beginning to shine and the view is a lot clearer. Thank you "powers that be" for knowing my needs and providing for me and mine!!

I must cut this short as my attention is being bid elsewhere...but to all who have stopped by this fine day...have a good one!!

Lotsa smiles from me to you!!

R

Don't Stop BILLievin'

Since THIS is the only thing I can think about right now...and this video shows some AWESOME team history...I decided to let it do the talkin' for me....

Fire in the fireplace chasin' out the damp chillies, pizza and wings on order, the BEST company...a perfect day for some BILLS FOOTBALL!!

Have a great day everyone...