Years add wisdom, difficulties build strength, love moves mountains, tears nourish growth, dreams reveal purpose, character buries superficiality...Truth IS.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

"Surprise!!"

Hi folks!!

Well, today is the 47th anniversary of my emergence into this world....wow!! I can't help but reflect. It seems when I was growing up and probably up til about the age of 40, there was something that each year brought me closer to obtaining, my permit, my license to drive, legal drinking age, advancing my education, getting married, having children, raising children, owning my own home, and the coming to fruition of those things that made another year celebratory. However, I can honestly say that beyond that point, I guess I really didn't have any goals set other than enjoying all that I had achieved, getting my kids raised and out on their own, watching their lives flourish and grow, and then merely tending to what I had worked for to that point.

This year; however, I have realized that I view my birthdays more as a memorial service than a celebration. This is not to say that I don't appreciate life nor that I don't feel blessed every day to awaken to a new day, but it is more a lamenting over past mistakes, regrets, and trying to piece together some semblance of understanding of how the past few years have ushered me into today. I have worked for and achieved all of those goals, but now I sit and think about all it has cost me, how time seems to invariably fall between the gaps in my fingers like sand, and I am stuck wondering "what shoulda/woulda/coulda been---if only....."

I've resigned myself to the notion that I never really thought of myself a whole lot year to year and placed my energies into guiding, building, shaping, what I was DOING and I do know that the only plan I had for my life after my children were grown and self-sufficient was working for nothing more than enjoying and appreciating what I already had. I wished for nothing more so I never had a "plan B" for a possibility that deviated from that master plan.

I think of how many times I have been unwittingly thrust into re-evaluation and re-calculation, and yet I sit here today as if those times are all but forgotten, feeling lost to correct and transcend the ones I struggle with now. However, none of the set-backs of the past were ever as all-encompassing as the ones I stand in today and I cannot help but wonder why.

I do believe I am somewhat fearful (which is what I speak against most times) that "drastic times call for drastic measures"..and in this, I mean, going places where all comfort and familiarity is left behind, no compass in which to begin my journey, but just pure reliance on reading the signs along the way. Maybe this point of my life wasn't MEANT to be planned by me. Maybe it is time for me to BE guided, built, and shaped into the plan that was designed FOR me. Maybe the only thing I have to do is something...anything...jump...go...and trust that my "why" will be answered as I go. It is becoming apparent that there is nothing keeping me here but me and my stubborn will to stay.




I have had to let go of so many things in my life, say goodbye, and change my direction. I guess I always hoped that with age...I could rest in the belief that just ONE decision I had made would stand up to time and be with me forever. I am fast learning that sometimes, you have to lose everything and start all over again with nothing but the will to live and that most things in this life are fleeting until you are in the exact right place at the exact right time according to something bigger than yourself. When you are hanging by that one last thread, that one last lifeline, and your life begins to depend upon anyone and/or everyone else's decisions and it becomes clear that those decisions do not fall in favor with what you HOPE would be, it is time to become a teenager all over again and remap the life that you DIDN'T live, reconsider the decisions that you DIDN'T make, and explore possibilities on the other side because THIS IS your decision and the only option left.

So on my 47th birthday, I drum up the courage to step outside of my circumstance in the same drastic manner in which I arrived here and take charge of it. I have done my job, and I am very proud of the "all-in" mentality and do-or-die attitude that not only drove me to finish what I began, but to excel beyond my own perceived capabilities. It will probably be the hardest thing I have ever done because everyone fears the unknown and uncertain...but at least there will be some sort of movement...and sometimes, movement has to come before direction because direction alone is not a guarantee of movement. So I guess what I am saying here is ...."the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

We are not even guaranteed a next minute, next hour, or a tomorrow to work our ideas and plans into tangibility. We are only guaranteed that wherever we arrive is where we are and if we refuse to go anywhere, then there is no one to blame but ourselves.

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure , the process is its own reward.”~ Amelia Earhart

“All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last.”~ Marcel Proust

“Don't you ever wonder maybe if you took a left turn instead of a right you could be someone different?”~Unknown.

"A multitude of causes unknown to former times are now acting with a combined force to blunt the discriminating powers of the mind, and unfitting it for all voluntary exertion to reduce it to a state of almost savage torpor.~William Wordsworth.

Have a good day everyone!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

What I am...




Good morning everyone...what a beautiful morning it is here!! Sunshine, warmer temps..the birds have started choosing their prospective summer homes and are joyously singing!! I have not been feeling "just right" for the past few days, and this morning, I have symptoms of an oncoming flu bug of some sort...yuck!! But I wanted to take some time to post, as I felt driven to do so.

As of late, I have stumbled across a fellow blogger's site. This gentleman is working on a novel and shares insight and knowledge of his travels through the writing process. He shares his ideas and advice on how to arrive at a polished finished product, and the conclusions he has drawn about writing in and of itself through trial, error, research, and epiphany. I find the subject matter of his blog entries of extreme interest to me, as it seems that the central points of his entries (though relating to becoming a successful author)are instructing me in a better understanding of myself as a human being and are almost prophetic and in a haunting way, answering questions for me, in sequence, that have eluded me for quite some time now.

I had just recently written an entry about the importance of consistency, but as I got further and further into it, I had noticed that consistency in and of itself, was such a difficult topic to really pin down--because at the very conceptual level of it, it can literally turn on itself and create such irony. It is interchangeable and fluctuant. I never posted that entry because I began to understand that it was but an avenue to a much bigger road, though I could not seem to nail down where this detour was leading, so I let it be, saved it into draft, and moved on.

It wasn't a couple of days later when I stumbled upon this man's outlet of creative and expansive abundance that he made that destination very clear to me. It was written in the context of consistency's unimportance in the repertoire of the author as the sole basis of success. As I read, what unfolded for me was my missing link, the merging from that avenue to my bigger road..the central idea of which consistency or the lack thereof lead...the real issue of reliability. It all began to make perfect sense. I remember thinking as I wrote on this topic how there is such a thing as being consistently inconsistent, and this is where I got lost on the point I was trying to make--and where irony flipped the script on me and landed me without a compass. "The end of something is always better than it's beginning." Consistency is really a moral predictor of reliability or unreliability--and it will always be the "outcome" or final result of such attributes which hold the key to the initial idea or intent. It is THIS issue of reliability that we each look for and relish, and it is consistency that leads us there. It is basically a catch-22 concept really--but more of a screening tool for bigger "character markers", and the nature of its fluidity is such that it always flows from idea to fruition. It is first looked to and then back at in order to formulate its reliability NOW. So thank you Ollin.

Now, I revisited his blog last night, and he addressed yet another missing link and gave clarity to something I have struggled to understand. The difference between style and substance. He outlined this dynamic within his critique of the movie Drive. He argued that although the movie was abundant in style, that it really lacked the substance to "glue" it all together...hmmm... He also stated that he believed style to be a sort-of "borrowed" asset from others to eventually lead you to the total embodiment of your own. In other words, the display of traits in others that mirror our own, that we may be looking for a way to outwardly display ourselves---so when we do find these traits displayed in a very attractive and reflective way of our own, we then adopt part of that style and integrate it into the other aspects to create our very own. Alone, it is more superficial and fluffy, but should compliment our substance in a way where it all comes together to represent a substantial ME. I've realized that in large part, that style may attract you...but substance grounds you and keeps you there. I've learned that there are some people with a whole lotta style...which continues to "attract," but you find yourself at a loss of getting that full, completely satisfied feeling...you are always looking for what is underneath it all...what is missing, the complete fulfillment of the attraction. Then there are those with a whole lotta substance, who come off rigid, closed-minded and completely immovable. The balancing act of these two is of utmost importance in how we relate to and enmesh with others. I believe; however, that substance is our very core essence and in order for that to be seen in a dynamic and interesting way, we accrue a certain body language, speaking style, sense of humor, ways of reasoning and expression meant to reflect who we are in a more universal way, rather than according to the company we are keeping at that precise moment. It is style that captures our attention and bids us to look further into what that "style" represents. Style is the shell, substance is what makes it work. Would you spend your last $30,000 on a vehicle that had no "working" parts just because the body and interior design was like no other? Probably not...I mean you could stare at it and admire it for days and probably find a huge spectrum of style design ideas that continue to impress you, but when you begin to run out of things to admire, it loses it's novelty, because after all, it has nothing else to offer you but that. It displays a vast amount of gadgetry, but they work nothing. They are unattached and basically stand alone. Soon, this design will be improved upon anyway and it's style will become archaic and uninteresting and you will move on to the next improved-upon-but-borrowed-from impression and/or representative of nothing.

We look for in others what we wish for others to see in us. If we are wanting others to admire our style, and envy our attributes, and find us exciting, we, in turn, are also looking for others to provide that to us. However, it would require us to constantly tweak our repertoire to include the most innovative ways to keep people's attention through style--OR--frequently change the scenery in order to keep the interest of "new" onlookers piqued. However, if we hold fast to our means of expression (style) as nothing more than an outward display of core substance, and if our buttons are indeed attached to something that WORKS, then you can bet that there is a healthy integration there. What I have learned is that people of real substance, after a while, become unimpressed with a constant barrage of style and attribute alone--even if it is constantly changing and improving...in fact, they begin to mistrust it, ignore it, and deplore it in favor finding the meaning it is supposed to be attached to. Where those attached to style alone become dependent upon those constantly trying to impress and attract them---they are disinterested in the working parts--because they are predictable and boring, they really don't change much, and are not easily changed by innovation. Different scenery, different story. Different circumstance, different viewpoint. (RE)invention...all the time...how exciting--but how utterly predictable, transparent, and empty...same concept, different means.

It amazes me the perspective one can find in the most unlikely places and how you seem to be led to it unwittingly at times when answers to questions elude you.

We are who we are...some by reason, some by chance, and others by destiny.

“Beyond the edge of the world there’s a space where emptiness and substance neatly overlap, where past and future form a continuous, endless loop. And, hovering about, there are signs no one has ever read, chords no one has ever heard.”~Haruki Murakami.

"The characteristics of the package determine the nature of the contents.~Haruki Murakami

“Everything here but the soul of man is a passing shadow. The only enduring substance is within. When shall we awake to the sublime greatness, the perils, the accountableness, and the glorious destinies of the immortal soul?”~ William Ellery Channing.

“Be not deceived with the first appearance of things, for show is not substance.”
English Proverb

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

It's all in the attitude

Good morning friends & Happy Valentine's day!!

I'm just gonna get started with my point for the day and leave the comments about the weather and small talk alone.

Lately, I have been reminded how critical one's attitude is in anything. I've been a bit down on myself as of late as I have felt rather disappointed and discouraged. When discouragement becomes a resounding part of one's daily life, it begins to negatively effect your spirit. You begin to feel that others view you as worthless and therefore, you begin to believe it yourself. I'm not gonna lie, this past couple of months has been a terrible, terrible time. My entire existence has become reduced to worry and it seems the only relief I get is during sleep. Yesterday, I got some news that could potentially begin to swing the pendulum in the other direction for me--it is not exactly what I had envisioned to get me completely out of my slump, but it will go far in changing my attitude, and THAT is the single-most important event to any new beginning.

I recall watching T.D. Jakes one time where he was speaking about this very dynamic. He stated that you cannot go into a "management position" with a "sales associate" attitude. Each change should bring about a new attitude that falls in line with it. It should give you new perspective, and a new lesson. And, from where I stand, it certainly has done that. I have learned to appreciate those things that I once took for granted and never thought twice about and even when I hear others speak negatively about the blessings they have that I once had (and spoke negatively about too, when I had them)it bothers me.

When I am offered a chance to add something to my life that I've lost or that has been sorely missed, I embrace that chance with open arms and an attitude of appreciation and application of the lessons I have learned during that loss. It makes me want to be better, more attentive, less judgmental, more giving...whatever it was that I perceived myself to be falling short of before. I've also learned that a chance may not always be exactly what you WANT or immediately NEED, but if it, in any small way is an improvement, then treat it as if it is your life saver. I don't know about you, but I don't think if anyone were out on the water drowning, they would be picky about what "thing" could very well be responsible for saving their life, do you? It may not be the National Guard on a boat, throwing you a life preserver and reeling you in to immediate safety, it may be an old log drifting by and it may take days to reach safety, but you DO what you have to do to survive--and I don't know about you...but I would keep that log near and dear to me if it were, in fact, responsible for my second chance and my ATTITUDE about life would definitely change. When you are faced with sink or swim...you LEARN a lot. If you don't, chances are you are emotionally/spiritually bankrupt.

My take, if you want something badly enough, your attitude will reflect that. Here's something that some don't realize: It will also reflect the reasons you want it...whether it is sacrificial or self-serving, whether it is meaningful or superficial and whether you learn from mistakes or repeat them. All of this can be read in one's attitude and actions.

I am looking at today as my potential lifesaver, and I am grabbing on to it with the attitude that my life depends upon it...and hopefully, it will lead me to safety. I am grateful for any chance I am offered in this life...are you?

"All human action has one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion and desire."~Aristotle.

"A truly great person is the one who gives you a chance."~Author unknown.

"When a man is pushed, tormented, and defeated, he has the chance to learn something."~Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"Chance favors the prepared mind."~Louis Pasteur.

"He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts."~Samuel Johnson..

"I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow."~Abraham Lincoln.

Good day to all...attitude is everything. If you think it, speak it. If you speak it, DO it. If you DO it, put everything you have into it. It will come back to you. You get back what you give.

Love ya's
Raina

P.S. A second chance means nothing unless you have learned from your first mistake.