Years add wisdom, difficulties build strength, love moves mountains, tears nourish growth, dreams reveal purpose, character buries superficiality...Truth IS.

Friday, July 12, 2013

FIRST IMPRESSIONS....eh..pish tosh

Good morning folks!

Sitting here thinking about first impressions and how we sometimes get ourselves tangled up with the wrong people because of them.

I've heard people say that "you attract what you are" and I've also heard "you tend to admire in others the things that you lack"...yet, I've come to my own conclusion on the matter after some deep thought and many occurrences of this phenomenon in my life.  After each one of these "mishaps" in judgement and usually MUCH stress caused by them, I always learn a little something about myself...but this time, I believe I've hit the mother-load of education!!

It seems that (speaking for myself, of course) I assign to people a character.  YES...they really don't earn it at all before I jump right in assigning one to them BASED UPON an impression they make on me.  This comes from an over-abundance of empathy...I am FOREVER placing myself in someone else's shoes OR placing them in mine <---and I will explain what I mean by this.

If I meet someone who is in a similar situation that I was once in myself that may have been of particular struggle for me that I have since transcended, I will say...I WAS that person...or that person reminds me so much of my younger self, or his/her situation reminds me of a situation I was once in...and BAM, I begin to relate to this person on a deeper level--even though I really KNOW absolutely nothing about them but the "superficials."  I go right to situation and circumstance...because we all have them...and it is a common thing with ALL people.  I may then say to myself...boy if only someone would have given me a chance or a break or tried to better understand my struggle, I would have given the world to know I was more supported or more cared for...etc.  SO then...it is on.  I jump right in thinking that this person is LIKE ME, wanting the same things, prioritizing things the same way, and maybe I could make a difference in their lives to save them from this or that that I went through...when I had no one to make a diffference for me...and how maybe their life could be maybe a bit different.  I then begin to want to "spare" them...so then the rescue mode kicks in.

Most times (if you have a heart at all for others), it is an unconscious compulsion to give to others what you lacked but wanted so badly...and it comes from BEING DENIED and NOT having.  I've never been much of a materialistic person, so what I give is what I believe to be most valuable....time, trust, love, and support.

So my empathy goes haywire as soon as I see someone who shares with me a "like" situation or circumstance with me or even worse, someone who has gone through something that I pray would NEVER happen to me...because I already KNOW it would destroy me...and then I admire their tenacity and ability to cope...so I want to offer my love, support, and compassion with them.

To me...this is NORMAL.  However, I've learned that not everyone who is going through a similar situation or living a similar circumstance as I have has the same attitude or desirous outcome that I did.  In fact, there are those who don't even care to change anything about them, rise above them, or get out of them.  They create them purposely for attention, special favor, and exploit and use them to their advantage and self-serving nature.  THIS is what I've missed in all of this.  NOT everyone is like me...in fact, no one is exactly like me or you or anyone else.  Some don't want support...they want someone to come in and DO IT FOR THEM.  They don't want to better their lives, they just want to make that impression to get suckers like me to offer them something to unwittingly aid to their self-serving end...it's crazy...but its true.

I ask myself...how is it...if I have learned ANYTHING AT ALL from the close encounters I've had with this type of person that I seem to end up always having one of them TOO CLOSE?  It is my nature to believe in the GOOD...to believe that everyone just needs a chance, a boost, a friend, a trusted confidant...to achieve a better, more substantial, fulfilling life...because that is all I've ever strove to achieve...it isn't about stature, finances, attention, and what I want...it is about peace, happiness, family, security, stability, and not having to WORRY.  I know what it is like to worry...about the roof over my kids' heads, where the grocery/bill money was going to come from to KEEP a roof over their heads, who I could trust to watch them in my absence, having time to make sure their environment was safe, sound, and clean, whether or not I was a good example in my day-to-day behavior, my expectations of myself, etc.  I was concerned with always making sure that how people saw me (and I mean EVERYONE) was the same person I KNEW myself to be---so there would be no question of my authenticity...and that was important also to mirror to my children. I AM RESPONSIBLE for every choice I make...and I TAKE that responsibility VERY seriously...and I guess I think EVERYONE does...but the fact of the matter is....and very sadly, there are a lot more people in this world who would rather just ride your coat-tails than recognize the wings you offer them to fly on their own...the more you give, the more they expect.

So, how does one avoid this trap....GIVE people enough time to SHOW you themselves WHO they are and WHAT they are about and HOW they operate BEFORE you go assigning all of the "hard luck" or "bad break" excuses FOR them and rush in to pave their rocky road smooth for them.  People have a way of playing upon your genuine attributes and assigning THEMSELVES to them as well.  "See, I'm just like you, suffering the same struggles, wanting the same things, having the same priorities, principles, and looking to transcend...just like you."  They have a way of "admiring" YOUR tenacity, your obvious ability to overcome and HAVE what it is that is so important for them to achieve.  AND so, here is the equation:

Overabundant compassion/empathy + opportunistic means to an end = DISASTER.

So, those are my thoughts today and my latest life lesson.  Don't apply your own impressions upon the impressions of others.  No one is like you.  Allow their true colors to paint themselves upon that canvas before you paint it all up pretty FOR them.

Been a sucker for hard luck cases all my life...always brought home the strays...but now, I give to those who receive...and I don't to those who TAKE.  There is a difference & I am now fully aware of it.

Good day to all...