"This Is To Be My Symphony"

Good Morning everyone!!!

Wow...I am ending a 5-day procrastination bent today as I am greeted this morning with the most beautiful sunny morning!!  Downfall of living in the Northeastern part of the states...seasonal depression!!  No matter how damn happy you seem to be going into winter, (as fall is my favorite season) you ALWAYS end up feeling somewhat detained if not completely imprisoned toward the end of it.  About this time of year though, we Nor-easterners feel obligated to help spring along a bit by doing things that probably should be done in May...lol...but we get that damn itch!!  We've been locked up inside & forced to readjust our lives to fit within a 9-10-hour block of daylight each day...it is futile!!  Nature always wins--Ha!

As you could probably assume...and maybe you don't really care all that much--if at all..I read A LOT during the winter season.  I gather information like animals gather food to get through it.  If the body is sedentary, the mind needs fuel!

I sent the forward to my book to a friend the other day, as she had posted on FB a status that got quite a bit of interest and created the thread of my dreams!!  <---well, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration.  Thought I will say, it was quite refreshing to see someone else post their thoughts about "life" and to see that she suffered the same frustration when it came to expressing them to others without it leading to some sort of issue of debate. My biggest frustration is that the spoken/written language, as advanced and versatile as it is seems to be is really SO very limited (and limit-ING) when attempting to explain things of deeper meaning.  Those pesky language-elusive truths and anomalies of character--which I now to believe are meant to be "only for display."  Words just don't come close to paying homage to anything meaningful and try and try as we might to assign them, we always fall short.

It is my belief that in this world of "hurry up and wait" and "keeping up with the Jones'" and all of these new and shining gadgets of imperial technology, we have completely lost the most important part of our communication skills.....READING them.  It isn't about the description...it is about the display.  Technology has made "language" the foundation of all that is.  Every computer has a "language"...and every one of these devices has a "code" and more often than not...they require the use of  letters, words, & numbers to effectively use them.  Where does this leave the "unspoken language?"  I'm waiting for the first wedding to use cell-phone texting as a manner to recite vows to one another...go ahead and laugh...but it IS coming to this.

As I STRUGGLE to explain who I am, why I am the way I am, and why it is SO important to be to stay true to this essence I know so well....I stumble upon this excerpted writing.....though even in its strikingly true to ME "description", there is still a broader enigmatic force inside of me that begs to be recognized.  However, when I read this....I recognized right away a subtle bridged gap between the written word and how I know myself to view things and how my life is patterned around this view...it isn't complete by any means, but it at least gives me hope that one day, I will too be able to at least get closer to easing my frustration.  Please read on:

To live content with small means;
to seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
to be worthy, not respectable...and wealthy, not rich;
to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly;
to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages with open heart;
to bear all cheerfully,
do all bravely,
await occasions,
hurry never;
in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden, and unconscious
grow up through the common.
This is to be my symphony~ William Ellery/Henry Channing.

I can read this and find this expression in any number of my posts on here, in the book I am writing, my thoughts, my actions, and the words I speak.  At the end...."In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden, and unconscious grow up through the common"  THIS is what we need...this is what we have lost...this is why there is so much misunderstanding.  Common is just common...and EVERYONE is falling all over themselves to achieve it...very few seek to be above or set themselves apart from commonality, therefore, it is barely, if at all recognized in themselves or others.

At times, I feel encased by perpetual winter...being closed in and limited, only having a few precious hours of daylight....though most of those gloomy, cold, and wet--having to take extra care to travel safely, cover up adequately to protect myself from the elements and limiting myself to the outside to avoid the discomforting chill.  However...I also realize that there is nothing out there that can compare to that which I've come to know and live by.  I wouldn't change a thing about myself, even if it meant never again being lonely, bored, or having to struggle.  I prize that display of  language which I've enabled myself learn within myself and read in others.  I believe that my education in this life has been a treasure and there is something deep down inside that reminds me often of this--despite circumstance.

I think this is why the sunshine, sounds of nature, signs of life, palette of various colors, and warmer temperatures lift my spirit so much.  The outside becomes cohesive with the inside.  The bond I've forged with nature is the ultimate bond.  It moves beyond attachment, has no need for words in exchange, and is complete in itself.  It is the epitome of refinement, elegance, and meaning.

Much love to all!!

Heralding the arrival of spring!!

Development of the Ultimate Peace Treaty

Good morning everyone.

Well, we are in the first week of March and everyone around our area is more than ready for spring.  It has been a case of textbook winter around here for sure.  Last year, I remember strolling out onto my porch throughout the winter season, enjoying 50-60 degree days, taking snapshots of the flowers that continued to bloom in my garden..no such luck this year!!  I think we have more than made up for the low water table that last year's winter created this year, and as I look out my window...it's still coming down!!  I've found it best to just accept every day for what it offers you and make the best of it.  Yeah...I daydream of waking to birds singing, curtains billowing with a soft, fragrant breeze, the warmth of the sun on my skin as I begin preparing my flower beds and pots for planting and cleaning up the yard for mowing season...the smell of fresh-cut grass, and the ground-rumbling scraping sound of the snowplows tearing through the neighborhood to be replaced with the buzzing of weed-trimmers and lawn equipment just like everyone else, but I no longer spend the valuable time I have each day searching for that greener grass...instead, I go about my days knowing that it is what it is and spring WILL come...it always does.

Anything worth having is worth working for and through:
A.  I purchased a wood stove insert for my fireplace to turn an inefficient source of heat into an efficient one.  On  one hand...it is one of the best investments I've made, BUT it isn't without a lot of hard, heavy work, mess, and going out into freezing temperatures several times a day to bring the heat indoors.  However, this first burning season, my wood was completely free and I saved 1/2 of what I would have spent on propane to get through the winter--excellent way to kick off the first season using it..however, from here on out...it will have to be purchased...though STILL at a savings of what I would spend to heat the entire house with propane.  So, nothing is entirely free...you see, though I have already paid for this unit with the money saved in heating costs the first year using it!!  Was I sure of any of this when I made the decision to dole out the remainder of any savings I had to my name last fall?  No.  Purely a leap of faith....that manifested to answered prayer & a satisfied hope.

B.  This time last year, I was in fear of losing my home.  As I looked to the future, desperately searching for employment for 3 months, I saw no positive outcome--though one did arrive, no matter how much I tried to convince myself..it wasn't gonna happen and I sit here in the sanctity and solace of what I term "my sacred space" typing away in my blog, more than a year later with quite a different attitude.  I now can look back and say "it has NOT been easy...BUT, I've managed to care for, pay for, and maintain this place on my own for the past 2 years.  Many dollars, countless hours, much labor-intensive time...but she still stands...stronger than ever with one set of hands, one mind, and a heart completely enamored by her beauty and value.  It is a relationship I have going with this place...it isn't about real-estate value, or the love of the material...it is a series of give and take.  To me, everything I put into my home, she gives back.  For all of the active time spent cleaning, raking, mowing, and puttering around, and money spent, there is the quiet time spent smiling in my heart as I look at how she shines when she is pampered up a bit.  The saying "you get what you give" applies to inanimate objects as well...it is all about perspective.  When you throw ALL of yourself into something....anything...it becomes an inseparable part of you--yet another mirror...another manner for which to present yourself and for others to truly know you.  Having a "nice house" is not my thing..having a warm and welcoming home is.

C.  My tenants of 4 years in my attached 2-bedroom rental unit moved out last month.  My immediate response to the news that they were leaving---PANIC...and I'm talking like a switch--it was that fast.  My mind immediately went to how long it took each time it became vacant to get it occupied once again...at least a couple of months...it was winter...I am only working part-time and am dependent upon that income (even though half of it goes right back into the place during the winter months)...but still.  I wasted no time advertising it..on every venue I could possibly think of..other than the area newspaper--you get too many weed-outs that way, and I didn't have the time for that!!  The response was tremendous...my panic dissolved.  A young girl that I work with had been looking for a place...and I had mentioned a two-unit, completely remodeled inside and out place down the street from me...both beautiful places...a couple of months earlier.  She had gone to look at them and decided that she didn't want to drive all that way as her little boy was enrolled in school in the adjoining town where she also worked.  When my place came available, I didn't even think about mentioning it to her...because after all, it is even further away from town than the places she looked at... albeit, only a few houses--but that was her reason...so I figured she was out of the question.  She saw my advertisement and contacted me...came up and looked at it (while my tenants were still there) and immediately snapped it up.  Crisis #1 averted.  Onto crisis 2, 3, 4...etc... The tenants left the place a deplorable mess and the odor was just unbearable.  They left one of the doors wide open to the winter cold and used 10% of the propane that I PROVIDE in less than 8 hours (which is usually a weeks-worth).  She and I spent every free minute we had...along with my daughter over there cleaning, painting, repairing...and more than two weeks later...it is STILL a work in progress.  The damages were beyond normal wear and tear and I kept their security deposit...which doesn't even cover the cost of the repairs that need to be made, the time we spent intensely cleaning...to get it ready for even occupiable readiness.  There was the discovery when the priors turned off the electric that  #1.  They had run up quite a hefty bill with the electric company that made it a major pain in the ass for my new tenant to get it turned on in her name, as she had to send all kinds of proof that she wasn't turning it back on for THEM and #2.  That the boiler system and lights in the basement were wired into the rental's breaker box...oh joy!!  Another expense!!  Then...there was a water leak--and not a little one-- from the spigots of the washer hook-up AND the main shut offs to those were so corroded, they wouldn't turn either way...so both shut-offs had to be replaced as well as the spigots with new ones with a shut off there.  Then, as my tenant spent her first night there...she turned the light on in the bedroom and heard a loud "pop"...and she had no electricity in the bedroom or bathroom...the culprit...a completely damaged and broken outlet that just fell out when the cover was screwed off of it...and another headache.

Bear with me...I have a very good reason for rambling on about my recent trials and tribulations people---and here it is:  THROUGHOUT this entire time, I have depleted my money to the point of not having enough to make my March house payment...let alone the other half of my bills...I've doled out money as if I have an endless reservoir, AND have plans to spend more of this nonexistent resource...as if I do.  I have never felt so at peace and so unruffled by negative circumstance in my life.  The last time I felt the least bit stressed was when I got the news that my tenants were moving out--and that only lasted for about 10 minutes..no lie.  The enormous response of interest quickly laid that to rest...but it was my new tenant, who ended up contacting ME when I wasn't even going to consider telling her that was really instrumental in completely changing (for good) my perspective on those bothersome little circumstances that would like to completely negate my best intentions and positive outlook.  It was at that very point that I relied on what makes me who I am...my manner of reflective thinking.  This caused me to say to myself:  "I don't know why I EVER stress or panic about anything...because throughout my ENTIRE LIFE...any fear I ever had was short-lived and replaced by an even better scenario than I could imagine anyways."  It made me really think and therefore solidify in my everyday life that this thing called "worry" was a step in any process that could be TOTALLY eliminated, because it was a waste of time and energy.  It took all of one day to retrain my mind...and I really had nothing to do with it as far as an active process went.  It just happened...

Throughout all of the mountains that appeared out of nowhere...resources spent that I didn't have...I have NEVER in my life felt so much at peace and so very contented.  I don't think I could be any happier, more self-assured, or more hopeful for what each day brings, until of course, today turns into tomorrow.

I have finally found my peace...my truest, most pure peace...and I've realized that it was built upon the strongest of faith, my propensity to dig to the lesson each trial has been put in place to teach me, and to accept the growth and wisdom it offered so that I could come to that day where I finally "recognized" the pattern it drew for me.  At 48...some may say I was a stubborn student...and I even laugh at myself for that reason, but for everything under Heaven, there is a time.  I have no regret...I have nothing of myself to forgive, and I just sit back and enjoy the universe's sense of ironic humor (it is ALWAYS ironic) and wake each day feeling grateful that I have another day to squeeze the most life out of.

What matters to you?  Look at the thing that takes the most from you...consumes most of your drive...sometimes to the point of exasperation...but always gives you a return.  You'll have your answer.  Your energy and the attitude that encompasses it and the intention that gives birth to it is most instrumental in the manifestation of outcome.  I no longer best-case/worst-case anything,  as I've FINALLY learned, it takes care of itself.  What I DO focus on is my attitude..if I live like I already have it...in other words..my intention is TO have it...my actions are in line with getting it, maintaining it, counting on it...then it already IS at its conception--circumstance is OUTER, weaker, and more inconsistent.  Will is inner, stronger, and unyielding to circumstance.  Whatever will be...will be and I don't know 'bout ya'll...but I would rather set myself up for success.  In this life...money and time are of no consequence to success...intention and attitude are where its at!  Money will come and go and time will pass anyway...

"Therefore, I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask..believe you have received them and they will be granted you." Mark 11:24

"The preparations of the heart in man (intention) and the answer (outcome) of the tongue is from the Lord.    All the ways of a man are clean in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit (the intent/the truth).  Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.  <---this one right here is a complete explanation of all that I have written.  Let go of worry and look back at all of the times you worried needlessly in the past to end up at an outcome that was favorable...and your thoughts from that point will be directed AWAY from worry...seemingly all by themselves.  Let the universe take care of the circumstance...you hold steadfast to the initial intention...if it be pure and conceived in a spirit of contribution..blessings will abound.

I wish for everyone a great day and an appreciation for every minute of it.

Because I Can..

Hi everyone!!

It has been quite the cold snap for our region the last few days...but at least the sun is shining, so it keeps the spirits up while your hunkered down in to avoid frostbite!!

I wanted to jump on here for a little bit today because last night at work, I had a conversation with a young man during a smoke break that really brought to light a sort of self-defeating attitude or excuse to not try, not execute your best YOU.  It really got me thinking about how prevalent this attitude is in our society.

Are we that HINGED to outer validation that we would place ourselves in a position of expecting the very least of ourselves as okay?  And WHY would we take the "initiative of others" into ANY account whatsoever as a measure of our own?  I just don't GET that.  What he said to me was something  I have heard this SO MANY TIMES from SO MANY PEOPLE before and it is SUCH a common complaint...but for some reason, THIS TIME, it spurred me into "wisdom mode"

His statement:  "Yeah, I don't even care anymore.  Why should I bust my ass when I see everyone else slacking...we get paid the same---you remember when I first started here how I used to MOVE and work my ass off...but I notice everyone else just standing around, so why should I pull their weight?"

My response:  Because YOU were hired to do a job.  Because YOU are more concerned with the preservation of YOUR dignity than someone else is of theirs?  Because what everyone else does or doesn't do has nothing to do with YOUR work ethic?  Or maybe because you EXPECT MORE OF YOURSELF than the half-assed job you perceive everyone else to be doing.  Or perhaps, your character is yours to build, uphold, and prize.

Why do so many use other people's shortcomings to justify their own...because there is power in numbers and it gives YOU a better excuse?  When I started there, my mindset was totally opposite of this.  I observed others...only as a compass to learn the pace and build a system of my own that would help me to become MORE efficient.  I have no desire to compare myself to anyone else OR compete with them.  I go into my job with a "I'm gonna kill this shift" attitude....and it is NOT to gain any kind of recognition, but simply so I can sleep at night.  lol.

WHY would anyone LIMIT their capabilities just to fit into a norm?  I don't want to fit in...especially if it means DUMBING myself down.  I would rather stand out...however, that isn't even my reason.

I believe that everyone is destined for greatness...however, I think we need to step out of our own way sometimes in order to achieve it.  Speaking for myself, I get frustrated when I feel I am in a position where I CANNOT execute all that I am capable of.  It has nothing to do with recognition or accolades from onlookers.  It has to do with some code that seems to be hard-wired into me, I guess.

Someday, just LISTEN.  Its no wonder the ratio of success is in such disproportion to the innumerable possibilities.  The "MAN' ain't holding us down...we're holding ourselves down with all of this "I'm not doing any more than anyone else is doing...why should I?  How about because YOU CAN.  I'm beginning to see this "because I can" thing more as a defeatist proposition to get OUT of doing....than the push for success it should be used for.

To be honest, I think my response hit a chord with this young man.  He stood speechless for a moment (most-likely because he was stunned that he wasn't going to lead me into this mentality along with him and agree)..but then...his face brightened up a bit and he said "ya know what, you're right...I guess I never really looked at it that way before."

Although it made me happy that I could lend this young man a more positive perspective, it also made me sad that "he never thought about it that way before."  We really need to instill in our children their value.  If they value themselves, they view everything they do, say, and the way they behave as an outer display OF that value and when it is strong, it doesn't waver in the midst of conflicting influence.  The most important thing you can do in this life is be and stay true to yourself--DESPITE what everyone around you is doing.

End of story.

Good day!!

"God Shed His Grace On Thee....."

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.  January 15, 1929 -- April 4, 1968

HIS dream was weaved by the thread of God and the hearts of all humanity to create a garment of tolerance, acceptance, love, and teamwork. His goal...to replace dogmatic control with an altruistic freedom. He was not here for himself...but for all. His life....eerily similar...if not identical to that of a warrior for truth...a savior. This man EXEMPLIFIED his message without any fear of what men could do to him. To Martin Luther King Jr: Your heart's longing stands boldly resurrected in the hearts of many. Speaking for myself, I cannot even begin to express the gratitude, immense respect, and admiration I have for you. It remains one of those deeply-held passions that language (with its limited capabilities) cannot even begin to touch. Not just today...but everyday, I carry with me a sadness of a brilliant life cut short by the very thing you stood against and the knowledge that I will never have the chance to look you in the eye and shake your hand. God Bless and Keep you.

Above is my memorial to a man, who in my opinion was a 20th century Immanuel (Emmanuel). His walk on this earth was brisk, his punishment for his belief...harsh, his message... unacceptable to many, his life...taken...his legacy... alive and well.


This day not only brings about reflection upon a man and his mission on this earth, but the message. As I sit here in 2013 as a white, female, youngest daughter of a middle-class family, single mother-of-3, lower middle-class working American...I think about what that really means anymore. When I think of the injustice that "we the people" have and continue to suffer in order to "form a more perfect union"...I cannot help to be a bit ashamed of all of this labeling. It seems like a constant struggle to attain what should be the very basic needs of healthy people.



I abhor labeling of any sort. We are ALL put here for a purpose, and deep down, we all know (or realize at some point) what that purpose is. What holds us back? Could it be the mentality of separatism that division creates and the fear of what lies across those lines drawn by MEN that TELL you where your place is? There are lines EVERYWHERE. They claim these lines, categories, and labels assist in keeping some semblance of control--but how much is enough and how much is just tyrannical?

I am stepping out right now and claiming MY LIFE. No country, no person, no genetic lineage, no living or nonliving entity of any sort commands who my friends or foes are, who my family is and isn't AND if it stretches beyond the BOUNDARY drawn up to SEPARATE planet from planet, continent from continent, country from country..and so on...then so be it. I have no RACE category beneath HUMAN. I have no allegiance category beneath the UNIVERSE, and I have no loyalty category beneath EVERY LIVING THING...and I am no menace to society, I am no criminal, I am not a threat to ANYONE. Any power outside of me has no NEED to "control" me...my conscience does that--and right now, my conscience will not allow the shame of lending itself to these invisible, man-made lines. I am grateful to be ALIVE..not white, of German, Polish, and Native American descent, female, American. "God shed His grace on thee...and crown thy good...with BROTHERHOOD...from sea to shining sea." Love those words.....but the value of their message to me, I view to be personal on a universal level...not a "within the boundary" level. To even think that America is the only country which receives the grace of God is pretty telling of a "limited  mentality"
of entitlement.

If I operate on the premise of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"--there is no need to sequester me into the folds of divisiveness. If I am INCAPABLE of deliberately harming anyone or anything and I respect the belief, opinion, lifestyle, tradition, and choices of others with no attempt to control that...but the willingness to accept and understand, the result is peace.

I refuse to limit my rights or be defined by anything beneath these values. You get back what you give. I am no more a representative of a "region" than that "region" is representative of me. We, as the ultimate creation that we are, need to take a long step back here and really take a good look at our OWN discomforts with the society in which we live...the starvation, the lack of employment, the STEALING of monies "the people" have invested in throughout their entire lives of contribution to an economy for "safe-keeping" until they are no longer ABLE to work...and then having it termed "ENTITLEMENT BENEFITS" Look at all the INNOCENT lives lost during and from the fallout of war, abuse of power, greed over natural resources....ALL DUE TO BOUNDARY. If it is okay for certain people to CROSS THE BOUNDARY that is outlined for "the people" to do harm, I see no reason why those same boundaries cannot be crossed to live in harmony and create peace. We, (as a society) are BULLIES, POWER MONGERS, MONEY HUNGRY, and NARCISSISTIC and we are getting back (as a society) what we give (as a society). So the next time you feel the need to BITCH about government policy...remember, YOU are a representative of all you abhor about it..as much as you are BEING represented BY it. Just take yourself out of the game...stop consuming, stop giving them your power. You can't control anyone or anything else but yourself.


I didn't even vote this year. I don't think I ever will again. Let them do whatever they want...as I am IN this world..not OF of it. To me, it is an endless game of cat-n-mouse. Like it or not, we have to live by the rules laid out by the governing bodies...so what does it matter who sits in congress, the house, or in the presidency? They can control all of the superficials with laws and rules and money...but my conscience and my passion ultimately control my behavior, my belief, and my LIFE. It's that simple.


In closing...I believe 2013 to be a year of self-realization and the realization of the potential for greatness. I believe it to be a year unlike any other in the degree of people's ability to read between the lines, seeing what it truly means to be alive and well, and stopping the resistance. The more you push, the more the opposition pushes back...law of nature. It would do the spirit of each person a great service to see themselves first AS the bigger picture...instead of wasting their attempts to finagle a place within it. We are shadow boxing the air. Once this attitude spreads and gains momentum (which I believe it to already be)...we can live as it was intended.

God Bless ALL of my brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, teachers and healers, believers and doers, wherever you are on this earth or even light-years away...we share one heart, one soul, and are one family tied together in the spirit of love. I distance myself from all acts of hatred, indifference, intolerance, greed, pride, prejudice, the love of power and control, and the boundaries of which they originate.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr...a day of remembrance is NOT enough. Lives LIVED in the legacy of love and the courage to overstep those "boundaries" is a true testament to the ultimate sacrifice you made. I love you man, rest in peace.

To add a bit of humor and lighten the mood a bit...my rendition of an old tune..."Lines, lines everywhere a line...blocking up the scenery, breaking my mind...do this, don't do that...can't you see the line."


Good day :)

For The Sake of Posterity

Hello everyone!!

Thought I'd jump on here for a bit this morning and unleash some energy.

"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth"~Exodus 20-4. 

I woke up this morning with thoughts of the major difference between the "image" of something and the genuine article.  Image is virtually meaningless to me unless it is the un-toyed-with RESULT of authenticity.  Take looking into a mirror for instance...we pretty much already KNOW what we are going to see before we stand in front of one, right?  Does the mirror image tell you all you need to know about who you are?  No.  It only reflects back HOW YOU LOOK and we use it to polish that look.  Image, reputation, and persona are the result of mirroring.  When one invests in these things, the power of their lives is then transferred to others to create for them.  In other words, to invest in image is to hand control over your entire being and life to those whom you believe to have a higher opinion of you than you do of yourself.

It would be like thinking you do not exist at all unless you are able to physically see yourself all the time.  There I am, I am alive.  Fragmented-thinking and feeling individuals are most likely to invest their entire beings into an image or as the case may be, many images.  They view their varied "interests" as all that they are, and then they search for mirrors, but not just any mirror...they want the BEST representation of that interest that they can find so that an association can be built with that image.  The concept of WHOLE WITHIN is lost on people focused on image.  They please in order to be pleased, they give in order to be given to, they weave themselves into the carefully-chosen company that they keep.  No price is too high as long as they are projecting that polished image.

Speaking from a place of authenticity, I can tell you that I really don't place much value on what others think of me, what they say about me, or how they view me if it is in contrast to what I know of myself.   I know that all the decisions I make are an extension of myself.  I am honest, I am trustworthy, I am hard-working, I am responsible, I am compassionate, I am passionate, and I put all of myself into all that I do.  So really, any judgement of me outside of what I KNOW TO BE TRUE OF ME means NOTHING TO ME.  I very rarely ever  think...."wow, I wonder what he/she thinks of me"...because I don't worry myself with the opinions of others ABOUT me.  I care about what I think of myself, how I feel about myself.   I make mistakes, just like everyone else, but I have the sense to know that I am human and without trial and error, there would be no growth or knowledge gained.  I judge myself, I have a conscience.  Someone else's judgement PALES in comparison to mine of myself and I don't wait for someone else to "notice" my mistake before I take note, come clean, and make changes to avoid that same mistake again.  I am in this life to LEARN and if I never see beneath the exterior of ANYTHING, I rob myself of a full life.  My challenge is not to LOOK AS IF but to BE AS I AM.  When you live like this, you are not creating an image, but freely allowing others to judge for themselves AND what other people think about you is none of your business UNLESS you're in the image-creating business--then it means EVERYTHING.

I think growing out of image is a sign of maturity.  Owning who you are apart from all others is a sign of integrity.  Knowing the difference between the image and the authentic is a sign of wisdom and acting according to values, truth, and conscience is the true measure of a man's character.  An image is nothing more than a representation, a smoke screen, a cover.  It is a mask designed to fit in, gain acceptance, wield control, and acquire attention and praise.  Those who spend their lives building this image believe that they are controlling others, but truth be told, they are the controlled.

I don't know about ya'll, but I don't need any "reputation" to precede me...I'm all about the grand entrance.  Images are backwards...think about that.  Something that is not authentic falls apart faster, doesn't stand up to time very well, isn't as clear or as precise, and is inevitably branded fake by a trained eye.  There are so many obstacles in this life as it is....why would anyone purposely negate themselves in this way--make this short time we have here about what they think other people want them to be, what they think is attractive to others, or what they think impresses others?

**NOTE:  When I wake up with thoughts like this already spinning in my head, I KNOW that there is a message contained within them.  This has been happening long enough now that I know there is a reason.  I posted up to this paragraph yesterday and for some reason, I just did not have the point-drive to end on, so I worked on this a couple different times yesterday, did some editing, and saved to draft.  All day long, the song that accompanies this post was banging around in my head as well...haven't heard it in ages, forgot the lyrics, so I decided to You Tube it and give it a listen, and much to my astonishment, it FIT.  Also of note, the Lance Armstrong interview with Oprah aired last night and I was compelled to watch.  THIS is a CLASSIC case of image over authenticity, how deluded one becomes about WHO they really are when their focus is set upon building, maintaining, and polishing an image.  Sorely, for Mr. Armstrong, all 7 of his Tour De France titles have been revoked, all of his professional endorsements have pulled out, and even the foundation for which his "legacy" of his battle with cancer and his cycling accomplishments before and after ----Livestrong has asked him to step down.  His family is devastated as he drags them through HIS Karmic crash of "too late, nothing to show, and I cannot ever be trusted."  I quote him:  "my fate was sealed."  And indeed it was Lance.  His disposition, body language, and even the words he spoke made me think that this guy STILL doesn't acknowledge the MAGNITUDE of damage he has done to himself and his life.  As accepting a person that I am, I couldn't help but think that this admission of deceit, criminal behavior, and bullying of his teammates, lying to his family and anyone who supported him during his "time to shine" came just a TAD too late.  Maybe if he would have gotten a stroke of conscience the FIRST time he was investigated and accused, ya know, BEFORE he went and hired high-powered attorneys to sue the people FOR the allegations, and didn't act like such a cocky, arrogant hot-shot while he DEFENDED his behavior (which were blatant lies)...I would have at least appreciated his honesty.  But as it is....I believe that he KNEW that it wasn't going away, where one investigation folded, another agency picked up, and now, he had no other CHOICE but to come clean.  Much of what he said POINTED to that being the case.  Now, no one really KNOWS who Lance Armstrong is, because he spent his life creating this "larger than life" image of himself...He doesn't even have a clue who he is anymore.  He's lost himself in the Dynasty of Image.

So kids, I guess the moral of this story is this:  Worshiping an IMAGE will take your life.  This man is going to live the rest of his life in "what if" or "I wish I could go back"....because everything he worked so hard to build upon his image and  his life's passion, he has LOST-- and that really isn't the worst of it.  Now, he will begin to see the fallout of his choices and learn that once trust is broken and the truth twisted and assumed as your own without consideration of the damage it will do or is doing to yourself and others, you may as well pack it in.  I believe that the diagnosis of testicular cancer was a "chance" for him to see things differently....but instead, he even used that to further leverage himself to what he believed to be "untouchable" status.  I'm ashamed FOR him.

I really hope, for his sake that he is man enough to not just "admit" that he made self-serving, divisive choices, but that he will OWN it one day, because it is obvious, he hasn't yet reached that stage.  REMEMBER THIS:  You TRADE your full potential in for any image you instead choose to create for yourself.   Don't sell out!!   This man has officially reduced himself to being a POSTER BOY for my drive-point in a blog.  WOW!

"I think it better to do right, even if we suffer in so doing than to incur the reproach of our consciences and posterity."~Robert E. Lee.

"It is not likely that posterity will fall in love with us but not impossible that it may respect and sympathize; so a man would rather leave behind him the portrait of his SPIRIT rather than the portrait of his FACE."~Robert Louis Stevenson.

End of story!

My Life as Water...

Hello folks!!

I'm doing a little something different today.  The entry that I am pasting into my blog this morning was meant to be just a personal journal entry...but then I was cruising through You Tube one evening while doing some reading and research and clicked on a video presentation and this song was playing in the background (thank GOD the name of the song was mentioned at the bottom, or I never would have known the name of it or the artist!!)  This song is sung in a language termed "Loxian" which was specifically created for 3 songs on the album entitled "Amarantine" by Roma Ryan for the vocal artisit, Enya.  The term "Loxian" is derived from the Greek word Loxos, which is said to mean "oblique" (at a slant or slanted). In any event...the entire song is just beautiful.

With all of that being said, this song, the vibe of it...the title of it...the entirety of it...summed up so very WELL the essence of my journal entry, so here you go......

I gaze onto the stream, seated on a bridge above, feet dangling, wind softly caressing my hair and there, I see myself..not in the mirrored reflection of the water’s surface, but way beneath, beside, and in the center--in the way it moves and doesn't-- in the way it sounds and doesn't sound-- in the way that there are so many parts that make up and FORM that ONE body.  In the center, an urgency…a rushing, and this rushing makes sound and draws attention.  It knows where it is going and is going there without hesitation.  On the right side, a gently-moving circular swirl forms, going round and round taking with it fallen debris from the bowing branches of the trees above.  Softly and slowly this small pool of swirling water turns with the leaves atop joining in its melodic dance.  In the outermost part of this circle, the floating debris forms a line and gently breaks free of the circular motion and gracefully floats alongside of the faster-moving rushing water, where down the stream a bit, it will join it.  Toward the water’s edge, there is stillness, silence, and no motion.  It soaks up the warmth of the sun and seems to just wait patiently.  It has nowhere to be and is content to be still.  It knows that at some point, it too will join in, but knows that will only happen in its time.   Underneath, the water is most still but teeming with life, life dependent upon it and it dependent on the life it contains.  There, the life within is its only motion.  It brings to it warmth from the still water of the edge and from the sun-kissed surface.  There is an exchange of breath and nourishment.  This life within can go anywhere…to the surface, to the edge, within the center of the rushing waters, and within the swirling pool.  It has permission and power to seek every inch of it’s supporter.  It has the ability to take from one part and contribute to the other and so it does.

Although I am observing from above, I am also amid because just like this water…this center-most part of me is always moving forward toward my destination.  This part of me innately knows where I am going, without hesitation, with boundless energy, surging on.  On either side of my center, there is the swirling nature of thought, moving round and round, and then gathering up the debris of my experiences and circumstance, taking them with me on my journey through the circle.  Little by little my thoughts and experiences form a straight line and spill gently down the stream alongside my center and then join it in its journey home.  At the water’s edge, the stillness just IS.  It is the place of the deepest reflection.  There, everything within can be viewed clearly.   It is warmer and more and tranquil there.  It is silent and motionless and just patiently waits to be moved.  When the heavy rains come--it will, but until then, it is content to just BE.  It is my peace.  In the depths, there are other forms of life though dependent upon the waters for its life.  It is the place of contribution, the exchange of life-giving force…nourishment…and support.  This is my life-sustaining system and my universal family.  It is made up of contribution, exchange, and experience. This place of wisdom, and home of my soul.

*The center rushing waters = destiny, vision, mission, and purpose.

*The swirling waters = the gathering place of thought and experience.

*The still waters = the place of reflection, truth, peace, and patience.  This is where thought and experience meld to create knowledge and patiently waits for opportunity.

*The deep waters = the life-force of all things contained within working together to marry knowledge to wisdom and recognize opportunity when it presents itself.

*The entire body of water = Life’s journey home.

Begin to see yourself in all things....and you will experience God.

"In nature, we see where God has been.  In our fellow man, we see where He is still at work."~Robert Brault.

"What do you think of God," the teacher asked.  After a pause, the young pupil replied, "He's not a think, he's a feel."~Paul Frost.

"All are but parts of one stupendous whole.
Whose body Nature is and God the soul.
~Alexander Pope, An Essay on Man, 1734.

"People see God everyday, they just don't recognize Him."~Pearl Bailey.

Namaste :)

Welcome 2013..Out With The Old--In with the LOVE.

Good New Year Morning to ALL!!

I awakened this morning to find...I was out of coffee...OH NO!!  However, I looked at this as an opportunity to get in my car first this this morning, turn up the tunes, and cruise into town to get my favorite coffee ever...Tim Horton's!!  Starting the new year off right here!

I had my radio dial set to one of my programmed stations and noticed a theme that tied each of the 3 songs that played on my venture together.  It was LOVE.  The first song was "Love Reign O'er Me" by the Who...and I am not really a big Who fan, but this song seemed to just wash over and through me this morning.  The beginning...so EPIC...the crescendo of the symphony, the emotion in the lyrical delivery, and the urgency of the message...got to me, not gonna lie.  Then "Hold the Line" by Toto played...the message there..."love isn't always on time" and then "Everyday" by Dave Matthews Band..."pick me up love."  This radio frequency blended so well with my own vibe, I almost just wanted to keep driving to suck up some more of this positive energy---It was like a major recharge of energy...my 2012 batteries were depleted.

So...I had made up my mind yesterday morning that I was going to view the birth of this new year in a manner I've never really felt important before...I was going to celebrate it's arrival.  For most of my life (except my teenage years, of course...where BREATHING was a cause to celebrate), I never really made it a point to make the ringing in of a new year much of a priority...it was just another day...ya know...#366.  Adult convention...pfft...never realized how much it sucked and how life-draining and limiting it really was...until 2012...and if I were to be completely honest...2011 was the antagonist..and 2012 was just another baton-carrier in the relay of backwards negativity.  

With all of that being said, the up side to 2012 was the long-jump victory into today...the first day of 2013!!  2012 was a year of mind-numbing training, a test of my mind and body strength, my resilience, my tenacity, my attitude, my will against adversity, my vision of success.  Honest Injun...it was tough and there were times when I almost caved from the exhaustion, the pressure, and my trainer's unyielding PUSH beyond what I felt were my limits.  I found myself pissed off at myself because my trainer was right.  I was capable of much more, about 80% more (this number was graciously given to me by a dear friend when I stated that "I feel like I am using only about 5% of my total capability"...he assured  me that it was more like 20%..lol...thanks Tom!!).

In any event, 2012 was a year of some very deep reflection...that of which I had never imagined nor recognized the need for.  I saw a different picture of me.  I saw a different picture of the people who had come in and left my life and I recognized a pattern.  I made some very "story ending" decisions that year...drew some very wide lines to replace the thin ones that got crossed over too many times and I began to finally realize the winner in me...and the only line that matters..the FINISH line.  It was uncomfortable stretching out those tensed-up under-worked muscles, reaching beyond my self-assigned limitations, and my trainer was really beginning to grind on my last nerve...however, I realized "it" believed in me...saw potential I didn't, was already at the finish line yelling, screaming, jumping up and down, encouraging me, prodding me, standing there at the ready to WELCOME me to victory.  It stood at a line I was too far away to see to MARK it for me.  It was my spirit...bigger than me...stronger than me...smarter than me....wiser than me...convicting me, making me angry at myself....TELLING me over and over and over again the same thing and in latter part of 2012...IT FINALLY stuck.  There was a strong sense of finality to a lot of my experiences that year, a true END.  No more back-and-forth between the heart and mind...they worked their way into becoming ONE throughout 2012...never again to be torn asunder.

I crossed that finish line today.  All of the pain, all of the struggle, all of the indecisiveness, all of the hard work, preparation, training, mental anguish, emotional divide....behind me.  I am finally fully united to all that I am and from here, the view ahead looks promising.  I've achieved...and with me, I take the positives, the lessons learned, while laying the negatives to rest in 2012.  R.I.P.

Look out "life Olympians"...there's a new champion in town.  My sport is LOVE, my talent is balance, my goal is blue-ribbon/gold-medal baby!!

A HUGE thank-you to all who supported me, encouraged me, believed in me, and loved me---my true family & friends.  You are irreplaceable and I look forward to the time (however much more we are blessed with) ahead.  I love you all.

ONCE UPON A TIME........there was......

THE END.

Happy NEW Year!!