DUTY--The "Am/Can/Will" vs. The "Am not, Can't, and Won't" Mindset.

Good morning folks!!

It is SO beautiful here this morning.  I've already been outside sitting on my porch, sipping my coffee, taking in the smell of lilac, listening to the birds, and enjoying the calm before the bustle of travelers heading into work and the school buses commuting students to school commenced.  What a lovely morning!

I have had quite a lengthy absence from my blog, as the usual turning over of the garden soil, lawn maintenance, trimming, and the like have sort of commanded my attention...and you will have no complaints from me!!  I am a "am, can, and will" sort of person, so my sense of duty comes very naturally and is based mostly upon "moral obligation" moreso than any "forced" sense of duty.  I embrace the work it takes to combine who I am with the things I set out to do.  Though, the wise will say that a person is not defined by what they do, I do believe that the attitude you carry with you into tasks you willfully commit yourself to is a pretty good indicator of whether you are a "am, can, and will" or a "am not, can't, and won't" type of person...and from where your sense of duty originates.

"AM/CAN/WILL
The "am, can, and will" type does not need to be cajoled, hinted at, or demanded to do anything that needs to be done.  They already know and are willing, ready, and able to accept and take on the responsibility and will try anything at least once.  They tend to be more frugal with time, money, and always enumerate their tasks from an ingrained priority list.  They tend to be more thoughtful of the commitments they enter into, making sure that enough time, energy, ability, and finances will support their decision BEFORE they take on anything that requires personal responsibility and upkeep---as these types also take this very seriously as well.  Sometimes, the original "plan" changes, and the "am, can, and will" will have to re-prioritize  re-plan  and reconfigure his/her role within the plan, but you can bet, he/she will have the attitude of "whatever it takes" and "you do what you gotta do" because to the "am, can, and wills"--it is inconsequential what someone else does or doesn't do...their sense of duty is MORAL and is based upon a greater good, and they have to live up to their word and at least put up their best effort to make it work if they are to sleep well at night.  They are very independent types who scoff at depending upon anyone to do what they feel they are completely capable of doing themselves.  Of course, there are things that just shouldn't be "tried at home"..by novices and left to the paid service of professionals, but even in this....if it needs to be done, these types make sure it gets done.  It may entail a little juggling of finance, and time, but again...there are PRIORITIES and these types have a keen sense of what takes precedence --even when unforeseen and unplanned circumstance forces changes upon them from time to time.  To these types, it is very important that everything that surrounds them is a reflection of what is inside of them.  Whatever they do, they do to the very best of their ability.  It is not enough for these types to "just get the job done"..as they are adverse to mediocrity.  They greatly appreciate all that they have, even if it isn't the best of anything to anyone else's measure or standard.  To them, their home is their castle, their car is their chariot, their children are their heart, and everything they have ever earned is a prized souvenir of great travels.  They cannot rest if they are not improving, investing, and contributing.

AM NOT/CAN'T/WON'T
This type generally goes about life "searching" for that one thing that will make their life complete at different times.  They base their commitments upon novelty and what feels good at the time, or what looks good on paper.  Their sense of duty is based upon acceptance and being seen in a good light by onlookers.  Their sense of priority is skewed and changes like a chameleon as it is highly influenced by their surroundings and the company they keep.  Although they may "appear" to have it all together, have strong work ethic, and a sense of moral duty, it is only show to those who actually do...so they can, by association be seen in that light as well.  They usually are looking to befriend those who can do something FOR them...and always have an excuse or object of blame at the ready when they cannot produce what they have committed to.   They are highly dependent individuals who play the "damsel in distress" and "poor me" card WAY too much.  They seem to be incapable of making decisions for their lives on their own and depend upon the input of others to sway them one way or the other.  Though they are very adverse to anyone who "offers" advice to them without them FIRST seeking it, because of their controlling nature.  They generally have no respect for the property or feelings of others UNLESS it can benefit them in some way--and if you look close enough, you will see that they really have very little respect for their own things and property.  Because their happiness is based upon novelty...we all know how temporary that is...once the newness wears off...and upkeep sets in...they become detached and totally uninterested.  They look to be stimulated all of the time and actually (as much as they bitch about it) LOVE chaos and drama...and if they can be the catalyst...it is all the better.  In opposition to their counterparts, their focus is upon what they absolutely WILL NOT DO...because usually, this will get their hands a little dirty...and dirty hands does not an "attractive and acceptable to others" person make.  They will say things like "I don't know how you do it" and "I wish I was as strong as you" in an effort to "butter you up" and provoke rescue.  But what the "am not/can't and won't" just doesn't understand is that once the "am, can, and will" sees what you do and how you behave when there is no audience to impress, he/she becomes disenchanted with the display and then expects you to maybe WATCH and LEARN instead of soliciting someone to do it FOR you.  They do the very LEAST that is expected of them, and their "play-time" seems to always take precedence over obligation of any sort.  They prioritize their time, effort, and finance to all of the "feel-good" moments...and if they have any energy, money, or time left over...they may do 1/8 of what may be expected of them...just so they can say they made an effort.  What is expected OF them, they also see as an imposition from others--not something they expect of themselves.  There doesn't seem to be any "true to word or form" morality.  Because their lives are a display, they are incapable of instinctively KNOWING anything but what they are told...but just try to tell them something they don't want to hear....oh boy!

As you can probably deduce, these two types do not fit, mix, or "play nice in the sandbox."  There are those of moral obligation and duty (that stems from the need to preserve and improve upon what is earned or gifted) and those of forced obligation (that stems from selfish need to obtain something from others) 2 Corinthians 6:14 states: "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness and what communion hath light with darkness?"

When you invite anyone into your life believing that you are of the same mind and heart...and find that your goals, your aspirations, and your work to preserve what you love is being fought every step of the way, and it seems like you have to battle the will of another to preserve and/or improve what is rightfully yours, it is time to kick 'em to the curb.  I have no commonality or fellowship with this type of individual...it is an oil and water scenario.  You are either a person of your word, or you are not.  You are either morally driven, or you are not.  You either have self-discipline or you do not.  What you do when others are not watching is the best indicator of who you are inside and how you treat those who cannot do anything FOR you is another.

The difference between a cheerful giver and a rescuer (enabler) is the COST.  If every time someone "forgets" or it "slips their mind" or "never crossed their mind"...it ends up costing YOU something...ya know what you are dealing with.

FIRST TEST GRADE AFTER INTENSIVE LESSON:  A+

Time to move on to the next...because I choose to move forward, not relive over and over again...my past.

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, virtue is doing it."~David Star Jordan.

"Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking.  There are too many people that think that the only thing that's right is getting by and the only thing that's wrong is getting caught."~J.C. Watts.

"If you have integrity, nothing else matters.  If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters."~Alan Simpson.

"Everyone complains of his memory, but no one complains of his judgement."~Francois de La Rochefoucauld.

"Persons with weight of character carry, like planets, their atmospheres along with them in their orbits."~Thomas Hardy.

Good day to all...it looks like it's gonna be a beauty!!

"...Neither persons or property will be safe."

It is a somber morning here for me.  I had a hard time sleeping last night with the events of the last 4 days, since the bombing at the Boston Marathon.

Though I usually avoid the news with all of it's tantalizing tidbits of propaganda and shit-talk--I felt compelled to have it on yesterday as they were searching for the youngest of the two bombing suspects.  I got a really GOOD dose of its POINT-DRILLING tactic and when it wasn't as completely redundant as it could POSSIBLY GET, all of the outrageous inconsistencies were laughable.  To me, these reporters looked like circus clowns, and the reason why they go into reporting....THEY ARE FOLLOWERS who live to be led, scrap-feeders who dig to the bottom of the dirtiest dumpster for their survival.  I was completely disgusted at the disorganized frenzy of these experts of exploitation, drawing their own conclusions, voicing their own opinions, and the point-to-point maneuverability of them.  All of this talk about "radicalization" and how fast and easy it is to become radicalized online (as if they are now experts in psychology).  As I sat there listening to this crap, I thought we have children, adolescents, and young adults who have been BORN AND RAISED HERE who have committed similar unconscionable acts of violence HERE.  We experience terrorism everyday...on different scales of course...but nonetheless, terrorism.  What the hell does the media think THEY are peddling here--messages of PEACE???  "This country's agenda and that country's agenda," and blah, blah, blah....."this religion, that religion" blah, blah, blah.  Everyone wants to get into the heads of these perpetrators, but no one wants to admit the truth of what they see...so we just go all hell-bent on revenge and two wrongs never make a right.  How long have the wars that spawned from 9/11 been going on and how many lives have we TRADED for the lives taken (2996 plus the 19 hijackers)---the estimates are around 112,043-122,573 civilian deaths (and STILL counting after 10 years) in a malevolent plot for revenge based on the same clown-like, inconsistency, maneuverability of reason, and the blatant "leading" lies to the people "leading" us to believe there were "weapons of mass destruction."

I may stand alone in my compassion for these two boys, who are the ages of my eldest and youngest children, and their families and those close to them, but I don't care.  I am in no way suggesting that justice does not need to be served.  They made a choice to commit a premeditated, calculated, and morally reprehensible crime against other innocent human beings.  I am only stating that these two seemed to have some very great potential for success and were very well-liked by those who knew them.  The one thing that struck me throughout this whole circus presentation was the fact that the eldest of these two was a golden-glove champion boxer, but when he was to compete in world competition, he was DENIED to do so even though he EARNED the right to compete.  Why you may ask....and this is what PISSES me off...because he was FOREIGN.  Look, American Government....if you "lift your lamp beside the golden door" and this boy has gone through the legal process of becoming WELCOME here....and while he is here, he makes a POSITIVE contribution to the "culturally diverse" nation you so proudly boast yourself to be....then make good on YOUR promise.  I guess in this wonderful nation of ours, people are only allowed SO much success before a reason is found to say..."yeah...that's enough...sorry."  It's either one way or the other...I, myself have HAD IT with the "both-ways" bullshit...as governmental officials see no cuts in THEIR salary, no contributions of their earned money being made to health insurance...but the working-class American people are being denied because of YOUR CHOICES.  This glass-house, stone-throwing, lack of empathy over the struggle that your choices have caused an entire country is never under scrutiny though is it...could it possibly be the cause of others having an attitude of entitlement--just like you?  Hmmm..I guess we will never know will we. It seems that your appeal is your CHARM...the wrapping paper is so pretty...and YES, there is a LOT more opportunity and a lot more protection and a lot more of everything that appeals to the human nature within the confines of this country, but there are also the "haves" and "have-nots" and if you were to really take an interest in what provokes a law-abiding citizen who loves this country to snap...the governing body may want to set a better example in the humility you expect us to reflect.

My hypothesis may sound a bit trivial...that this 26-year-old snapped because he was denied furthering his passion here because of his ethnicity, but up until that point, he was probably head over heels in love with this country and all the opportunity that it had bestowed upon him.  And then BAM...sorry, you are not GOOD enough to advance and represent our country because of circumstances beyond your control.  You were born elsewhere.  Seriously?  And another thing that struck me was the blatant ignorance of the uncle of these two who was clearly more concerned with the SHAME these boys had brought to himself and a family name than showing any amount of love or compassion--shouting "because they are LOSERS and cannot adjust themselves."  If this is the type of "family" they come from...then, really...is it any wonder?  The family is in COMPLETE denial over this....hmmmm....wonder why?  Denial usually comes from the inability to face the truth...and they surely don't want ANY of these actions to be attributed to, blamed or reflected upon them.  I also felt as if the younger of the two was more of a "go along" but who really knows.  Those are just my feelings.

At any rate, personal responsibility is not to be downplayed and it is not my intention to take any sides here.  I am just a proponent for the "gray area."  We can woulda/shoulda/coulda all day long over what has been done, but it really gets us nowhere.  For the sake of those injured and killed in the Boston Marathon bombing, I wish for you closure in the capture and wielding of justice to the perpetrators that effected your lives so adversely.  They deserve what they get...and they get what they give.  There really are no winners here though...just really bad choices that changed lives forever.  It seems we have enough of that going around...and that reaches beyond America...it is everywhere...encased within the mind and intention of every individual.

Toying with and limiting someone's purposeful passion is never a good idea.  At the Boston Marathon, I think it was nothing more than an "eye for an eye" M.O.

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."~Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to rob and degrade them, neither persons or property will be safe."~Frederick Douglass.

Praying for PEACE.

LUMINOSA

This is the GREATEST weekend ever!!!!  A most joyful greeting to all of my blog family today.

Passion (defined):  Strong and barely controllable emotion.

Although the word "passion" appears in the dictionary with it's LIMITED definition...I believe it is a state of being...much like and in conjunction with love and truth.  The dynamic of passion is hard to pin down by words alone as its very nature is contained within the character of the individual.  I don't see it at all as an emotion, but more of a unceasing DRIVE geared toward something you LOVE and a commitment to use every ounce of capability you have within you to continually polish it,  and without fear, display it...sort of like a great piece of art...or a beautiful music composition.  Passion has an innumerable and immeasurable amount of outlets and displays and each of them...BEAUTIFUL.

There are no barrier's to the emotion someone operating out of passion exudes.  The emotion travels off of paper, through a television and/or computer screen, through the a tone and vibration of an a musical instrument, or someone's voice alone.  A song, a performance, a painting, sculpture, or a speech can bring us all to tears if we are in tune with the message...and sometimes, it seems to just hit from out of nowhere...something down inside of us that we are unaware of just squeezes a tear from our eye.  If there is passion....there will be a response to it..it fills the air.  It is the PASSION behind the work that lives on in infamy...not the work alone.  It speaks to us and leaves a mysterious impression upon our hearts.  We can even recapture and surface that emotion with a mere recollection of the event that initiated the response.   It is this "tuning in" to one another....FEELING another's passion that allows us to bond with them on such an intimate level.  We, in essence, become the impassioned.

The reward in this innate characteristic is the "drawing" ability of it.  Even though your passion may not even be the same as someone else's--passion ignites passion regardless....especially if that passion is one of someone you deeply love.  It brings out an admiration of courage, determination, and dedication...and hence, hooks us and brings us into their world, their love, the deepest part of their being and the reward of "putting it ALL OUT THERE" and being validated in it...becomes an emotionally-charged celebratory event for ALL.

This weekend....well more specifically...on April 12, 2013...my eldest daughter performed in World Champioinship level competition in a sport that has consumed her passion for 13 years.  Going into this season of WGI, she knew it was going to be her last.  The last 10 years of her participation in this sport, she has traveled every year to Worlds...and was completely satisfied--if not overjoyed at the prospect of making it to finals.  Last year, they left World competition ranked 4th.  THAT was HUGE!!!  Although the dream of that medal was always the goal....didn't matter WHICH medal...just the recognition of being in the top-3 would be significant.

I am OVERJOYED to let you all know...that this unit took the GOLD this year!!!!!!  I cannot even begin to express (though I shall try) the emotion I felt when the realization that they were definitely within the TOP 3...so when they announced the bronze medalists (and it wasn't them)...and then the silver....MY entire being broke out in total emotional chaos...screams, tears, jumping up and down....I felt FLOODED with so many strong emotions FOR her---NOT that she needed any help!!!!  Her sister (who has marched right alongside her EXCEPT for this year) and I unfortunately could not be there in person...due to finances and work commitments...but we were able to view ALL of their performances leading up to this cherished moment for all of them via live stream from the WGI Fan Network.

As my baby girl stood proudly behind the "WGI SPORT OF THE ARTS CHAMPIONS" sign, and as everyone else was looking toward the "still shot" cameras...there was my champion staring off to the left into the video camera, mouthing the words "Hi mom...and Michaela...I LOVE YOU with tear-filled eyes and joy that I felt as if I was right there with her."  I reached out and touched the computer screen and said "I love you too sweetheart!!"

This is the "emotional response" to PASSION...and it is contagious...and what I felt (and continue to feel) I want more than anything to give back to them.  I want them to be as proud of me as I am of them...because it is SUCH a gift to want for those you love EVERYTHING that they want so desperately for themselves....and the admiration you feel for someone who is willing to display their entire vulnerability for all to see in the process is so overwhelming.

So my definition of passion is this:  A mysterious driving force that won't leave you alone, keeps you pushing toward greatness despite falling short of your goal time and time again convincing you that YOU CAN DO THIS and laying opportunity before you that becomes your responsibility to recognize.  Emotional exudate and response is a biproduct of passion...not the definition in and of itself!!

Congratulations Luminosa Winterguard--WGI Independent A Class Champions!!  Thank you for all you have done for and with my daughter to make her dream come true....what a fitting tribute and send-off to her!!  I'm so proud of each and every one of you...and because this has been my baby's passion for SO long...I FEEL YA!!

Easter Message

Good Morning Family!!

Just a quick stop here this morning to share with you, a beautiful prayer composition by Max Ehrmann (most known for his poem, Desiderata), that was recited at a memorial service that I attended yesterday.  Amid the deep sentiment a service such as this emotes in and of itself throughout all who attend, this poem, read at its conclusion, so deeply resonated within me that I felt every letter of every word of every stanza--the sentiment it conveyed completely overtook me.  I couldn't help as well, to feel that if I were ever so blessed to be so very intimately connected to this gift of prose as the author of it, I could have authored it myself.  It embodies a system of checks and balances bound to my innermost beliefs and therefore, sent my spirit tearfully melting out of my chair into the floor.  The message it contains is one suited so well to the traits of a most wholesome and humble character.  On this Easter Sunday, I would like to share it with all of you who come by to read.  May the sentiment of these words be that of your life's mission statement and may God bless and keep you on your journey.

A PRAYER
By Max Ehrmann

Let me do my work each day;
And if the darkened hours of despair overcome me,
May I not forget the strength that comforted me
In the desolation of other times.
May I still remember the bright hours that found me
Walking over the silent hills of my childhood,
Or dreaming on the margin of a quiet river,
When a light glowed within me,
And I promised my early God to have courage
Amid the tempests of the changing years.
Spare me from bitterness
And from the sharp passions of unguarded moments.
May I not forget that poverty and riches are of the spirit.
Though the world know me not,
May my thoughts and actions be such
As shall keep me friendly with myself.
Lift my eyes from the earth,
And let me not forget the uses of the stars.
Forbid that I should judge others,
Lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow in the clamor of the world,
But walk calmly in my path.
Give me a few good friends who will love me for what I am;
And keep ever burning before my vagrant steps
The kindly light of hope.
And though age and infirmity overtake me,
And I come not within the sight of the castle of my dreams,
Teach me to be thankful for life,
And for the time's olden memories that are good and sweet;
And may the evening's twilight find me gentle still.

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may..."

Good Morning Family!!

I decided that I would post today...being Good (or Holy) Friday.  Because of the "height-range" of my thoughts and beliefs, I simply cannot limit myself to one set of principles/teachings/or any specific reverence quotient as it/they refer to "God"--I do; however, find it quite apropos to celebrate this year alongside my Christian family due to the fateful correlative time-frame of my very own spiritual resurrection.

As you all know, as I have made sure that you do...I have received much wise counsel and clear insight into myself and my work from a voice of the ages which has served to breathe new life into me, and therefore, my work.  This voice then went on to acquaint me with another who then sought to critique the work of the first---who served me up a heaping dish of EPIPHANY.  I'm not even gonna go into any explanation about that because you probably wouldn't believe it if you had been there to experience it yourself...but that is the way of mystery, I suppose.  Since my recent introduction to myself (as a writer) by these masters of prose, I have satirically declared myself  an honorary member of the "Dead Poets Society"--AND we will just leave THAT.... right there!

So in the spirit of resurrected spirit, I would like to share with you a piece I composed that will appear within the introduction of my (yet untitled & unfinished) book.  I feel it proper to let you know that this piece was begun as a completely separate endeavor from the book, though with my recent induction to the Dead Poets Society, I felt rather inclined to revisit its (also yet unfinished) content.  As I skimmed the text, the last few verses added themselves, and much to my surprise, I found it to be a very concise introduction AND summation of my book!!!  The melodic and poetic nature of this piece adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the entire project...from beginning to end,  Who would have known??  So.... without further adieu:

VOYAGE

As I walk across this stage of life my lines become a blur,
Between the points of now and then, the known and the obscure.

I travel on in search of all that’s real and true of love,
Between the points of if and when, of under and above.

I've found myself upon the lane of lonely and self-doubt,
Betwixt the bridge of why/why not, of with and of without.

Across this bridge, I dove into the sea of guilt and shame,
And swam across the channel of the difference and the same.

I've crawled upon the island of lonely and despair,
And wandered paths of unknown space that crossed from here to there.

I've climbed atop a mountain and gained a clearer view,
Of the intersecting trails of how to think and what to do.

I've found myself in places where my only sense was sight,
And felt the most engulfing peace in the darkness mixed with light.

I’ve walked a thinning tightrope between right and what seemed wrong,
And asked myself repeatedly, “Am I weak or am I strong?”

I’ve come upon the intersect of Promise Street and Dread,
Where the street light blinks relentlessly--“To Lead or To Be Led.”

I know that all these differences somehow hold the key,
To unlock all the sameness that resides in you and me.

And in this space of boundless grace, we each for all abide.
Lay silent in the deepest place where think and feel collide.

This place is called “Acceptance” where love does never cease
It is the sum of all above…that road to inner peace.

And once alas we do arrive, we can then reconcile--
The reasons why we so deprived ourselves in our exile.

The lines once gauging difference there, here slowly disappear.
And joy then comes to infiltrate that space closed off in fear.

So now I stand upon this stage and wisdom can now reason
There is a time for everything, and to everything its season.

Copyright © 2012 R.A. Keller.  All Rights Reserved.


Today, I hope that you will know freedom, peace, and grace;
Until next time...we meet again,
In our sacred gathering place.

Please now take a moment to visit the URL posted below--.
http://youtu.be/veYR3ZC9wMQ

...and that's a wrap!
Raina

Ode to Longinus

Good morning again.

Well....since my last post, I have been busy doing research on literary agents--reading their profiles, going over interviews, and getting a feel for what they look for in a pitch letter...or in literary speak...query letter.  Ah-ha...see ya learn things when you study!!  I've also fallen upon a treatise (or in layman's terms) dissertation written by a literary critic who has been proposed to have lived in the first to third century AD entitled "On The Sublime" by a man called Longinus (though his real name was never known).  I must say, that I am pretty sure that now is the time to be doing all of this...because as I was reading his critique of Homer, Demetrius, Aristotle <---now those are some literary GIANTS right there....and right up my alley--I saw myself in what he termed "the sublime" as an author.  I have mentioned here that I won't post (or work on my book) if I have to get all "heady" about any point I'm attempting to make.  Once I start reaching for a concept, words, or explanations, and I begin over-thinking....game over, because I know it's not coming from the right place.  I mean sure, I could probably invent most anything in my lofty mind and vivid imagination, and allow those complexities to dictate, but there is something very unnatural feeling about that..it feels forced and full of pretense.  <----A fiction writer, I am not.

As I delved further into this concept of literary sublimity (as it relates to the author), I recalled my first year in college composition, whereby I was given a step-by-step reference outline by my professor which was intended to help the students learn how to compose a technically-correct essay.  It was to be constructed something like this:
I.  Title, which should be the primary idea of the paper.
II.  Thesis statement, the purpose of the paper and the point you plan to prove.
III.  Concrete detail (facts) and commentary (your opinion) that help to prove the thesis--which usually takes up about 3-4 pointed paragraphs.
IV.  Conclusion...a reiteration of the thesis (though stated differently) to wrap it up.

Looks pretty simple, right?  I mean there's the formula....now GO!!  Ummm....me, not so much.  I FROZE.  I became completely confused.  I could NOT wrap my head around ANY of it.  I had been writing for most of my life and now, in a class where I thought I could maybe polish my talent, learn some things of benefit in furthering this passion forward...and at onset, I felt completely lost.  I remember thinking to myself  "here I thought I was a writer and now I don't think I have the foggiest idea what the hell I have been doing...because it ISN'T this!!"  I AGONIZED over this first paper I was to write, trying to use this formula to produce what was assigned.  Many private consults with my professor would then ensue relentlessly explaining to her that I just didn't have any idea what she expected of me, or how to even wrap my head around this "USING a formula to write a paper."  I clearly remember her getting more than a little irritated with my obvious and redundant ignorance and then... my inability to find the words to give reason to why I had such a problem with it.  She ended those visits by stating  "all I can say to you...is just do the best you can."  So with deadline looming-- the night before with 5 pages of STILL unconceived essay due the next day, I had no choice but to push that "formula" aside and do it the way I had become accustomed.   I conjured up an idea, put it to paper...5 pages...DONE, turned in, one stress alleviated.

The day we received our essays back in class, she explained that not all of them had been graded, so if some of us didn't get ours back, this was the reason--no biggie.  They were in a pile on her desk and we were to go through them and find ours and take it.  I came back empty-handed....though as I gazed around the classroom, it seemed that I was the ONLY one who hadn't gotten mine back...and panic set in, I began to sweat, my heart began racing, and the initial agony that I had experienced trying to understand what she expected of me before I wrote the essay seemed like nothing compared to the sheer terror I was feeling now, as I couldn't help but think..."I bombed it...it's that simple, there could be no other explanation for this."...My heart then began to sink as I suffered with the realization that what I thought I had been doing all these years was not "writing"...it was just nothing.  Worse than that...I had attached my entire being and purpose to this pen-to-paper, or fingers-to-keys...and now, I sit in this sinking feeling that I had completely disillusioned myself...and now add embarrassment, humiliation, and just wanting to run out of that classroom and never go back.  I sat there the entire class steeping in my failure, red-faced, sweaty-palmed, and mind racing.  The seat-time came and went without barely a notice from me.  I just wanted out.  I believe that I was not only the FIRST person to realize class was dismissed, but I think I actually prophesied the precise moment of its ending.  I grabbed my books, and began heading for the door with the rest of my classmates  behind me...when she raised her voice and spoke "Ms. (real name inserted here)!" I FROZE...my shoulders sank, any moisture in my mouth completely evaporated, and my knees felt suddenly unable to support the heaviness of my body.  "Ms. ________, do you have a minute?"  My eyes closed, my face turned upward toward the ceiling....the feeling of deflation surrender I felt was something I'd never felt before, nor since.  I spun around slowly as all of my classmates passed around me to leave, and said "yes ma'am, I do."  "Please come here and take a seat, I'd like to speak to you about your essay."  As I approached the chair, (I can still bring to the surface that palpable feeling of complete defeat).  She began to talk...I didn't know if I wanted to listen or if I even could at that point...here it comes...."You are one EXCELLENT writer, little girl--here is your paper.  I wanted to give it to you personally because I knew how anxious you were about understanding the technical aspects of writing an essay, and I see that you figured it out."  I wanted to just faint!!  Wait a minute, did I just hear what I thought I heard....I was ELATED and COMPLETELY DUMBFOUNDED at the same time.  I confessed..."I didn't use the outline, I threw it aside and just wrote the paper the way I would write it in order to just get it done."  She then retrieved a copy of the technical outline, set it against my essay...and much to my surprise...ALL OF THOSE TECHNICAL ELEMENTS were contained within it.  <----THIS is the epitome of "The Sublime" in which Longinus speaks in his "critique dissertation"--it is a KNOWING that cannot be taught...and it is what he deems to be a most prolific substance contained within certain writers which somehow mysteriously propels them to "write for antiquity."  Below are some excerpts from "On the Sublime" that took me back to this college comp incident.

[The first question which presents itself for solution is whether there is any art which can teach sublimity or loftiness in writing. For some hold generally that there is mere delusion in attempting to reduce such subjects to technical rules. “The Sublime,” they tell us, “is born in a man, and not to be acquired by instruction; genius is the only master who can teach it. The vigorous products of nature” (such is their view) “are weakened and in every respect debased, when robbed of their flesh and blood by frigid technicalities.” 2But I maintain that the truth can be shown to stand otherwise in this matter. Let us look at the case in this way; Nature in her loftier and more passionate moods, while detesting all appearance of restraint, is not 4wont to show herself utterly wayward and reckless; and though in all cases the vital informing principle is derived from her, yet to determine the right degree and the right moment, and to contribute the precision of practice and experience, is the peculiar province of scientific method.

Then, again (and this is the most important point of all), a writer can only learn from art when he is to abandon himself to the direction of his genius.]

There are many more points made in this dissertation that make me feel supported and understood in what I have always perceived to be "writing."  They illuminated some of the mystery for me as well as lit that fire under my butt to stop being my own worst critic, to stop worrying so much about "polish,"and to love and embrace my innate proclivity toward "lofty thought"-- and with reckless abandon, allow it to take me where it will, ignite my intellect which waits to be beckoned and trust that these two elements of my gift will not lead me down an ungrounded path but intrinsically work with one another to rather potentiate the work to it's own perfection...not my image of it.  Moreover, it is so fitting and so true to form that I would receive such wisdom from a since extinguished physical presence, but a voice everlasting through literature.  

MY REVELATION:  What this ancient literary inscription provided to me was the reason why this technical formula so confounded me when it was to "come before."  It was asking me to UNLEARN everything I already knew, but had NEVER BEEN TAUGHT and then reteach it to me backwards!!  The only time "headiness" comes into the picture for me is during revision.  During my intent to write, my first consideration is destination.  However, while engaged in the process, it seems effortless as the concept of "destination" becomes a rather loose and non-fixated component, as I (unbeknownst to myself) grant the direction freedom to unfold to eventually find me there.  "Thinking" it into existence doesn't work for me.  When I'm finished, I then take time to look over my transitions, use of language, and scan for polished streamline final product--and usually with only a few "tweaks" in arrangement and delivery, much to my surprise-- it is already in there.  What I find is that it flows, ties together, and that "knot" it creates is the end to the beginning.  So Longinus (or whatever your real name is)...From the inside, outside, top and bottom of my heart...I thank you.   I would have joyfully chucked any promise made to me by any modern-day educational institution guaranteeing my success in the world of writing literature to have been born in a time where I could  be in the same room with you, listening to you speak these words now set to paper while experiencing the presence and exuberant passion behind them.  Thank God for books and those treasures buried deep inside of them that stand the test of time!!

So on I trudge into a most epic adventure in the literary world.  The only baggage I pack for my journey is a lighter sense of dignity and belief in my voice.  I've done away with all of the heavy, hard to carry stuff, such as the mental downplay of my abilities and attitude of self-defeat.  As I believe that we, ourselves, bring about the manifestation of our most pure and contributory intentions---my book will be on shelves within the next two years.  I hope you will extend the irreplaceable gift of your readership to it, and that you will receive it back ten-thousand times. 

As Always...my best to you.

The Compelling Characteristic of Disenchantment

"Disenchantment, whether it is a minor disappointment or a major shock, is the signal that things are moving into transition in our lives."~ William Throsby Bridges.

Hello readers!!

I opened my post this morning with the above quote, as it was shared with me a few days ago (in a shorter version)...but more wordy or less...the same idea.  It got me thinking (as if EVERYTHING doesn't do that..lol).

In some of my past posts, I have briefly eluded to a book I've been working on...and how pain-staking it has been for me.  I noted that it seems that I grow beyond my words and that what was spoken yesterday, in some manner or another seem irrelevant today.  However, as one person who knows the struggle it has been for me to match content with context read it, he said "You always have to keep in mind (my given name inserted here)...that your "yesterday" could very well be someone else's today or tomorrow.  You are a very high-minded individual, yet, you have a great capacity for very grounded dialect.  This appeals to people.  Everyone,whether they recognize it or not, is striving to grow and improve.  The words you write come from a life you've lived, which automatically lends you credibility, which any successful author will tell you and any publishing house will back up is THE key.  Right off the bat, your personality, what is important to you, and why it is important to you shines through...don't be so hard on yourself...take a chance...you may be more than pleasantly surprised."

And so this life-long gentle nudging has built up to a prodding, bugging, every-day "work on the book."  "What are you doing with the book?"  "Wouldn't you feel completely crushed if this was your only chance to live your dream, and you missed it because you were too damn busy disbelieving in yourself and talking yourself out of it?"  "Remember how you LIVE your life...in a manner that when you die, you have no regrets?"  "Who cares if others don't believe in you or your abilities."  "What would happen if you did, didn't---if you failed or succeeded?"  <----ALL of THIS has become a RAGING war inside, coupled with the disenchantment I experience with the daily realities of my life.  This is NOT the life I had even remotely envisioned myself living.  I envisioned my life revolving around my purpose FOR it--not the drudgery of being a minion for anyone else's.   I am now receiving "hints" from the universe (laugh if you feel the need)---which are all too VERY familiar.  Those little "uncomfortable thingies" that tell me.."time to leave this" or "initiate that" or "take charge now, or suffer the fallout of someone else doing it FOR you...because whether  you resist OR comply...it is going to happen...you are only prolonging the inevitable."--AND "how many times must you be tested and always rebel due to weakness and lack of trust in yourself and your abilities only to suffer the consequence of learning the hard way?"  "It is much easier to fall upon a cushion than it is the concrete."  "Don't wait until you have to FIRST put the pieces back together once again before you can move forward...there is an open road in front of you...stop waiting for the crash...and just DRIVE!!!"  "Throw away this masochistic streak-once and for all--you have already proven your brute strength---NOW USE IT!!!!!"  Now tell me...how many of you have something like this going on?  No, I mean really?  Probably every one of us has this to some extent, don't we?

SO....I contacted my nephew (whom I have spoken to before about helping out a little bit with this book thing..lol).  Because I am a patient person...and it has been a work in progress for SO very long already, I noted to him that I really have no time line...as I know nothing ever happens until its time anyway.  This young man is so very bright and has worked as an editor...knows some ins and outs of the business...and is willing (God LOVE him) to coach me along somewhat, but advised that I procure a literary agent.  WOW!!  Like I said to him "that all sounds so involved and professional."  I had done some research in self-publishing..ebook in Kindle format with Amazon and threw that idea out to him...but I don't think he shared my enthusiasm...as the literary agent suggestion was his response to that query.

So now...I am on the search for this literary agent...though, I am making this all background noise for now--until he mulls over my ramblings and gives me his professional opinion of what I am actually accomplishing here versus what I am trying to accomplish--and how "far out" or "cohesive" my style is to the points I am trying to make.  I am not that haughty to believe on my own that I have a product that is worth picking up.  I will rely on the professionals to lend me critique...and go from there.

So I guess my message is....heed that voice of nuance...the one that whispers beneath the louder opinion of yourself, your limited view of yourself...and take these moments of disenchantment you experience and allow them to instruct you.  Envision what success---NOT THE ROAD TO IT...will feel like, smell like, taste like...how it will change your life, how you feel about yourself, and what you will do with these changes and what these changes will do FOR you.  Make it REAL...and then check the response your body has to this belief.  Does it feel less tense, less anxious, less bothered.  Is the dread replaced by excitement...and the doubt replaced by fearlessness?  Is there a voice that now says "If I could do THAT...then I can do just about anything?"  This is the vision I have of an  "exorcism"....where the "spirit of the Lord COMPELS you."  We all have a choice...we could allow disenchantment beat us down further...or we could utilize it to compel us to climb.

Anyone have any suggestions for some good climbin' shoes?

My best to you always.