It is quite sunny here, a bit nippy with a smidge of snow dotting the ground and untraveled surfaces here and there, but I will not complain. Our weather has reached the high 50s and low- to mid-60s for the past week and I have been able to get away with wearing just a hoodie outdoors, and save some propane, so I AM a happy camper right about now. Amazing how a picture can be seen differently from a different perspective, isn't it? I mean, I COULD find an enumerable amount of things to complain about...if I were to reach, I suppose.
I have had some pretty profound revelations as of late that have come out of some of the toughest lessons I have ever been blessed enough to learn. I say "blessed" because as an idealist...one who sees infinite possibility in lieu of the limiting nature of reality (as you must all confess...that any idea we place into action for the betterment of ourselves or our lives ultimately starts with a dream), I fully recognize how circumstance has a way of indulging blame. This is a self-defeating attitude really. There is NOTHING that can be imposed upon us that we ourselves cannot find a path out of...unless we succumb to the helplessness of playing the victim. I have also read a bit deeper into the saying "hindsight is 20/20." My take on hindsight is....if we can look back and plainly SEE things...they were always there...so this leads me to conclude that it is in our OWN DENIAL, our own selfish need to see things as we WISH them to be and hanging on to the hope that things can be different even though they prove otherwise time and time again that lends any tangibility to the after-the-fact usefulness of hindsight.
There seems to be a variety of reasons why we deny, repress, or avoid altogether what is clearly happening, but the most pronounced of these reasons appears to be that of COMFORT or avoidance of discomfort...it is amazing the character assassination one will endure from others if there are perceived and/or very concrete "needs" that take precedence over our sense of self-worth...and when every area of our life comes crashing down, how easy it is to say "how could YOU." Although there is no explanation or defense to be found for actions of others that are unconscionable...it is really the FACING OF OURSELVES and the role we played in our circumstance that makes hindsight so clear. We really KNEW all along what was going on and DID NOTHING about it...but enable it to go on as long as it did. Once hindsight reaches the 20/20 level, we then engage in the "self-bashing", right? In this...I have learned, it does NOTHING of benefit for you to kick yourself in the ass, think yourself ignorant, stupid, or naive. It does nothing of benefit for you to wallow in your lowest lows, begin to believe what your circumstances are "attempting" to tell you about you, as this only repeats the pattern that got you there to begin with...only WITHOUT the middle-man...can ya dig it?? When you succumb to victimization...you lend your power to the air, your time is wasted, your thoughts become impure and damaging..and more importantly, you begin to believe you are powerless against adversity and begin to allow what knocked you down keep you there and then when you finally get the courage to look to what it is that is holding you there...you find...your OWN hand. *shivers*
Because my relationship with THE higher power inside of me is so close and so intimate...I amazingly have found peace in my deepest despair, found reason in my confusion, and found instruction in the silence.
The next time you find yourself in what seems like an impossible situation and one thing after another comes in and upsets your natural balance of things...and just when you think things could not get any worse, and they do...and you begin to feel like a failure, like a dumbass, and say "what the hell have I ever done to deserve all of this?" Ask yourself these questions: In the situation(s) that led to your rock bottom, did you display a seemingly unyielding endurance for maltreatment? Did you extend love despite not receiving it in return? Did you put others and their needs, or the cause above your own? Did you turn the other cheek time after time even though you knew in-so-doing, you would probably just be slapped again? Did you consider all things before you decided to make any rash decisions? Did you leave no stone unturned in an effort to make something work that wasn't working because the promise you made to yourself made it worth the effort? Did you set your own personal feelings and needs aside for the greater good of others, another, or the situation? Did you display integrity, do the very best you could...and were you honest, dependable, consistent, and put your best foot forward? If your answer is yes...then, this is the message I have for you that I first had to tell myself:
You are not ignorant, stupid, or naive. You gave of yourself unconditionally and gave the part of you that was BIGGER than you. You gave much and came away empty-handed, you displayed charity, forgiveness, compassion, and patience in your cause, and you received rejection, torment, and ultimately crucifixion (metaphorically speaking, of course).
Now, does that at all sound or look familiar to anyone with an ear to hear or an eye to see? But...I'm not even leaving it there...and will add to it by saying: "Now, when (he, she, it) comes knocking, I will say to (him,her,it), 'I do not know you or where you come from, go away from me." THIS happens when you KNOW that you could not have done anything any differently or better and you have no regrets in any way of how you handled things. In the words of a very wise woman it is the "letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different." This is where your peace will be found.
The overall message I send out to you today is...if you have the capability for this type of unconditional love that surpasses your own understanding and you have freely given...it will be given back to you....pressed down, shaken up, and overflowing...dig it? To allow ANY circumstance (whether imposed upon you by another or at your own hand by a mistake you have made)to define you where you are NOW is defaming the very character you have freely shared with others by NOW withholding it from yourself. There is nothing wrong with selflessness at any level, but it can be self-defeating when knocked out of its proper balance. You have got to judge yourself from the proper perspective...not from the ego. Living a life in a very obvious and outward display of ingrained values and a "do unto others" mentality has NO SHAME...There is only shame in how YOU allow your ego's image of yourself attack your sense of self-worth and value. Don't hand your power over to the same power that initially bent you over and...well you know. :) Your image is not worth your time or effort in protecting...your CHARACTER and INTEGRITY are!
Take control of those things that you can...and leave the rest alone. Look at this place of helplessness instead as a place of communion..find the peace in it, and understand that even though you may not understand how it is that you got here...that there is a REASON for it that will become apparent if you choose to stop the mind-speak and listen to a higher voice, block out the voice of negativity, and open your heart to instruction. Also keep in mind that the message you receive or the lesson you learn will ALWAYS BE for your benefit alone...it won't reveal secrets or give answers in regard to other's role in it, but will teach you how to more effectively balance that which you give and that which you keep and hold sacred. Remember, you are God's temple, and I don't know about you, but I would rather err on the side of TOO much love, compassion, and forgiveness of another than not enough or the total lack thereof. But at the same time, we must always keep in mind that allowing our threshold for the emptying out of ourselves to become so vast--to utter depletion--is a desecration of that temple...we need to care for it and protect it and esteem it above all else, and THEN portion it out accordingly, so that nothing goes unfed.
I will confess to all today that I am in a place right now where I have NEVER been in my life, so these words I share with you today are coming from a place of pure sincerity. In the midst of circumstances that seem hopeless...I am strangely at peace and I trust in the words I share with you today to get me through. The one thing that can never be taken from me is my faith...I won't even allow myself to take it..it is there, it is immovable, and it responsible for anything and everything I am, have, or hope to achieve or become.
I hold strong to my peace and power in what I choose to see as a spiritual retreat from those things that were holding me back from my greatest potential. I am not a victim...but a victor. My will to prevail and succeed will always be larger and more permanent than any tiny, temporary circumstance because in my hour of darkness, my spirit lights a candle and shines its light upon the higher purpose of it all.
Blessings to all
Love,
Raina <3
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