Years add wisdom, difficulties build strength, love moves mountains, tears nourish growth, dreams reveal purpose, character buries superficiality...Truth IS.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Bullying



Good Morning!!




I've taken a short hiatus from my book & decided to post here a bit. It seems that there is a lot of "buzz" going on in the media and the "social media" about bullying in our area. I will not downplay any "terroristic" attitude or action...but really, bullying has been around as long as man! What makes this phenomenon so prevalent and of such concern in today's society? I believe there to be a host of catalysts...it is hard to just pin-point one central cause, and really, there is nothing that culminates to this level of concern without a few causes joining forces.





I remember being bullied as a child and adolescent...and I remember witnessing others being bullied. I actually was "bullied" by my parents...really. So this kind of "holier than thou" and "you are nothing" thing is nothing new to me. I was never really taught a whole lot of anything useful BY EXAMPLE that I didn't inherently KNOW was wrong. So I pretty much let my conscience, my feelings, and my power to reason guide me to be a conscionable human being. I knew it didn't FEEL right to be alienated, disrespected, and minimized by anyone...therefore, when I saw it being done to others...my heart would break and I NEVER participated in acts such as this toward another human being. When I would see it being done, I actually would internalize it AS IF it were being done to me. I felt the need to "step in" and diffuse all the time..which I did. As I got to be high-school aged; however, this bullying seemed to cease...and even though I was "accepted" by my peers, I was already past the point of SEEKING and/or NEEDING it from anyone--so it really didn't matter. I did not; however, condone this type of treatment of ANYONE in my presence and everyone pretty much KNEW this. As I was researching for my book, I came across a quote by Edmund Burke, who was an Irish author, philosopher, and political theorist in the late 1700s that reads: "All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing."

So, this could be one of the reasons that this type of maltreatment of our fellow man is on the increase. No one steps in and diffuses--CONSISTENTLY.

Another of the reasons comes from a quote of Albert Einstein who said: "Technological progress is like the axe in the hand of a pathological criminal." Hmmm...Iphone, Ipad, Ipod, social media, Xbox, Playstation, television, etc, etc, etc...we have children who are incessantly tuned into the "Worldwide Web" and the world of the VIRTUAL yet have next to nil social skills that would allow them to "FOR REAL" integrate into a classroom of 20. There doesn't seem to be much importance placed upon face-to-face social relationship anymore. Everyone is texting these days...where there are no social cues, no body language, no facial expression, no voice inflection....our means of social interaction has become so VIRTUAL...so plastic, so meaningless.

And finally, parenting. Is this creature on its way to extinction? I posted this on Facebook this morning as a response to the buzz about this problem of bullying:

Parenting: Having actual expectations of your child's behavior, actions, and performance, never asking your
child to do anything that you YOURSELF have not done a million times in FRONT OF THEM, nor anything that you WOULDN'T DO YOURSELF. Being a GENUINE human being before them and not just playing a role assigned to a title, showing consistent concern and support in the very important matter oftheir overall well-being, being completely honest at all times, and encouraging conversation--showing them that NO subject matter is off limits and that they will NOT be in any way judged when they share their feelings. Always allow their opinions to be heard and considered. Respect and trust are two-way streets...there is no entitlement based on age or wisdom--both are earned and both are LEARNED by example. Encourage creativity and mastery...discourage mediocrity...and BE the EMBODIMENT of all that you wish your children to learn. And finally, do not "shelter" your children from your weaknesses, your imperfection, or your indecisiveness...or else they will never see you as a human being that is just like them and they will never understand the MEANING of strength, perfection, and solid decision-making or where it comes from. Allow them to OBSERVE who you are, KNOW who you are, and UNDERSTAND WHY you are the way you are. Mohandas Gandhi~"BE the change you want to see in the world."

There are probably many other problems that I haven't addressed concerning this issue...but these three, I think...are the big ones. Everything your child will ever learn about respect, work-ethic, personal responsibility, and humanity START and are nurtured to maturity IN THE HOME. In my case, I didn't have the most stellar example of that...but I also DIDN'T have as many avenues of escape, distraction, and virtual reality (which is NOT reality at all) to keep me from figuring this out on my own. Something's got to give here and as long as everyone stands there pointing fingers at each other and thrusting the responsibility of "curing" the situation on the school system, the "other" parents, the "other" kids...and God knows what all...and refusing to see and own their responsibility in it...it will never end.

We are selling out to a society that seeks to subordinate, hold us back, make us lazy, take our money, replace our concern with "all manner of gadgetry." Why would we support such propaganda and garbage...these are our CHILDREN, our future leaders, our future parents, our FUTURE period!! They invade our homes through the media and artificial means, breeding carelessness, incompassion, and addictive/dependency of all they "offer" us...but look at the price we are really PAYING here. We have kids that want to destroy other kids and parents at each other's throats...it is a ploy to get us to destroy ourselves as they sit back and laugh at the power they have wielded over our minds, our homes, and our brothers and sisters.

THINK ABOUT THIS. This is not a small issue...it is disguised as a small issue---collectively, if left unchecked...it is volatile. There are kids who are KILLING THEMSELVES and EACH OTHER...you cannot be that blind...focus people!!

So, there you have it...my take on bullying.



Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The little steam engine...that could.

Hello Folks!!

Well, I really didn't have any preconceived subject matter to write about today...but I do have that inclination to write something...so I know there is something in there...let's see if we can coax it to come out as I type along...lol.

In keeping the idea of this blog...individuality, personal responsibility, and self-realization...I guess I can talk a little bit about how we get side-tracked once in a while by circumstance--because it is something I've been experiencing and I was really forced to sit back and mull over what the hell was going on with me in a certain area in my life--because it was NOT me and what I brought forth was not in keeping with me neither...and I just could not figure out WHY at one moment, I would smile and feel as if I was progressing...and the next, I would blow up and feel as if I was being pulled backwards and regressing.  All of this in the same area of my life.  Same scenario over and over...different results...so WHY?  It didn't take me that long to figure out once I gave myself the time to really think and be honest with myself.  The answer....I was allowing myself to succumb to peer pressure and people pleasing...instead of having faith in my KNOWN capabilities and drawing from that.  I was allowing myself to be dictated to (though in my defense, I have immense respect for the people delivering the orders as their intent is indeed honorable)...BUT..it gets to a certain point where you begin to question your value and capabilities to form an original thought on your own behalf...almost as if you begin to believe yourself to be inadequate because you believe that is how others perceive you...so you just take orders and become a robot...but in-so-doing, the situation actually becomes WORSE and not better.  Because you have respect for the people "assisting" you...because they make it all look so easy...and you eventually want to reach that plateau yourself, you begin to become "dependent" upon their input, want to emulate their process...but your performance tends to regress and look shoddy at best.  Here is the thing I realized.  I am ME.  I am capable of an original thought and I have got to think things through on my own, reason them out on my own, and then bring about the action on my own.  If I make mistakes...I learn...if I am constantly being sheltered from them, when I do make them, I have no idea how or why they were made.  It is a catch-22 sometimes when we concentrate more on fulfilling expectations of others than our own expectations of ourselves.  Speaking for myself, this is actually lowering myself to someone else's idea of what I am made of--instead of focusing on what I KNOW I am made of and fulfilling my expectations of myself and this in itself, creates great discomfort in me.  I am your very typical Type A personality, so no one outside of ME could even begin to expect more of me than I do myself--and more importantly, no one outside of me has any idea of my propensities to take on that challenge when it presents itself...I am NOT a runner.  Any time we place more value on what others think of us than what we indeed know of ourselves, we let EVERYONE down (ourselves included) in the long run.

There have been many instances in my life that I can reflect upon where those "times of progression" and times I feel the very best about my decisions and performance, etc were when I was LEFT ALONE to do it myself...utilizing my very own strategies.  If I already have experience enough to fill a requirement...and I have become pretty familiar with the system in which I am to become a part...then the only real call to me is for ME to figure out MY place in it.  It is redundant and useless to replace, change, or fix something that already works....though admittedly, some circumstances in life catch us off guard, introduce new pressures and may very well present themselves to be backwards from the way we've come to understand them and perform at our personal best in them.  And during those times, when time is of the essence, and we are uncertain of our ability to adjust, and we are now called upon to prove ourselves, it is very easy to find reasons why we CAN'T--because the fear of the unknown and even worse...FAILURE... loom over us and defeat us before we even begin.  Some give in to this...I, on the other hand...DON'T.

During these times, I use my hindsight a lot!!  I go back through the different circumstances in my life that had left me feeling this same way...lost, unsure, insecure, uncomfortable, and fearing the worst...and then I think about where I found my place in it all and grounded myself.  I also found how those circumstances ultimately ended up being "wins" for me...and it was just simply DRAWING from what I KNOW of myself and this strong inner drive to learn, understand, and rise to a personal challenge and expand upon all of them.  It is this stronger voice inside that still argues back when the weaker voice says..."what are you thinking...you can't do that!" with "shiiit....I've already MASTERED challenges more expansive, more important, and more difficult than this."  This voice PUSHES me beyond what I even think I am capable of doing myself and find myself at the same exact place I've been MANY, MANY times before in my lifetime...maybe a different area of it, a different circumstance, a different scenario...but my WILLPOWER, STRENGTH and my SWIM attitude when the alternative is to sink is really all I ever used to succeed in anything.  Someone else is not going to tow the line FOR me, swim the channel FOR me, or provide me with the strength or the best way to go about achieving it.  It all comes from within ME.  

To lend my power to any unknowns, fears, or the opinions and/or advice of others concerning anything I set out to succeed in will result in major failure.  The meaning of why I do what I do or how I do what I do is personal to me...and those reasons are where the value in anything in my life lies.  So I MUST honor them with my very BEST foot forward.  The opportunity is there, and I am not going to seize it for anyone else's reasons but my own.  My will to rise above and succeed are stronger than the fear of defeat.  This, however, is no guarantee that I will succeed...sometimes some things are just not meant to be and no matter how much they mean to me, how much effort I expend, or how much crap I take...defeat may just be inevitable, but this also, is part of the learning process.  But fighting the good fight, giving it all you have, and always doing it with a positive attitude at least takes the edge off of the sting of it...because you know that you drew from everything you had and you couldn't really have done anything more or different to change the outcome.  It is when you don't that you bury yourself in regret, and this to me, is way worse than failing at anything.

So either way...it is up to YOU...there are only two outcomes...you overcome your fears, put your best foot forward, and succeed or you overcome your fears, put your best foot forward and find that it just wasn't meant to be.  Both very valuable learning experiences...and both open new doors to further opportunity--and in neither...is there any shame.

It is an absolutely beautiful day here...I greet it with an attitude of gratitude.  Every morning I wake up to a new day, I feel blessed.  What every day holds for me is an opportunity to place a stamp of value upon it and I use every ounce of energy I have to do just that--even if its just mowing the lawn, picking the dead growth off of my flowers, watering them...going to my job and offering a smile and some kind words to someone...it all has great meaning to me.

Wherever you go...go with all of your heart.  Whatever you touch, leave behind the imprint of your soul.  Whatever you wish, align it with your entire spirit.  May God Bless you all and may each of your successes be credited to that "something bigger than you" inside.  May you all make a difference and place your mark on the universe--from whatever creative force that flows from inside of you.  We all have a job to do...and it is best achieved when we live life fearlessly.

"You are the only one on earth that can use your ability." ~Zig Zigler.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”~Theodore Roosevelt.



Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.”~Tom Krause.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.”~Mark Twain.



Much, much love and ((hugs))
Raina


Saturday, June 16, 2012

Parenting in general AND a tribute to DAD...a daughter's perspective.




Good day everyone!!

It isn't even Father's Day yet...but I've been thinking a lot about my dad (who is no longer physically present in my life anymore).  This Father's Day will mark the 14th Father's Day of his "physical" absence.  I see my dad everywhere though...and I feel his spirit around me all the time.  I see him in the daddy strolling his baby down the street, the daddy playing ball with his kids in the yard, the daddy pushing his child in the swing at the park.  I see him in the daddy bouncing his baby on his knee--hugging his child after an accomplishment the child has made, and I see him in the daddy "matter-of-factly" laying down the law to the child that wants to just dart across the street BEFORE" looking both ways."  I hear his voice in the daddy telling his child "I'm proud of you son...or princess."  The spirit of MY dad lives in every dad out there who genuinely takes the time for his children, who really desires to be there, to guide, to mentor, to set a good example.  My father is everywhere acceptance and respect for individuality lives.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED OF FATHERHOOD:

The importance of an authentically loving and nurturing male figure in a child's life is sometimes overlooked and most times highly under-rated.  Although, it seems that today absent or emotionally-detached fathers--very sadly, overpopulate the ones who stay and care.  I was fortunate, I guess...I remember my dad always really being there.  He may not have busted his ass to support me in all that I did, but as I got older, he became my most trusted confidant and began to show a real interest in WHO I was, what I was becoming,  and why I behaved the way I did...and instead of being judgmental, he just accepted.  I thank you dad for that...because your propensity to accept and your willingness to understand were indeed passed along to me...and I have passed those virtues, as well, on to your grandchildren.  Your crowning achievement of fatherhood is found in my ability to take GOOD care of myself and those that I love.  I know that you know all that your "baby girl" has been through and all that she has conquered and transcended...and I KNOW that you are VERY proud of me.  The persistence to push through, and the balancing act of strength and resilience are  traits I picked up from watching you.


THE MOST IMPORTANT THING A FATHER WILL EVER TEACH  HIS DAUGHTER


1) How a woman deserves to be treated by a man.---And this lesson begins from observing how our father treats the women in his life.

This is one of THE most important things my father instilled in me (as a female child).  The example fathers set for their little girls in this area sets the stage for how they view themselves as they grow into adulthood.  It has the power to bolster success and create a sense of self-value and self-respect...or the power to self-loathe, feel substandard, and accept maltreatment.

I am grateful to my father for always treating everyone the way he would like to be treated...and this went beyond body parts and hormones...no matter the color of skin, financial status, education level...it didn't matter...ALL RESPECT...all the time.  The lesson I learned from this was double-edged...on one hand this showed me the way I should treat ALL people (regardless)-- and on the other, it showed me how I deserved,  as well...to be treated by others (regardless).  However, the fact that  he was male and I was female, added the dimension of male/female relationship, which was not overlooked....but rather....very astutely observed.  Because we know at a young age that there are differences between boys and girls and we learn from our parents how that bridge is gapped or crossed.  Our parents teach us that that boys and girls get married and have children, so the dynamic of THIS type of relationship is what we seem to be most curious about.  How our parents communicate and treat one another is the first exposure we get to the schematics (for the lack of a better term) of the male/female relationship.  So in this instance....action is the teacher.  They say that little girls want to "marry their fathers" or find a man like him...so it is very important to send your daughter down the right path.  You are being watched constantly in your interactions with others....please be observant of this and teach your children the value of character and integrity by being a living example.  Kids are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for--and you pretty much determine whether this is a good or bad thing.


THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING:

To my dad:  I remember the last words you spoke to me the day you left...and I carry them and the sentiment from which they came each and every day and they are the very words I cling to every time I may not feel so good about myself, or when I am afraid, feel alone....or just when everything just gets to be too much.  They pull me up, dust me off, and give my ass a little pat and shove me back into the game with that winning attitude.  As I look back at our relationship and see clearly where I stand now in my life, I realize that it was my immense respect for you that came from your ever-present display of the words of instruction you spoke to me that really allowed me to learn from you.  It was never a "do as I say, not as I do" attitude--but rather..."watch and learn."  You set a solid example for me as a child that would prepare me for what I would inevitably face in my adult life.


LOVE AND CONCERN ERASE THE LINES OF GENDER ROLE PLAY:

I have had to be both the provider and protector and the nurturing supporter in my children's lives, so to me, there are no "pre-issued responsibilities" or roles to play or fulfill--after all, I am the parent of both male and female children.  It is all about LOVE.  Whether you are a mommy or a daddy...LOVE and CONCERN is the cornerstone to raising healthy, well-adjusted children to adulthood.  It is not enough to just "put in your time"...but you have to make that time meaningful in order to make a lasting impression...one that surpasses even the physical absence of the one you spent it with.



MY EXPRESSION OF GRATITUDE--Final word:

So to daddys everywhere who see their children as a precious gift, temporarily given to them to mentor and guide, to love and to cherish, to teach the art of unselfish and unconditional love, my deepest heartfelt gratitude and respect goes out to you.  The one thing about parenting that rings true is that we don't even realize how much our children end up teaching US.  They teach us how to GIVE without expectation of anything in return.  They teach us how to LOVE in a manner that only produces MORE love.  Their regard for our contribution to their lives begins to show as they grow into their own lives and begin to welcome their own children into the world.

Accept THEIR teaching and respect them (no matter how old they are), allow their opinions to matter...and above all...always, always, always have THEIR best interests in mind and in your heart...say "no" when what they want is not the best thing for them...and if they don't understand your reasoning or your explanation...leave it for them to figure out on their own (because they will).  They have their own mind, their own interests, their own path to follow.  Walk with them, stand beside them, and when they go off on their own...stand back and watch them take flight.  We all want the best for our children...and it does begin at home.

ROOTS first...then wings.  They first need a solid place to stand before they can develop the courage to fly.  Our children do and will always need your presence and example while you are physically able to give it to them--and your task is very, very important.  What you leave to your children after completing the circle of your own life is a priceless legacy of virtue that physical separation cannot touch and continues to grow through generations.  My father was the most important man in my life.  No man has ever been more trusted with my overall well-being than he...and this, he earned.  THAT is what makes a father so very special.  There is no one like you in the world!!


So from the depths of my heart...I thank all of the men out there who realize and take to heart the privilege of being called dad by that special someone.  And those of you with daughters...when it's time to let go of her and you "give her away"...send her with your heart.  She will carry it with her always.

God Bless & Happy Father's Day!


Saturday, June 2, 2012

Whispers of the past fuel the bold voices of today.

Good morning everyone!

Another gloomy day here...we had a ton of rain yesterday (which I am not complaining about...and my lawn is So happy).  This morning, same gray skies, wind, and rain sprinkles here and there.  We were so spoiled by all of the sun, warm temperatures, and the time that kind of weather opens up for outdoor maintenance and improvement--but it was beginning to become quite dry.  Nature really pays no mind to our preference, or opinion but knows the inner workings, is aware of the need, and takes care of itself regardless.  Good example to follow!

Last night, I was privileged enough to see and speak with my favorite high-school teacher.  As you may guess, he was an English teacher.  Now, I would be remiss if I were to ramble on from here about our conversation without first giving you a little of my high-school history.  I was a rebellious and obstinate pain in the ass!  I seemed to always find fault with anyone else's reasoning as to how things should be done and why they were to be done that way.  Though I had immense potential, my high-school years were most marked by my ambivalence.  I wasn't a bad kid...just one who was searching.. and one who was not in any way intimidated to travel uncharted territory to find my own reasons.  I guess that really, from as far back as I can remember, I've had a problem with the institutionalization of things AND the rules that govern them.  I set out at a very young age to find MY place in it all...without regard to popular opinion or preference of others.  I will admit that my behavior in my teen years was a bit self-sabotaging at times and very manipulative at others, but all-in-all...I have no regrets.  I learned some hard lessons...but I learned them on my own and I knew as well that any retribution I suffered was at my own hand.  I can also attest that  it was NEVER the punishment or discipline of the higher-ups, administration, law, the adults in my life, or anything in the outer circle that ever taught me anything worth knowing.  It was all about what I searched for myself and found.

Now that I got some background outlined for you, I can get to the point of my post.

Senior year English:  English courses in my senior year in high school were broken into 10-week mini-courses--which I actually liked the idea of.  We were give a list of available English mini-courses--some of which included (to the best of my recollection, lol) Drama, Science Fiction, Children's Literature, etc...there were probably about 10 different ones to choose from.  Every quarter, we took a different mini.  I had taken my first mini-course from this particular teacher and I absolutely LOVED it.  I actually looked forward to going to class (which was somewhat of a miracle, if you were to ask the vice-principal, I guess).  In any event, I took 6 mini-courses my senior year instead of the just the mandatory 4.  I actually spent 2 class periods IN SCHOOL when I didn't HAVE TO.  So see...breaking the rules when you are searching for meaning isn't always a BAD thing!!



I give the credit to this man, who will remain nameless..as I have not asked his permission to use his name in this public forum.  To be honest, I remember sometimes even catching him on his free period and going in and just talking with him...as he had an open-door policy and I sensed a genuine desire to guide and mentor in him that went beyond the traditional classroom teaching "rules of thumb."  It was not so much the course material that led me to take 2 extra classes, but more his ability to make the course material interesting, intriguing, and applicable to life in general.   He had a way of engaging this need to seek  that is so innate and telling of my character without the imposition of all the regulatory commission.  In my eyes, he was real and he was the first example I remember having of life outside of the box and people outside of human condition.  I am not really sure, and I would probably argue that he has no idea of the impact his short-lived presence in my life had--but talking with him last night brought it all to the surface for me.

Our conversation (short version):
"Hi Mr. __________!"  "You don't remember me, do you?"
"Robin?" "How ARE you?"
Now, I am going to butt in here and say...it has been 30 years and how many classrooms full of students before and after my class year????  Remembering me and MY NAME??

"You were my favorite teacher in high school"  "I was such a pain in the ass back then."
"Oh no Robin, that is not how I remember you."
Side note:  If you were to ask anyone else...well, you wouldn't even need to ask...they would probably offer up all of the notorious crap I pulled and what an over-the-top, seemingly unmanageable shit I was!!



He shared this little tidbit of valuable information:  "I went into teaching because I actually liked and got along well with kids."  Like I said...this man was real--he was not a hat-wearer, a face-painter.  He was in a profession where he actually made provision for imagination and personal creativity without boundary, well-suited to who he was--which taught me the importance of DOING something representative of who you are instead of BEING represented by what you DO.

In the end, I don't remember a THING about the material he taught...but the lasting example he set I carry with me every day.

To everyone and anyone who has the ability to "choose the foolish to shame the wise"...just know, you've helped to nurture and unleash some of the greatest potential of your time.  You can be very proud of your contribution...though I think you would be all too humble to even acknowledge any part you may have played.


I would just like to let him know that this "kid" benefited greatly from the contribution he made to her life in that classroom and I find myself now seeking his example in the hearts of others...and when it is found, I call these people my closest and dearest friends.  Thank you for seeing past my outward display of ambivalence to my potential...and thank you also for enlightening me to the great expanse of possibility.  This is what you did for me...passing your classes was just minute detail!!


What the teacher is, is more important than what he teaches.  ~Karl Menninger

A truly special teacher is very wise, and sees tomorrow in every child's eyes.  ~Author Unknown

No one who achieves success does so without acknowledging the help of others.  The wise and confident acknowledge this help with gratitude.  ~Author Unknown

The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.  ~Khalil Gibran

God Bless all the teachers who by opening the door of their classroom, invite all who enter...into their home.

Raina