Ode to Baby Chicken

It is a very somber day in my household, and there is very palpable empty space in my heart and my home. 

THE GIFT

Two summers ago, while sitting at my dining room table, I heard a faint cry outside of my window.  Every time I would get up to go to the window, it would stop.  It sounded much like a very tiny kitten, though it also could have been a bird--I was uncertain.  I went outside to investigate under the bush that is planted outside of my window...I could see nor hear anything.  I would make 3 trips outside to investigate what I was hearing before I would spot this tiny (approximately 4-week old kitten) propped up on my basement window sill underneath an addition.  In front of her, in the dirt, there were two dead adult birds in what looked like a shallow hole dug in the soft, dusty soil under there.  Her face had scabs on it, like she had been attacked by something.  She was wild and didn't want anything to do with me.  She looked to be very skinny and frail, so I attempted to coax her out with a little soft food...to no avail.  A neighbor's handy-man saw me out there investigating and asked me if he could help.  He put a glove on his hand and crawled under the addition and retrieved this little feline baby.  I kept her crated and offered her some soft food and "mother's milk" supplement and watched her eat.  Right away, I began looking for a home for this beautiful little girl.  She was mostly spotted, and I began to think that maybe she was a hybrid of some sort or mixed with one and that maybe she was a dumped runt that wouldn't be worth charging for or something.  I'd never seen a domesticated cat quite so spotted.  She also had long black hairs that grew over the tips of her ears and these stunning blue/green eyes.  I felt confident that I could find her a suitable home--but I knew that I would have to work with her to get her acclimated to human contact.   She graduated from the crate into a spare bedroom, where I would attempt to get her socialized a bit.  It took about a week before she wouldn't dart and hide when I entered the room...a couple more days before she would allow me to touch her without cowering...or running away..but soon, she warmed up quite nicely.  From there, I left the door to that room open for her to investigate the place at her leisure and pace.  I kept trying to get someone else to see what a beauty she was and offer her a loving home...and she found one..MINE. 

THE NAME GAME

Until SHE became pregnant, she was called "little mans"...and then...well, we had a dilemma..she was definitely not a he.  She was; however, a little tom-boy, was very rough, claws ALWAYS out at play, she bit, and was VERY high-strung.  She seemed to never quite relax...always in high-alert.  I don't think I ever really saw her sleep--until she was with kittens.  She began to slow down a lot as her belly began to protrude...she got wider than she was tall or long.  She was a very TINY little thing--never got really big.  So...all things considered, we had give her a name...little mans just was not gonna work.   I began to call her Dots...and then because she also had stripes, that turned into Dots-n-Dashes...and then Bits-n-Pieces...because she was so tiny...and then just Bitty.  Then it became BP/DD.  She had this tiny little "beeping" meow...so we thought BPDD was apropos.  However, my girls have this thing for calling the cats "chickens" because of the way they lay with their front arms and paws hidden underneath them...and look basically like...well...a chicken--and so then her name just became "Baby Chicken."

HOW BABIES CHANGE YOUR LIFE

We watched this roughed-up, wild cat turn into a soft, very loving and very protective mother.  She gave birth to 4 kittens, 3 boys and one girl.  She incidentally got pregnant by my male cat who at the time had not been neutered yet.  She was so nurturing-- and her demeanor became soft and relaxed.  Once the kittens had all gone to their forever homes, she became so affectionate and sweet.  All of the wild inside her had been tamed by motherhood and trust built with her caretakers.  She began to let her guard down and integrate into the family.  We LOVED her.  So sweet, so affectionate, so quiet and laid back...never a bit of trouble out of her EVER.  She didn't claw the furniture, she asked politely to go outside and to be fed, and waited patiently for both.  She was the ideal cat--not to mention...she was stunningly beautiful with those bright eyes and small tuft of white fur on her chest that melted into a caramel-color going down her legs and up her shoulders that then became defined by her spots and stripes.  She was our Baby Chicken.  You would just say her name and she would appear on your lap and begin loving you up--much like a loving and obedient dog. 

Today...I awoke to pools of blood all over the house...all of the animals were inspected and present...except Baby Chicken.  I searched everywhere for our tiniest family member...and not a peep or sighting of her.  I looked inside and outside...I feared the worst.  I feared she had hidden herself to die--much like cats do when they can't just go outside to do it.  I was panicked and very afraid...there was a LOT of blood all over the house...pools, spatter...in every room, up the staircase.  It was like a nightmare.  She finally appeared but she was very weak with a steady stream of blood coming from her nose.  She was also coughing it up.  I KNEW I would be losing her today.  I just knew it.  We took her to the vet where we were told it presented much like rat poison toxicity--though they were unclear.  What they DID know was that she was not clotting and that her blood looked much like "red Kool-Aid" and had no viscosity at all to it.  Some of the differentials that were thrown around were thrombocytopenia, feline leukemia...but as far as the blood disorder, the causative factor was unknown unless they investigated it.  What was apparent was that she was critically anemic and was very acutely ill and it was inevitable that she would expire from this unless "heroic measures" were taken...and even those were iffy in bring her back from her critical state.  She was conscious, her bright eyes still sparkling, but was very weak and appeared to be oxygen starved.   I asked to go see her one more time...my daughter and I opened the cage they had her in and petted her and spoke softly to her.  She looked intently at us for a moment and then laid on her side and stretched her body out, nuzzled my hand as I stroked her, began to close her eyes...I decided I wanted to hold her...and this is when I knew that the decision was made for me BY her.  She had no energy whatsoever, but fought with everything she had to get out of my arms and back into the cage--where she immediately laid down facing the back of the cage.  From that point, we could not even get her to look at us when whispered her name. She laid down and stared intently at the back corner of the cage as if to say "LEAVE me here...let me go..I am resigned...this is good-bye."

You see, animals have a soul and a spirit...they LOVE...they LIVE...and so they readily recognize life and love.  They have MORE of an insight and acceptance of the end of THIS life as well.  They know when it is time...and in their own way...are merciful in their departure from their loved ones.  I think she knew it was already killing us...they sense this stuff...and I think that she knew how much more difficult it would be for us if she were to be more accommodating to our attempts to comfort her (and ourselves).  I think this is why a dying cat will just about kill themselves to get out of the house and away from everyone to die alone...so that their "people" will not have to witness their departure.  I then struggled with the question of the receptionist there "do you want to stay"....I wanted SO badly to hold her and love her "home"...but I just couldn't.  I guess that makes me weak...but definitely NOT unfeeling--I was overwhelmed by feeling.  I took the cue that she wanted to make this transition alone. 

So today, I came home with one less family member.  I cannot describe the feeling.  It is like there is a space notched out of the air I breathe, the area I take up, and the place I rest that is just empty.  It really isn't the same--and I can feel it.  There is a heaviness and a restlessness in my spirit  that cannot, at this point be comforted or calmed.  I am sad...very sad.  I feel so deeply the loss of this tiny baby girl in this house.  She was so young and so sweet....and did not deserve to die this way.  I rescued her...and she gave me her trust...and there is no other bond quite so strong as mutual respect and trust....patience and love.  She was a keeper and now she is gone and I am left to mourn the loss of a life that touched mine so very deeply. 

THE THINGS A PET WILL TEACH YOU IF YOU PAY ATTENTION

You can be abandoned, mistreated, left behind, tossed away....and you can be taken in, shown great kindness and compassion, be built up and taken in. 

You can be untrusting of people and situations that differ from what you've experienced....and someone can be patient with you and earnestly gain an unbreakable trust through a sincere attempt to offer love.

You can be cold and hungry and very afraid...and someone can offer you shelter, warmth, nourishment and security.

You can be a nothing to one person and mean everything to another.

You can have a tiny stature but take up immense space in the hearts of those who love you.

You can be "the baby" and a mother at the same time.

You can appear in someone's life at a time when it seemed to be the worst time for it...and you can leave it the same way. 

You can love unconditionally and not even realize it.

There is no difference between burden and privilege or the rescuer and rescued.

Animals have a soul and a spirit....they live, they breathe, they teach and they learn...they communicate without words and draw the greatest bonds of love known to man. 

To my Baby Chicken....I feel blessed that your short stay here was with me and my family and that you're now home safe with my family that went before you.  I asked my dad to carry you over and I know he did.  I will sorely miss you until the sting of your absence becomes more bearable, but I will never forget you or the contribution you made to my life by nothing more than your presence.

WAKING UP--Seek No Other Teacher Than That of Your Own Truth.

Good Morning All!
As I sit here this morning, drinking my freshly-ground and brewed coffee, made just the way I like it, I am overwhelmed with feelings of immense gratitude for my life, and all that I have. 

If I were to make this blog post a confessional of sorts, I would have to be honest enough to say that I haven't always been this appreciative.  I haven't always defaulted to gratitude.  I've bitched and moaned, felt sorry for myself, felt I deserved better or more.  I've been stuck in hostility and resentment over the choices of others that directly effected me and my life in some way. I've been disappointed when others ignored or avoided my need for compassion, assistance and/or affection when I needed it the most--when I would have been the first one reaching out to them in the same circumstances. Sure...I AM human--and probably one of the most pressing and dire needs of a human being is to feel as if they matter..that they are seen...that they are in some way an important and vital part of this life and all that manifests within it.  But, which is more important...how I feel about myself and understand myself...or how others see and understand me?

I recently read an article about the tendencies, behavior, and the exquisite emotional intelligence of "empaths."  Scoff at the "label", and laugh at its implication if you must, but it struck a major chord with me.  Though everyone could read the same article and say they share some of the same characteristics SOME OF THE TIME, or have experienced them at one time or another..there are probably very few who would say that it is a daily cross they bear or a struggle they enter into from the time they awaken in the morning that goes with them every minute of the day--that they really cannot escape...even in sleep.  It went on to explain that the less an empathic person understands about their immense capability to "feel" their way through life, the less grounded they are and go on to become.  Therefore, it is very accurately expressed that those who have this sometimes annoying and most times downright frightful capability need to seek to understand, accept, and incorporate this innate and mysterious part of them into their daily lives in order to be spiritually wise as well as grounded in reality and lead a balanced life. 

I am a chronic researcher, probably because my curiosity has absolutely no boundary.  I have to dig to the bottom of everything....I seek to understand...I want to know...but I am content to WAIT for the answers if they are not the immediate result of my research.  I've learned that there are just some things that need the space and time to unfold before you.  However, in order for me to recognize it when it happens, I have to remain aware, follow the signs, and rely on my ability to recognize patterns and my inner radar to detect "a disruption in the force."  I 've come to understand that  a concentrated focus on a specific answer leaves room for manufacturing what would be a more acceptable and pleasing outcome.  The answers that are most valuable and important are those that come to you without a concerted effort through a state of open awareness. I've always been sensitive to people's feelings and their behavior, and I've also become quite curious about the workings of the mind and nature and how they interact with one another to create the life we lead.  It is a completely natural happenstance for me to just sit back and observe everything that goes on around and inside of me.  I tend to "catch" things that others have no idea I am experiencing.  I rather enjoy the bit of comic relief this provides to me at times--when I cannot believe that people have NO clue how they are coming off to others.  I am not big on lip service, nor am I swayed by campaign.  I DIAL right in on what is behind and underneath it all...it comes completely naturally to me.  I can pretty accurately spot a fraud, and I can also just as astutely recognize the "real deal."  This is my greatest gift and blessing...though it took me half of my life to figure it out how to apply this gift to my overall intelligence.  I spent many years martyring myself before the undeserving because my bent toward compassion and feeling another's pain was permitted to run wild apart from my better judgment.  I was convinced that my over-active empathy and compassion for others was my best asset and so I became totally invested in exerting all of my energy source to that.  What I found was that although it served me in a way to be able to say and believe "I gave (them) the BEST of me"...I also had to face the fact that THAT was a lie.  The best of me would be the BALANCED ME...The real me...ALL of me.  That includes the part of me that KNOWS they have the capacity to dig themselves out of the mess they got themselves into, the part of me that recognized the story didn't necessarily match the facts,the body language didn't integrate at all with the facial expression... the part of me that really wanted to tell them..."FIGURE IT OUT...I don't know what to tell you."  BUT...the part of me that I felt to be selfish, uncaring, and unsympathetic...(ya know...all the "bad" parts of me).  I could NEVER allow those bad things to enter into a GENUINE and AUTHENTIC exchange...that would make me FEEL bad about myself.  So there you have it folks...the confession of a textbook EMPATH.

It wasn't until I realized how much it TOOK from me to GIVE so "unselfishly" to others that I began to understand how I had misused this gift of sensitivity. It is VERY true that we teach others how to treat us. I accept full responsibility, though I also forgive myself for my naivety and ignorance.  I really had no idea how self-sabotaging I had allowed the better part of me to become--until I was left in a serious state of emotional and mental bankruptcy--and had to FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF--and that I did!  The biggest hurdle that has always stood before me in the worst times of my life has been understanding WHY things happen the way they do, WHY people are the way they are, and why I always seemed to be a target for greedy, unappreciative, and self-serving people.  I always seemed to end up on the shitty end of the stick!  There were times where I had lost all hope in humanity...but even more scary, all hope period...and I had no faith at all in myself, did not trust my own judgment, and had NO idea who I was or where I fit into my very own life.  I became withdrawn, kept to myself--out of extreme fear of ever opening myself up again to anyone.  I became sullen and stern...and I tipped from my defaulted "idealistic" outlook to complete and total REALISM...all things possible and everything of potential became nonexistent in my life...for a while.  The term most modern-day spiritual guru's will use to describe this phenomenon is "the dark night of the soul."  Yep...and I'm glad THAT is over with!!  What I came out of that period with...was the answer I had been looking for for most of my life.  Who I am and who I am not, how I think and how I don't, what is most important to me and what isn't so much..or not at all.  What I deduced from my commitment to ME..with all of the very difficult and unabashed honesty...was quite striking and so very true...so much so...I BANK my life on it. 

I AM..an INVESTOR

Only an investor understands VALUE.  Only an investor immediately sees potential in every opportunity/person/relationship/purchase....everything.  In turn, it is just automatic for an investor to begin to invest in everything that he/she feels to be somewhat worthy of risk.  They are focused on quality.  In an ending relationship where one person feels more broken than the other..chances are, it is an investment-spender dynamic.  A spender SPENDS his/her time, his/her money, his/her effort to the ends of immediate gratification...in other words...they live to have fun, to be entertained, to have their needs "of the moment" satisfied.  Where an investor puts all they have into everything they do...their energy, their monetary wealth, their creativity..always thinking of growth, expansion, and building toward optimum potential.  They know the value of giving til it hurts now because they are geared toward "the long run."  It is probably very important for me to clarify...this is NOT a mental process.  This is not a CONDITIONED state.  It is an innate essence.  This is why SO many businesses that "should have made it big" fold up and fall under...because there are spenders who believe that they can be taught or trained to be smart investors.  Umm...sorry....that's not the way it works...right GM? Fannie Mae?  Freddie Mac?  They are quantity driven....more parts, more money, more attention, more notoriety...and yet the quality lacks because their SPENDING habits are always going to come from an attitude of lack and a self-serving vantage point.  An investor invests all of their assets to achieve balance, harmony, peace, joy and lasting happiness.   They NEED their time to matter, their attitude and contribution to the "greater good for all" to allow them to sleep at night.  They give everything they have to the greatest potential outcome...and this is why when things don't work out....they are BROKEN and left destitute.  The spender LIVES in this space.  They never have anything of value because they don't recognize it to begin with...and so when things don't pan out for them, its just normal.  They are short-term thinkers....the value is in the immediate return..and the more, the better.  However, when that is gone, they just seek out a different source.  An investor, however,  LOSES him/herself within the loss....because they ARE their source of investment. 

INVESTOR/SPENDER RELATIONSHIPS

The bible warns "do not become unequally yoked with unbelievers."  This is a very strong and powerful warning.  However, it seems that the age-old saying "opposites attract" is equally as powerful.  Attraction...is temporary and ever changing.  Your innate essence...is NOT.  It is steadfast and it DRIVES you...it is your spirit, your soul...your foundation.  A spender is "attracted" to an investor.  Why wouldn't they be?  It is a free ride on the "potential success" train.  It is an unearned venture into the "shared" success of another...hmmm..good deal...right?  WRONG!  It will never work out IN THE LONG RUN FOR THE INVESTOR.  The spender will stick around as long as the investor will have them....and that is the way things like this usually turn out.  When the investor recognizes what it has COST them to sustain the spender, they usually will cut their losses and walk away...no matter the perceived loss OR how painful it is...because you see, the investor also realizes that with every investment...there is a risk...and emotional reaction/response changes minute to minute.  In terms of attraction, the investor is also strongly attracted to the spender because of their seemingly refreshing care-free outlook on life and their ability to just LET GO of all of the worrisome aspects of life.  Because an investor is so locked into BUILDING, they are typically miring over details...and it is very refreshing to just LET LOOSE once in a while and just go with the flow and be in the company of FUN.  This relationship definitely serves each of the people in it SHORT TERM.  Long term, it comes down to the core of it all for the investor...is this worth my time, my effort, my financial, emotional, and mental strain?  

SO...DOES THIS MEAN THAT SPENDERS HAVE NO SOUL?

Not necessarily.  I believe that souls can be damaged to the point of unrecognition.  I believe that spenders have probably had to seek "alternatives" their entire lives because in their formative years, the true measure of their own value that comes most times from the love, attention, support, and example of our parents in the very formative and most dependent  years of our human existence lacked in some way.  They may have had to SEEK that which should have naturally BEEN through buying, bartering or trade.  THIS is a HABITUAL and CONDITIONED mindset and response to life...it is not natural.  It is based upon ease-of-use and replacement potential.  It is where love and security become objectified into a commodity.  Therefore, because any type of real security was ALTERNATING in nature, it may have manifested into a belief that its source was the same.  Their structure then becomes built upon the foundation of others.  Because they, themselves lack foundation, they go on to become great manufacturers.  And they manufacture EVERYTHING--including (but definitely not limited to)... the truth. 

So one may then pose the question...why...if you have two people who come from similar backgrounds of neglect does one go on to be an investor and the other a spender?  I can only speak for myself, but somewhere down inside of me, I knew that the examples I was given during childhood were not quite right.  I felt a deep sense of discontentment and discomfort in a lot of things I witnessed, the way things were done, and places I would find myself.  I had my "teenage" stint in spending...and it served my purpose for a while...but I was always aware that those fleeting experiences I would lie, cheat, and steal for either always landed me in punishment or back to square one.  I was very aware that I was living hard and going nowhere.  Yeah..it was FUN, while it lasted....but as young and reckless as I was, I really did know how completely WASTEFUL it was.  I wanted what I wanted and I went to whatever extreme...AND EXPENSE to get it, but pretty soon, my reconciliation statement became pretty unbalanced.  A whole bunch of expenditures, and absolutely no dividends.  I was grounded more than I was free, I was worried more than I was at peace, I was living in fear of being "found out"...and more importantly, I was manifesting that same discontentment and discomfort that others manufactured in my own life at my own will.  I think it is just a matter of emotional intelligence--when you can readily recognize that what you are doing IS or is NOT who you are and the feelings and bodily sensations associated with whatever it is that you are doing, have done, or are thinking of doing just feel complimentary or contrasting in nature.  There is a palpable feeling of completeness when your thoughts, your intentions, your motivations, and your actions are in line with your core essence.  It just feels right.

SO then, another question would be posed about whether or not a typical spender really even feels this "spending remorse."  THAT I cannot answer.  I only know that my time spent was the result of immature and selfish experimentation.  There is a LOT of scientific documentation out there that supports the fact that the mind is more powerful than the body--so much so,  that you can alter bodily responses and capabilities with a mere thought.  It is also documented that the mind can, in fact, rewire the brain...it can convince the physical into anything it wants to believe especially if these thoughts then develop into patterns.  So, the jury is out on that one.  I guess people only know what they themselves feel and if what they feel is in line with their intentions, then I suppose it is "normal" for each individual...however, I believe to the core of who I am that there are no good/bad people...I think it is more complex than that.  I do, however, believe that there are two opposing, yet equally as powerful energies that are grounded in one of  these two archetypes.

You would think that this investment mentality would land someone steeped in it into a life of chronic planning...however, the opposite is true.  The more calculated a planner, the more calculating the mind.  I tend to not make plans EVER.  I am really bad at sticking to them.  This doesn't make me disorganized, it just means that I don't have the need to externally organize all that much. My self-discipline is integrated into my person...it is not a separate process.   I'm very aware of the value of my time and effort...that is all I need.   I live in the moment and think what the moment calls for me to think and do what it calls for me to do.  My biggest nightmare is being asked "so what do you do for fun? --or--  how do you spend your free time?  It isn't really a couple-sentence or few-word reply, I am afraid.  It may appear complex, but it is very, very simple.  I AM...I am not DO or THINK...although it is argued that if you think you are this or that...that you are this or that...and this is where the mind removes itself from wholeness. Once you entertain that thought with your time, you become locked in it and you become a slave to your mind.  If I must conjure up a short and very basic answer to those questions above, it would be that I lead my life following where it leads.  And let's face it, NOBODY wants to hear that...!!!!  And that is ok...because I am now aware how just a simple question can lead one to some pretty profound revelations.

Seven Deadly Sins:
1.  Wealth without work.
2.  Pleasure without conscience.
3.  Science without humanity.
4.  Knowledge without character. 
5.  Politics without principle.
6.  Commerce without morality.
7.  Worship without sacrifice. 
~Mahatma Gandhi

"A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone."~Henry David Thoreau.

"Those born to wealth and who have the means of gratifying every wish, know not what is the real happiness of life--just as those who have been tossed on the stormy waters of the ocean on a few frail planks can alone realize the blessings of fair weather."~Alexandre Dumas.

"Wealth is the slave to a wise man.  The master of a fool."~Seneca quote.

The End.