Good morning folks!
Well, I made it through my surgery...3 days post-op today. It has been a little rougher of a recovery than my first laparoscopic procedure a few years back...but I'm coming along. I really hope that of all the "dispensable" organs we are equipped with, this last one was the last to go on me before I take the dirt nap. I don't like having surgery at all!! While I was in the pre-op holdiing area, there was a gentleman next to me (separated only by a "curtain wall" who went down the list of surgeries he had had in the past and I was like "Good God...that poor guy!!" And yet, there he was like it was nothin'...and I suppose to him, it really was nothin! There are a lot of things I would love to master in my lifetime, although I can honestly say that getting accustomed to being cut open, prodded, snipped, and stitched; and then sent home to suffer a few days or weeks...yeah.....not on the list! There are things on this 3rd day of recovery that feel MUCH better and things that seem to be going worse. I can get around pretty well. I did well with that the day of surgery...and the day after...but then yesterday...I was REALLY SORE and began to feel very tired and had a loss of appetite. That loss of appetite and mild nausea...still here today. Not sure if I should be worried about that...cuz the day after, I ate all kinds of things (bland and soft diet, of course)...but I was hungry..and now, I'm not so much. The weight thing has got to turn around here...down to 117 lbs. Cannot remember the last time I weighed so little and this icky feeling I am beginning to have is not helping THAT cause at all! Trying to stay positive. Trying to just tell myself that my body is just trying to adjust to digestion without a gallbladder.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about the going under and the waking up. The first operative procedure I had, I got way too much anesthesia and it took me literally HOURS to wake up...like an entire evening and overnight until I felt like I could function. This time was quick!! However, the first time, I remember them putting the mask on me saying "just a little oxygen" and I remember seeing the white and purple round lights above me..(although I thought I saw 3 or 4 of them!!) and then...nothing until I was in the recovery room. This time, they wheeled me into the OR before they even gave me my Versed...and I didn't like that too much!! Usually, I'm so stoned by the time I get there, I don't even CARE what they are gonna do to me while I'm in there!! My anesthesiologist was a woman who said.."I got all kinds of goodies here for you...the medicine is going in...and in about 2 minutes, you will not be able to talk to me anymore...go ahead and close your eyes and enjoy." Which I did!! The shifted me to the OR gurney and that is the last thing I remember...no mask, no lights..no nothin'...until I was in recovery. What I remember this time; however, when I was first awakened was that I was in a rather "REAL" dream state. I can't really remember what it was I was dreaming about..and I seemed to be VERY interactive in it, like I was busy moving about and talking to the people that were there but I remember that I really THOUGHT I was there and when I woke up, it was a HUGE surprise to me to be in the OR recovery room. I even said out loud..."OMG, I forgot where I was there for a minute." and the nurse just laughed. What I find striking about coming out of this drug-induced sleep is how really ALERT part of you is and how totally out of it other parts are. For instance, I had immense clarity as to what was being said around me, to me and can tell you exactly what my recovery nurse looked like--and my memory is sharp when I recall everything that was said and everything that I said. However, the strange part about it was that I could hear others and knew others were there...but I saw no one else, nothing else. Just her and what she was doing with me. I couldn't get a grasp on being in a room with other people in it (though I knew this was the case)...I could only SEE, focus, and be clear that there was a woman there with short dark hair taking care of me, talking to me, asking me questions, and allowing me a couple of ice chips...and I even remember thinking...why can't I see anyone or anything else--I even tried, but I couldn't. I remember my trip to the post-op holding area where my care was resumed by the nurse there and my daughter greeting me when I got there, and from there, my scope of vision and mental clarity began to encompass all that was around me.
I found this phenomenon noteworthy (obviously..I'm writing about it, lol)...because it makes me wonder if there is just the part of you that IS you that engages and nothing else matters. Is it that part of you...that survival instinct...that love of life and the recognition ONLY of those who are aiding you in it? Why is it that even though you can hear others around, you just cannot focus on that...why is it just that tiny little area that encompasses you and those caring for you that you can actually see, recognize, and remember? And WHY is THIS so CLEAR and everything else just seems to be background noise and unimportant? Could it be that need and the selfless acts of others take the forefront and could it be that getting back to your life is the only consideration...and concentration on the job ahead is the only thing we LET in?
I've learned from this twilight experience...I've learned that these are the things that deserve our attention...those caring for us, those who love us...and working toward our own "recovery"--recognizing and remembering those who were there to aid us in our healing and just leaving all the BACKGROUND noise alone...no focus at all. This taught me that we are indeed ONE first...and then...a part of the bigger picture--and they say that drugs are bad!! LOL...
Have a great day...and hope I didn't bore you too much with my analogy of my surgical procedure!! Just always focus on what MATTERS.
Namaste.
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