Hi everyone...
Well, we woke up to a seemingly angry winter day!! I guess old man winter has gotten tired of his retreat and docile nature this year. You'll have that I guess! The amount of snowfall we have gotten this year is about 3" (before today), and for an area that is customarily used to 80-160 inches by the end of the season, I would say that at the halfway point, we have done well--OR--we have a LOT of catching up to do in the second half of this season. Shit...we usually already have that 3 inches under our belt by the end of November!! As I sit this morning, looking out my window, I think about how nature's wiles and whims are not unlike those of human nature. They can be so predictable at times, and at others...not so much at all. But all-in-all, we take a picture of things as we become accustomed to them and compare the happenstance of the moment to them, don't we?
Hence, my mind this morning travels to the phenomenon of repression. Some would term repression as an avoidance of emotion because of an inability to deal with it, or just a personal choice not to. Someone very dear to me said to me once, "Ever since I have known you, (even when you were a little girl), you have always been one to behave like you are always okay. You are not one to display need or ask for anything because you would rather deal with it yourself." I've come to find that although most may view this as a good attribute to have and some may even ENVY it in others...the person who is like this really stands on uneven ground and, at times, is really experiencing some pretty harsh inner turmoil.
These are the things that I hear "about" me from others:
1. You are a strong woman, I have no doubt that you will be okay.
2. Talking to you makes me feel better.
3. You are so intelligent.
4. You should be very proud of the job you have done with your children.
5. You are one of the most caring, unselfish people I know.
6. You have a way with words (expressing yourself).
7. I feel comfortable around you (and in your home).
8. You are so insightful and full of wisdom.
9. You are deep. (sometimes with the modifier "too" in front of it).
10. And of things I say..."I've never thought about it like that, but that makes a lot of sense."
Now, these are ALL wonderful compliments, but this is how I see myself:
As a normal human being with feelings and needs just like everyone else.
Now back to the idea of repression. I believe that stating that repression is a defense mechanism that begins as a choice is glossing over the complicated nature of it. Because of the way people view me as a strong, resilient, intelligent, wise, compassionate, selfless person who has no problem with expressing herself, providing comfort to those in need, and the ability to shed new light upon a circumstance or situation that builds some sort of strength in others because of the depths I travel to find balance in things...what happens when I feel weak, helpless, stupid, shallow, selfish, having problems finding an explanation, am myself in need of comfort, and having problems finding the light of day in a circumstance or situation, and have no strength? I will tell you. It is left for me to deal with myself. Ah-ha...I should just climb right into my telephone booth and emerge the superhuman person that everyone perceives me to be, I guess. What you project, gets reflected back to you by others.
I have broken a cycle in the manner of how to treat others (as opposed to how I had become accustomed to being treated) because I remember full well how it felt to feel pushed aside, ignored, unimportant, and living a life without support, compassion, and understanding....so the assessment of the onlookers of me is pretty accurate...HOWEVER, the part that follows "treat others" (which I have mastered)....."as you would want to be treated" gets lost on me. No one seems to think that I need back what I give because I've made it my nature to GIVE and be strong. And I ask myself...why is this??? And the answer is...are you ready...hard pill to swallow right here....here goes....I teach people how to treat me. I may have added something to the lives of others by openly offering them those things that I never had...but I am still placing MYSELF in the position of being "tossed aside." It is nothing for me to lay myself down for the good of another, and do you know why? Because it was NEVER DONE FOR ME and I remember how that felt, so I cannot make anyone else feel the way I felt (OR AS THE CASE MAY BE...continue to FEEL). Now if I have no problem tossing MYSELF aside, then why should anyone else? This is the dynamic of projection/reflection. No one thinks that I need because I am always "okay" and more concerned that THEY are okay.
So this leads me to ask...is repression FORCED upon us by outer sources or our own conscience? If we are to love others above ourselves, turn the other cheek, treat others the way we would like to be treated etc., etc, etc....is this the true and pure way of life...to deny ourselves and to allow ourselves to be denied by others? Who knows for sure? When you appear to have it all under control all of the time and are perceived to be an endless vat of giving, who then thinks that YOU need anything? I would have to guess it is just one's way of pushing oneself aside before someone else does. The irony in this is you do it yourself to avoid it being done to you by others...and then....you get a double-whammy--by both yourself AND others. Do people not understand that the way I treat them is but a mere reflection of how I wish to be treated BY them? If I respect you, am honest with you, am compassionate toward you, am helpful to you in times of need. If I recognize in you a sadness, a fear, a confusion, and I reach out to you, does this not put some sort of passion in you to do the same for me when I display a need for such, or do you just ignore the fact that I have any needs at all in view of my superhuman strength and all? Not a hard concept really...is it?
So back to you old man winter...you and I have something in common right now. I feel ya! lol. You have held off what you are fully within your right to exercise for LONG enough, and I wanna be the first to tell ya...on one hand, I SO APPRECIATE THAT YOU DID, but at the same time, I realize your true nature, to be all of what you are, and so I understand the force in which you have burst back onto the scene. We all expect you to be strong and tireless in your effort to be all that you are, and yet, you have shown us a softer side. I want you to know, that I noticed the difference and appreciate that you, yourself, are multifaceted, have strengths and weaknesses. I am sure that there are a lot of people out there who would love for you to wear your more docile and giving "hat" to better accommodate them, make their lives easier and to fit more into their idea of what you should be as opposed to what you really are, but hey, I say, I have seen and appreciate you when you are strong and when you are weak. I noticed the beauty that you allowed to shine through in your repression...flowers blooming in my garden into the month of January...a savings on propane that before this year was unheard of OR ever expected at a time when I needed these things the most. So I see the good that comes from your more giving nature, but I also respect the force you exhibit when you display all that you are.
Yet another area of me that I need to focus into balance...still on the learning curve!! :)
“Most people have no idea of the giant capacity we can immediately command when we focus all of our resources on mastering a single area of our lives.”~ Anthony Robbins.
“To photograph is to hold one's breath, when all faculties converge to capture fleeting reality. It's at that precise moment that mastering an image becomes a great physical and intellectual joy.”~ Henri Cartier-Bresson.
“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”~ Brian Tracy.
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.”~
Tao Te Ching.
Have a good day everyone...polish up on your YOU skills!! See ya back here soon!!
Raina--snowa, let the wind blowa.
I can see the seasons change,
My mind now set to rearrange,
the way you see me in your eyes.
The time has come to recognize,
that I'm no different than you are.
I'm not your wish upon a star.
Unless of course, you are mine too.
Just see me more... like I see you.
HA! I wasn't planning on that, but it just flowed...so I'm keepin' it!!
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