Well, today is the 47th anniversary of my emergence into this world....wow!! I can't help but reflect. It seems when I was growing up and probably up til about the age of 40, there was something that each year brought me closer to obtaining, my permit, my license to drive, legal drinking age, advancing my education, getting married, having children, raising children, owning my own home, and the coming to fruition of those things that made another year celebratory. However, I can honestly say that beyond that point, I guess I really didn't have any goals set other than enjoying all that I had achieved, getting my kids raised and out on their own, watching their lives flourish and grow, and then merely tending to what I had worked for to that point.
This year; however, I have realized that I view my birthdays more as a memorial service than a celebration. This is not to say that I don't appreciate life nor that I don't feel blessed every day to awaken to a new day, but it is more a lamenting over past mistakes, regrets, and trying to piece together some semblance of understanding of how the past few years have ushered me into today. I have worked for and achieved all of those goals, but now I sit and think about all it has cost me, how time seems to invariably fall between the gaps in my fingers like sand, and I am stuck wondering "what shoulda/woulda/coulda been---if only....."
I've resigned myself to the notion that I never really thought of myself a whole lot year to year and placed my energies into guiding, building, shaping, what I was DOING and I do know that the only plan I had for my life after my children were grown and self-sufficient was working for nothing more than enjoying and appreciating what I already had. I wished for nothing more so I never had a "plan B" for a possibility that deviated from that master plan.
I think of how many times I have been unwittingly thrust into re-evaluation and re-calculation, and yet I sit here today as if those times are all but forgotten, feeling lost to correct and transcend the ones I struggle with now. However, none of the set-backs of the past were ever as all-encompassing as the ones I stand in today and I cannot help but wonder why.
I do believe I am somewhat fearful (which is what I speak against most times) that "drastic times call for drastic measures"..and in this, I mean, going places where all comfort and familiarity is left behind, no compass in which to begin my journey, but just pure reliance on reading the signs along the way. Maybe this point of my life wasn't MEANT to be planned by me. Maybe it is time for me to BE guided, built, and shaped into the plan that was designed FOR me. Maybe the only thing I have to do is something...anything...jump...go...and trust that my "why" will be answered as I go. It is becoming apparent that there is nothing keeping me here but me and my stubborn will to stay.
I have had to let go of so many things in my life, say goodbye, and change my direction. I guess I always hoped that with age...I could rest in the belief that just ONE decision I had made would stand up to time and be with me forever. I am fast learning that sometimes, you have to lose everything and start all over again with nothing but the will to live and that most things in this life are fleeting until you are in the exact right place at the exact right time according to something bigger than yourself. When you are hanging by that one last thread, that one last lifeline, and your life begins to depend upon anyone and/or everyone else's decisions and it becomes clear that those decisions do not fall in favor with what you HOPE would be, it is time to become a teenager all over again and remap the life that you DIDN'T live, reconsider the decisions that you DIDN'T make, and explore possibilities on the other side because THIS IS your decision and the only option left.
So on my 47th birthday, I drum up the courage to step outside of my circumstance in the same drastic manner in which I arrived here and take charge of it. I have done my job, and I am very proud of the "all-in" mentality and do-or-die attitude that not only drove me to finish what I began, but to excel beyond my own perceived capabilities. It will probably be the hardest thing I have ever done because everyone fears the unknown and uncertain...but at least there will be some sort of movement...and sometimes, movement has to come before direction because direction alone is not a guarantee of movement. So I guess what I am saying here is ...."the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."
We are not even guaranteed a next minute, next hour, or a tomorrow to work our ideas and plans into tangibility. We are only guaranteed that wherever we arrive is where we are and if we refuse to go anywhere, then there is no one to blame but ourselves.
“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure , the process is its own reward.”~ Amelia Earhart
“All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last.”~ Marcel Proust
“Don't you ever wonder maybe if you took a left turn instead of a right you could be someone different?”~Unknown.
"A multitude of causes unknown to former times are now acting with a combined force to blunt the discriminating powers of the mind, and unfitting it for all voluntary exertion to reduce it to a state of almost savage torpor.~William Wordsworth.
Have a good day everyone!
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