Take The Long Way Home......

Good morning everyone!!

I would be sadly amiss if I did not comment about this incredible weather we have been having this March. We have been near 80 and have consistently been in the mid- to high-60s for an entire week now. Not much rain..matter of fact, this just started late yesterday into this morning. It is quite foggy out there this morning, but warm and it smells wonderful out there! I've had so much work to do around here outside and have wasted no time in gittin' er done every opportunity I have gotten. I'm a bit sore, but if truth be told, I love it. As you know (or as I have shared), I had two huge sugar maple trees cut down by the power company and all winter long, these massive pieces of trunk have laid upon my front lawn and the sawdust in my yard, in places, is 6-8 inches thick--and as I continue to dig down into it, it is wet, heavy, and like glue...and smells of mold--yuck! My entire front yard was a barrage of small, medium, and large wood chips, sawdust and finally...all that wood! I paid a young man to come and split all of these huge trunk pieces and now, I have (at least) condensed the wood into 3 neatly-placed pyramids of split wood. However, the clean-up around them seems endless. I keep thinking...once I get those piles moved to their prospective storage place, what kind of mess will be lurking underneath them all?! But that's okay, I don't mind working at all...and this kind of work yields an almost immediate result and reward---which pushes me to keep going every opportunity I get. It is looking like I am going to have to plant new grass, as my lawn has taken quite a beating...and I may even have to have some topsoil trucked in to fill a few places, but that's okay too.

So, as the weather progresses rather nicely and I've spent most of my time outdoors, I decided to marinate some chicken and throw it out on the grill for our first official "cook-out." When I went out to my grill to clean it up for our initial grilling session, I noticed that it was not usable...rusted, and one of the burners had a large crack in it and the flame-dispersing piece that fits over the burners was completely dust. I cannot have that!! Oh no, we are an outdoors dwelling family during the summer months...and I have to have a functioning grill...so the shopping begins..and this time, I will get a cover for it!! Live and learn all over the place. If you want something to last, you have to take care of it. If you want something done, you have to do it. If you want to improve any situation, you have to take part in the resolution. If you want to reap benefit from anything....you have to put the work into it.

It's funny the places you find yourself hiding sometimes, isn't it? I've found myself hiding behind the "wait" and beneath the reaction. I've found myself clearly living in denial of reality, while my idealism attempted to engineer the train to clarity. I found myself immobile as I waited for decisions to be made FOR me, even though deep down inside I knew it wasn't going to be the "right one" for me. I had become tired, afraid, and guarded. I didn't trust my own judgement anymore, so I passed off any and all opportunity for change by retreating and pulling back to what I considered "safety." But, it was not safety at all..it was a trap, a prison, a sentence, for a crime I hadn't even committed. I was burying myself, disadvantaging myself, holding myself back. Even worse, is when I subconsciously began to believe that "this is all there is" and I began to take on that looming "victim mentality" --even though the me underneath it all was fighting against it. I knew better, but I didn't DO better.

All of this vision I had before I began all of this yard work and the veracity in which I have taken it all on and the consistency in my action in direct conjunction to my motivation has proven to unearth myself. The feeling of taking ONLY the responsibility that I, alone, choose to take, and putting my efforts into only those things that yield a positive, forward-moving result and seeing and more importantly BELIEVING in myself, my judgement, my vision, and gleaming within the end-result of it has turned my attitude completely around. I am back! I am whole, I am content, and I am finally enjoying my time alone. I am no longer afraid, tired, and /or guarded. I am strong, full of energy, and open...to all things...AGAIN...FINALLY! There is no loneliness..it is nothing but a smoke screen. Peace does not mean boredom. I find that keeping my body moving WITH my mind and allowing TRUTH to drive this train, I am at peace with myself.

I have realized that I had gotten way too impressionable, way too hopeful, and that I had leaned upon the "what could and should be(s)" of life to the point of totally ignoring "what really is" and "what isn't meant to be(s)." The key to overcoming for me, I think was really forgiving MYSELF for allowing myself to fight myself for so long out of nothing but mistrust of my very own judgement. I somehow convinced myself that I was NOT in charge of my life, my emotions, my decisions, my peace, my happiness, nor any fulfillment in my life.

I can joyfully say for CERTAIN that this is not a phase, nor is it me trying to convince myself of all that I have said...because in previous posts, I had done that. I was caught in a never-ending cycle of highs and lows. This is not to say that I didn't believe IN what I was thinking, saying, and sharing...but I wasn't in true BELIEF OF IT. There was a part of me that was always "longing", always hoping that things would be contrary...a part of me tugging me in a different direction. I am happy to say this day that there is none of that anymore. I believe the truth, not my distorted vision of completeness. I am no longer pulled apart anymore between what is and what should have been. I am whole in the truth...and yes...the TRUTH does set you free.

I am almost proud of myself in a way by taking the LONG way home. It had given me the time I needed to get my attitude in line with my decisions. Anyone can make a decision to do or not do something, and it could be for a variety of reasons, but if your attitude and will lag behind, there will always be those moments of "revisiting" and "going back" and wondering what could have been had you not sought out every opportunity to seek and find the real truth. My journey wore me down---as all of the most important one's I have taken have. The way I have handled this season of my life was really not unlike any difficult season I had gone through previously and the lessons I have learned were DRIVEN so far down into my being that they all have forever changed me (or redirected me). These all have been times in my life where I had gotten off-track no matter how much I wanted to believe it was the right way. Today, I thank God that He doesn't ever give up on us. As long as we are willing to learn, no matter how long it takes and no matter how much pain we allow ourselves to endure in the process, there are always little hints of his hand in our lives, subtle, yet sometimes agonizing discipline that follows a set consistency, over and over again...until we finally surrender and GET IT!

I will never forget the words I awoke with in my mind one early morning a while back while struggling through this process. They were..."You need not trust anyone but ME." And today, I can truly say..."I DO!"

Have a great day everyone, and thank you for allowing me to vent. It is my hope that anyone struggling with your identity due to circumstance in your life can relate to something I have shared here about mine. Be blessed, be focused, and most importantly, be YOU. There is no other like you & there is a reason for that.

Best wishes!