Feelin' groovy....

Good Monday Morning to ALL!!

I am getting that itch to write on a pretty regular basis again!! I LOVE writing...but FIRST, I need something to write ABOUT!! I took a small hiatus from my blog because of writers block (so to speak, I guess). Distractions and lack of inspiration..more of my thought-processor (tying things together)being on the bum than my word processor (ability to find the words to say). All of this comes from being neck deep in "the experience", i.e., LIVING the experience, feeling it, hearing it, touching it, BEING it..for the things I write about, THIS is step #1, and some experiences take longer than others to materialize into thought, to words, and then to something that may interest others to read. I am a pretty universal "thinker" or believer, so you can imagine the wide scope I have to work with here...BUT..I want to say that I have had some pretty immense reader response lately from all over the world and I want to take time to let those who pop in to read my thoughts know how much I appreciate your interest in the sometimes "out-there" ideas I have about life. THANK YOU!! I would also like to ask that you don't be shy and leave a comment once in a while, as I feel that you are all getting to know me pretty well and I would feel honored to get to know you all as well!! Okay, with all of that out of the way...my latest experience/thought/interpretation...(my college English professor doesn't call me "the philosopher" for nothin'! :)

The importance of confidence (self-nourishing)...and the capability to keep it in context without letting it go to your head and turn to conceit (self-serving).

Okay, this is a BIG one and there is a HUGE difference. Although these two qualities are tied together and build upon one another and are USED together, there still remains a wedge between. One is real, the other is feigned, and the ability to discern between the two comes with careful dissection of motive. Confidence is a VERY attractive quality to have, though TOO MUCH of anything is self-sabbatoge.

A few years back, I was a very confident, self-reliant, fiercly independent woman. I had left a very long and not-so-healthy marriage where my confidence had been pretty well stripped to nothing, got my own apartment with my 3 babes in tow, and began the soul-searching, confidence-rebuilding, independent lifestyle..which took me quite a while. There were a lot of adjustments to make, but by the end of a year, I was a totally DIFFERENT person. I NEEDED no one and nothing from anyone. I asked for no hand-outs or help with anything. I cannot remember EVER feeling so good about myself and my little family. My goal when I left was to feel confident in my ability to take care of myself and mine...that's all. I wasn't looking for a replacement or stand-in for a life partner, wasn't even looking for a "temporary" change in male scenery...if you get my drift...as matter of fact, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of dating at ALL during that year..It was all about ME and my kids, building a life we all had become accustomed to BY MYSELF...I wanted no distractions..my eyes were FIXATED on my goal..which I did eventually reach. I went from being a doormat to not even letting someone BELIEVE they could get over on me..I spoke up for myself and defended my decisions and took no shit from ANYONE! It was the most liberating time of my life. Though NEVER during this time did I ever believe that I was something special or had something special to offer someone that they couldn't find somewhere else..I was confident WITHOUT an inflated opinion of myself..I was just ME, I was happy being ME, I was proud of the work I had done to rediscover and uncover who I was and that was it. I wasn't out to recieve accolades from others, adoration, or adornment from others...and even when it was offered to me by my very best friends and/or family, I felt uncomfortable with what they only meant to be a term of endearment/compliment. I believe that everyone is responsible for who they are, how they act/react, what they do..and ultimately what they make of themselves...and really, this is the ultimate job we all have to do while we take up space in this universe. I cannot take credit nor be blamed for choices another makes...only my OWN.

So confidence for me was found in myself, used for myself, to make me a better ME...to make me feel better about ME...it was not used to impress nor was it used as an opportunity for selfish gain. Conciet comes into play when someone takes a compliment or attention from others as a sign of being "above" or being something "special." It still makes you feel good about yourself, but the direction it takes from there is purely selfish. It becomes a building block for being CONVINCED you are there for the mere pleasure of others. It becomes a "persona" and/or projection...it is not who you REALLY are, but just a means to keep up with what OTHERS THINK you are.

If you are a regular follower and reader of my posts, you are aware that lately, my confidence is not really where it was a few years back, I am a little insecure, and unsure of my place sometimes, and mostly about my attractiveness and importance..it's not just about outer beauty but inner as well...I have begun to question whether or not I am actually interesting anymore, intriguing anymore..ya know, all those qualities people used to describe me back in the day...that I just don't hear as frequently or FEEL as often. I have begun to again look at what I have become through all the struggle...am I allowing myself to get beat down again? Let's face it, a mousey, unsure, and fairly restricted person isn't really all that attractive or interesting, are they?

I have never been conceited and I have never really relied on opinions of others about me to make me feel worthy of anything; but there are some things that we all suffer in life that a little boost from someone else in an area where we are feeling we are falling a bit short goes a LONG way to seeing ourselves as we are again...we are our own worst critics..and there are times when others can see us more clearly than we see ourselves..the difference between gaining confidence from this attention and becoming narcissistic from it is what we DO with it.

I have had occasion lately to attract attention in the least likely of places. I have been made to feel attractive, interesting, and fun to be around...THIS is what I have NEEDED...and for some reason, I think in times like these, if we believe strongly enough, the universe pulls one out of its ass for us all and gives us EXACTLY what we need to lead us back to WHO we are when we stray a bit in certain areas or when we feel that we are lacking something that maybe WE just believe is lacking---just to let us know we are being STUPID. This has rebuilt a TON of confidence in me and I use it to be just a better me...not to monopolize on anything...just to say to myself..."ya know what, you ARE interesting, you ARE attractive, you are FUN to be around..you are worthy of attention and have some pretty damn interesting things to say" and I can walk with my head held high, CONFIDENT that I am the best me that I can be and maybe I was just letting the actions or thoughts of others dictate who I thought I was...VERY SOBERING chain of events, I must say. The funny thing is, this revelation didn't even come from where I needed it to come from the most...but it really doesn't matter...what matters is that I apply it in the area that I need it the most!

This is a VERY windy post...I will letcha's off the hook...I hope you can read "between" the lines here because such a complicated thought process has a hard time being simplified into comprehensible words sometimes..

Confidence: USE it...don't ABUSE it!!

Good day to you all!