This above all....

Good morning everyone!

I know it has been a WHILE since I have gotten on here to blog my ass off, but truth be told, there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day...although when that work clock gets punched the end of the day...I do NOTHING. It was a HOT one here last nite...could not get comfortable and from what our trusty weatherman says, it's gonna get worse today!! Ewe..I hate humidity...but, it is just something you have to adjust to and live with, and we all know life is a series of adjustments, it is what it is and we have to just find our place in it all.

I am learning that there are a lot of things I have to adjust to and live with lately...behavior that becomes habitual and a mindset that seems to drive it...I have made a very serious choice lately to reconcile a relationship that I thought for SURE was over because the LOVE was still there. However, it isn't as simple as just loving anymore. I mean, this seems to be all that holds a relationship together until trust is broken, and then your life becomes a series of being one step ahead all the time...and this is what I mean about mind-set. You get into the habit of thinking the worst...especially when the trust has been broken more than once. When another's behavior (and thought process)seems to become a pattern, then you react in like manner. It is insane!! Walking on eggshells, worrying all the time, wondering all the time, but always HOPING THIS TIME will be different. And how is one to know....and if it is indeed different this time, will all the paranoia ruin everything? You seem to go into it with a clear mind, having reconcilled a lot in your mind and at first, it is nothing but a forward journey...past left behind...moving on..and it feels so liberating and GOOD...but then...people remind you, bring up the past, the past begins to invade your NOW and you begin to relive, rehash, and those old ways of thinking begin to re-emerge. Your joy in the now becomes dampened by thoughts of the past and the anticipation of it repeating itself once again. VICIOUS.

I have had to keep telling myself..."self...people are going to do and think what they do and think...you cannot prevent it, if they are driven to do something, they WILL do it...with or without your consent, your blessing, or the hours and hours of worry you put into it. The hardest hurdle for me to jump has been the feeling of being "compared." The feeling of being "less." This weighs on me SO heavily all the time. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are not enough, (especially when you give the best of yourself most of the time), or that you lack something or you are too much of something else...I don't know.

If you were to ask me what I thought about myself, I would say that I happen to like me very much...I may not be cutesy, coy, soft-spoken, physically beautiful, lady-like or nice all the time...but I am intelligent, funny, honest, trustworthy, loving and GOOD...I don't put on any masks nor do I wear different "hats"..what you see is what you get, so I don't understand why I am struggling with all of this. It isn't like I have been beaten down because I can still sleep at night, and I live with no guilt, and my self-esteem is really intact...it has just become a habit to believe that this one person has never seen me as I see myself and I am afraid this person never will...it is FEAR that drives all of this in me...the WORST enemy and life-threatening emotion there is. One day at a time...rebuild, regenerate, and readjust...that's all. I cannot sit here today and preach to you all about "not letting someone control your emotional state", the way you look at or feel about yourself, because we all do this to some extent in certain situations...today, I preach to myself to just BE MYSELF, LOVE MYSELF, and be content that I am exactly the way I am supposed to be...and it it isn't good enough for everyone, then it isn't. I will not change unless I FEEL change is warranted...I will not try to become the flavor of the week for anyone. The only thing I need to change right now is MY FEAR, MY INSECURITY...nothing about WHO I am...just how I see things. This is my mission...wish me luck..

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!
~William Shakespear's Hamlet.

Have a great day everyone...