Good morning!
I've not posted in a while (again)...needed to wait until emotions dissipated a bit to gain perspective before I would attempt to put anything in writing. I friend told me "let your feelings subside, then decide." Very good advice..and I have found that really, in the midst of them and now on the other side of them...the decision stays the same..so it is meant to be. I've also learned that posting while enveloped in raw feelings doesn't shed the brightest light upon me and then I have to retract...so this time...got the feelings sorted out first so that I can just sort of spill the residual on this blog that has become an outlet for what I have been screaming from underneath perhaps most of my life...that what I say matters, that what I think matters, that what I dream matters...and that this goes for EVERYONE, not just me. It seems such a shame to have to feel you have to scream this from the rooftops and HOPE that someone cares enough to at least understand.
I am one who has to make sure that I have done everything I possibly can to hold on to something that means something to me for the simple reason that IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME. Although I have realized that some things cannot be harnessed, cannot be held, cannot be counted on, even if you are made to believe they can. When you find your mind working overtime on finding TRUTH and your body is drained from the vibes that there is something being hidden from you, and you are explaining ad nauseum to people the concept of morally right and wrong, principle, and why you shouldn't lie...your life becomes an endless tornado, picking up debris and throwing it wherever it goes and leaving nothing but destruction behind. Today, I choose to breathe. I choose to look forward. I choose to chase my dreams. I choose most of all to be happy...which is something I have been terrified of for a very long time. I will not seek it, as I have decided to let the "proactivity" rest a bit..you should not EVER fight for things that are your God-given right to have. You shouldn't ever have to explain to someone how to treat people, and you should never EVER have to make a complete ass out of yourself because of what you are led to believe by someone who is only using the love you feel so deeply for them to inadvertently allow you to damage yourself, your reputation, and who you are proud to have become...in other words, completely destroy yourself so they can appear to be YOUR saving grace.
I have only one regret in my life and that I will not devulge, it is mine and I will keep it until I can let it go. However, I have never been one to live there, but I visit from time to time...it is good exercise for the character. I know; however, that it is already going away a lot quicker than I thought as it has been replaced by the realization of WHAT I HAVE, what I have achieved, and what (THANK GOD) I have left. I have breath in my body, I have children who everyday inspire me, I have new life all around me (my kitty had babies last week and my tenants had their first child last week as well)...life is precious. It is meant to LIVE not FIGHT for, and you should never feel as though you are put in a position to choose between WHO you are and those beliefs that have gotten you there and PEACE...it will NEVER work, trust me. Everything in ACCORD. Anything outside of the romance that takes place when you love and respect yourself is detrimental. When someone else's lies begin to allow you to lie to yourself, and you find you are destroying your own character based upon what you are made to believe...you are in a toxic situation...it is not healthy.
People who LOVE you will not tear you down or allow you to do it to yourself so that they can "by proxy" make themselves look upstanding. They will not lie to you, keep secrets from you, they will not attach their own identity to YOURS because they are too cowardly to do the inner work themselves, and they will NOT claim any credit for what YOU YOURSELF have done in your life. When someone loves you, they will SHARE all things, lift you up, admire your qualities, brag about you and your accomplishments, give you wings, and be content to watch you fly...and feel blessed to be close to such a force of LOVE.
As I have stated before, I learn the HARD way...but the good thing is I STILL LEARN!!
Much love and positive vibes to you all...I encourage you all to be the best you can be FIRST for yourself and recognize if there may be someone who seems to be stealing it from you before you can even achieve...it is much easier and cost-effective to prevent than it is to rebuild!
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