Whisper on a scream

Wishing all a VERY good morning...it is so good to be alive and well.

I started my day off today viewing a You Tube lecture entitled "The Prescription for Happiness" by Deepak Chopra.  This is not the first of his lectures that I have taken part in...nor will it be the last.  This lecture was based on principles of Buddha (who is known as the first enlightened being).  The snippets of the story of the life of Buddha that were outlined for the purpose of the lecture (as smiling faces in the audience filled with anticipation of a breakthrough) brought me to tears--as I have already had quite a few of them leading me to where I am today...though, there are a couple that I still struggle with.

Yesterday, as I sat re-reading the content of the book I am working on and revising and editing, I realized that I wasn't very pleased with something...I couldn't really put my finger on it...but at the time I wrote it, it felt right, I liked it, but now, with new eyes on a new day, I wasn't quite pleased.  It didn't seem to be the content as much as the context of the content.  It wasn't so much what I was saying or trying to convey, but (in places) how I was saying it--where it was coming from... and the FORMAT that was confusing.  I realized that I was missing something.  My platform is shaky and inconsistent.   I don't want my purpose to be reduced to a "speech."  I am not an expert in anything except being me.  I had to tone down "talking" a bit and instead invite a conversation to take place between myself and the reader---where I listened as much as a spoke.  Don't get me wrong, in places...I was part of a whole, but in others, I stood alone as the whole in itself (contextually speaking)--see what I mean?  Shaky and confusing.  This got me a bit down, not enough to tank it, but just enough to seek a higher voice, a better way, a cohesive solution.

I've grown SO much in the past year that it is actually tactile...I can see it, I can feel it, and it comes BEFORE me in my intention, the thoughts that follow, to the action that inevitably unfolds.  I can see a sharp contrast in some areas, and in others, a building of more power where I already had strength.  If I could put my heart and mind into words, this was the space in which I found myself yesterday via my journal entry for the day:  Learning that it is hard to write about a journey while you are on it...when the scenery changes so much on that road and through the growth process...and what you saw just a month ago takes on a sometimes new and definitively more expansive dynamic and form--and back-space becomes your best friend...and renders the work of your hands to pure vanity. Need to design a better format for contextual content. Leave it to me to bite off the existential!


I realized that an earlier inclination to think, think some more, and over-think was a thing of the past.  Instead, I relinquished my "will" to the silence.  I listened for an answer...to the ultimate question "what am I missing here."  I knew it wasn't my understanding of what I was trying to convey, I knew that it wasn't the words themselves on the pages.  It was ME...something inside of ME that was reflecting the jumbled nature of the whole.  I let it go.  I meditated before bed.  I allowed the thought to gloss over my mind...but then trusted that an answer would come.  This is my new inclination, and with anything new...we need time to learn how to properly utilize it to gain its maximum potential.  Now with this new inclination which has brought such an abrupt change in my mindset, there needed to be found...the balance in it, the point of harmony.  I would have to wait for it to present itself to me.  


As I mentioned, I started my day off (before I visited any social networking site or did anything but get my cup of coffee ready) with this lecture.  In this lecture, the answer unfolded.  


Nirvana:  Discovering the REAL you.  


1).  Be aware of your body.  (This one, I already have!!) :)
2).  Live in the present moment. (This one I've recently surrendered to!!) :)
3).  Embrace silence (Another new practice, but astoundingly profitable and also recently discovered) :)
4).  Relinquishing need for external approval.  (This one was tricky...I already had this one too...I've never gone so far as being a people pleaser, or caring too much what others thought of me, whether they liked me or not (I didn't care to control) but I could be swayed by specific circumstance to unwittingly seek this from the object of which I felt my sense of self-worth was suffering). We'll give this one a   :/
5.  Get rid of toxic emotions.  (THIS is a work in progress...and I found within my expression a reflection of this teeter-tottering.  From my book's beginnings until now, there has been much growth...as I erase the old mindset, I delete much content). :(
6).  Total knowledge--transcendence.  (THANK GOD for this one...it's what keeps me going---I KNOW this one. :)
7).  Don't judge others or yourself (Another transformation in progress, which goes along with the initial development of toxic emotions...it comes before them...so backspacing that out too).  :)
8).  Remove all toxins from your life.  (I haven't even begun this one!!) :(
9).  Replace fear-based thinking with love-based thinking---I got this one DOWN!! :)
10).  Cultivate witness awareness--no problems with this one either!! :)


So...without fear of being honest with myself or exposing my demons, the problems I face in my writing of this book are the reflection of my own spiritual struggles within the content.  My inner content is in a constant state of welcomed metamorphosis.  The good news is that I have discovered a solid platform to convey from, which has also provided me also with a title (which I usually don't stamp onto any of my work until it is allowed to unfold effortlessly behind the content) but have (much to my amazement) found in that place of balance in between the beginning and the end this time.  This proves to me that I've attached nothing to the outcome.  Funny how what blazed off of my fingers onto those pages thinking would touch someone else, help someone else, or aid someone else in the expansion of their consciousness was the very thing that made me grow MYSELF.  


So my weaker self (which is also ALWAYS the louder voice) wants to convince me that it was all for nothing...it was wasted time and it laughs at me, makes fun of my efforts and reminds me of how much work it is going to take to revamp, revise, and finish with any amount of integrity and solidarity to the knowledge and wisdom I have attained since beginning the task.  Though my higher self whispers with confidence and says:  "Shut up!!  You have NO IDEA what I am made of do you?  My intent has not changed.  That which I wish to bring to light hasn't changed.  The discrepancy only lies within a more evolved attitude--which is a BETTER case scenario...better to learn now than to obliviously press on to awaited failure.


So, knowing that I am a work in progress in some areas, I think it best to just change those things I feel confident in changing now and leave the others until their appointed time.  There is no other time than the right time...and it is not here yet...but it is coming.  This I know for certain. 


Thanks for allowing me to banter on...I love this blog...as it is a consistent paper-trail to my growth process.  Every post is new to the day, the moment.  I don't ever have to worry about revision because it is here right now...always.  New day, new post, new vantage point, new me.  


To my faithful readers...God bless you and thank you for your validation.  It's part-n-parcel of what keeps me motivated.  


Raina