Well, it is a sorta dreary, gray morning here and a little cool for what I would expect for JUNE!! But hey, that just goes to show, shit happens and no matter what we have maybe become accustomed to or expect, the unexpected still exists...however, as I look out my window, I still see green grass, shrubs, and leaves on the trees, pink and white flowers, and the red, white, and blue on the flag pole in my neighbors front lawn, so a cool, gray day in June isn't as bad as a cool, gray day in say....January, where EVERYTHING seems to be black and white!! I'll take it!!
I seem to be changing too...well, not WHO I am, but the things that interest me, the way I spend my time, got my hair cut pretty short yesterday and contemplating getting my very first tattoo...Where I was spending most of my time, energy, and money on my home, I now am ramming everywhere and am barely ever home..I believe I have surrendered to the "next chapter." I was afraid I guess that if I stepped out on my own, I would feel selfish...and to be honest, I had forgotten how to do that...living for yourself, making decisions for yourself, doing things for yourself...all of that becomes a thing of the past the day you bring that beautiful tiny human being home from the hospital. I can actually remember back then thinking what a complete 180 that was to my life...My schedule was not my own, I couldn't chose what time to go to bed, what time to wake up, whether or not I would be afforded a nap, time to catch a bite to eat, some alone time...it was all out of my hands. I remember feeling lost sometimes, scared to death a lot of times, and unsure of my capability to be a good parent and a loving mommy--I was SO TIRED all the time. This little person was dependent upon me for EVERYTHING and I remember thinking for a short time that maybe I wasn't capable because it just seemed SO HARD at first. I had NO idea what I was doing and although I LOVED my little one so very much, I didn't have that "natural maternal instict"...at least I didn't think I did..I was also trying to adjust to "married life" as well...in a quite impossible situation...but I came through with flying colors, and my first little baby led me to have 2 more and by that time, the mom thing had gone from uncertainty and fear to confidence and pure JOY. I had adapted to that chapter after a short period of adjustment. As I write this, my youngest and a girl she had gone to day-care with from age 3 leave for school for the very last time. It is the last day of a senior year of high school for baby #3.
Turn the page....
I think this adjustment will be a bit easier because it is something that I have done before...I was me before I was the me my children have come to know and love as their "mom." Mom is just a facet of who I am...and that part of me will ALWAYS be there...and I have accepted that it is OKAY to retire that full-time identity to a per-diem position. They do not need constant nurture, guidance, and inspiration because now, it seems that this is what they do for me. The completed circle...and now it is time for me to concentrate on adult things...adult love, adult fun, adult LIFE...and be proud of another successful chapter on my adventure to begin and complete yet another...and I think there is someone who has been waiting for me to live our "happily ever after." I love you.
Why always "not yet"? Do flowers in spring say "not yet"? ~Norman Douglas.
"I'm less interested in why we're here. I'm wholly devoted to while we're here." ~Erika Harris.
"To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions." ~William James.
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