"What you do for the least of these, you do unto me."

It is the day after Good Friday and the day prior to Easter Sunday. This is probably the most important day on the Christian calendar. For me, it has probably been the most memorable period of my life. I don't know if it has anything to do with a certain space in time, dates on a calendar, though my propensity is to believe it probably doesn't. I instead believe that there are no accidents and everything that is meant to happen, just happens...right on time, regardless of it's place on any of our "time-keeping mechanisms." I incorporated this song by Jason Mraz, as I have heard it play on Sirius Radio at work quite a bit lately, and every time I hear it, it strikes me, commands my attention, and I quietly sit down (as it always seems to play during a time when there is no one else in the room but me), I listen, and it stirs my heart, speaks my soul, and is a very beautiful tribute to fate and destiny...and our responsibility as a spirit having a human experience to reach out to our brothers and sisters and create unity of purpose with them....PEACE, LOVE, SANCTUARY. Although the video attached to this, in the end shows a couple coming together...I believe it to show just one aspect of this message...but the GLOBAL message is in the stars reflected in the girls eyes. One by one, we reach out to touch a multitude.

I have had so many priceless and wonderful things culminate in my life lately--all of which just sort of hit all at once, but unlike chaos...these "all at once" happenings bring with them understanding and peace. They awaken compassion, kindness, and appreciation to the point of no measure.

The first thing I would like to share with you is how I found myself awakening between 3-4 a.m. very frequently, seemingly in mid-conversation, or with vivid thoughts in my head or poignant words on my tongue. My first thought was "I think I am going crazy", but deeper within, I knew something bigger and more purposeful than that was happening. I also have found that I write in the morning...in the quiet, when I am alone, with no threat of disruption. I find it very hard to go to work, come home, and sit down at my computer to write. It has to be the first thing I do each day, or it doesn't get done. I've always called the morning "my time" and what flows from my hands to the computer screen is effortless, as if it is writing itself, and this is how I know it is not my ego that is driving. I have often said that if I feel I am reaching for something to say or concentrating too much on a point to convey...it is not coming from the proper source, and I will walk away. I KNOW and FEEL the difference. Just recently, I had been exposed to some of the work of a great poet named Rumi. This quote is going to wrap up this first message I share with you today..."The morning breeze has secrets to tell you--do not go back to sleep."~Rumi. You see, I am NOT going crazy. I am tapping into the "creative source", the Creator's energy.

Now yesterday, because of the immensity of self-realization I have experienced lately and the interconnectedness I have been feeling with EVERYTHING, I had thoughts of wanting to do something for the needy in my community--maybe sponsor a meal at the restaurant I work for (which I would pay for) for the people who regularly visit the local soup kitchen. I felt as if I would like to "treat" them to a nice restaurant atmosphere with their families, serve them, and make a special occasion of it for them. It was a thought among many of how I could reach out and give back. At work last night, an older single gentleman came into the restaurant. He appeared a bit disheveled and his personal appearance was unkempt, and I noticed that he had some difficulty with expressing himself. In our brief conversation, it became VERY apparent to me that his greatest concern was the cost of his meal. After I had explained to him the cost of his meal, what was included in the price and what the price would be after tax, he ordered the meal. I then asked him if he would like something to drink. He said "I would love a cup of coffee...but, how much is it?" When I replied with the cost, he then said "Okay, just bring me a glass of water please." I felt such a pull to just BUY this man's meal for him...but I had in my mind that I could very well damage this man's dignity by jumping to the conclusion that he "needed my charity"...so I brought him instead...a hot cup of coffee with his water and said "This is on me..Happy Easter!" As the dining room got busier and I had acquired more tables, I would stop by, top off his coffee and exchange a few words with him. He said "Listen, I just want to let you know that I am going to go outside to have a cigarette BUT I will be right back to finish my meal...well, not RIGHT back, but I will be back" and because I was so busy, I didn't even make the connection to "a patron should not leave the establishment without first paying for his/her meal." and said "Okay." As I approached the waitress station, it hit me (yet another of my OWN conclusions)..."he is going to bolt and not pay for his meal at all." And then I immediately thought...well, if he does, I will pay for it FOR HIM, that's all. No big deal. I had already figured my "services" would be free and that there would be no tip involved and I didn't care about that. I felt led in some way to reach out to him without damaging his dignity...and this actually was the PERFECT scenario...or so I thought. He came back, sat down, finished his meal...just as he said he was going to. I picked up his dishes, cleared the mess from his table, poured him one last cup of fresh coffee and delivered his check to him...minus the charge for the coffee. I thanked him and wished him well. About 15 minutes later, I just happened to be in the dining room as he was approaching the register, so I cashed him out. I told him his total, he grabbed his wallet out of his pocket, opened it up, and inside was a WAD of cash...from which he plucked out a crispy $20 bill. Now his bill was $11.83..I gave him the $.27, 3 ones and a five. He gave me back the 3 ones, got into his wallet and gave me another one and wished me a good night and Happy Easter. SO MANY LESSONS in this encounter...the first of which is the very title of this post.

I could not help but walk away thinking...this was a test...a test of MY INTEGRITY...it HAD to be...and I think by all intent and purpose, I passed that test. Although, I learned some lessons about myself and my foolish nature to "think I know." Things are not always how they appear, but if I approach ANYTHING or ANYONE in unselfish kindness with consideration and respect for their dignity at the same time...it sort of erases the lines that are drawn by my nature to jump to "conclusions." So now, I don't know who or what I was dealing with--though this is the first thought in my mind: "Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing, some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as though you yourselves were suffering."~Hebrews 13:1-3.

My Easter message to you all. And this song...I dedicate to all of humanity. "I won't give up on US...even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you ALL MY LOVE...I'm still looking up."

All my love,
Raina

The Master Plan

Good morning folks!

Lately, music has played a huge part of some pretty profound epiphanic moments for me. I find it almost prophetic how some older songs get cataloged and thrown back in the archives of our minds but then come back to speak real meaning into our lives--sometimes, many years later. Thinking back to this particular song, I remember Bonnie Raitt's bluesy spin on the Motown-ish vibe of the music striking some sort of chord with me...but I really didn't pay too much attention to the words. So it moved my body, but at the time it came out, it really said nothing to my spirit. There is a reason for that--and there is a reason why some part of this song stuck out to me...because later down the road, its nostalgic tone would draw me in to actually listen to the ENTIRE piece. Unbeknownst to me, it would culminate to speak volumes to me as it revisited, and this time, I would throw down the red-carpet welcome. If I am being honest, it choked me up a bit---and I found it to be a bit bittersweet, but so validating. It is also a song of hope and joy...coming at a time in your life when you least expect it.

The circle of life is probably the hardest, but most rewarding trip we will ever pursue. Its peaks and valleys, it's uphill terrain--it's slippery slopes, all of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's...and will be's, can be's and shall be's...all a big circle. We come into this world dependent, gain strength, wisdom, and good health, we age and lines begin to appear and hormone levels begin to drop, we become elderly and again...dependent. Mid-life is probably the most teachable and if we are open, the most learned moment in our lives. It is where the shift takes place...where we begin to travel backwards (or so it seems). But this is all the mystical workings of the grander scheme and a master plan. It is a FORCED--no holds barred, no ifs, ands, or buts...LETTING GO and beginning again for everyone. No matter your financial worth, your relationship and/or marital status, whether you have made it big, or just got by....you WILL go through this period.

If you really think about it (and believe me, I DO), at the time when our children are grown and embarking on a life of their own (if you have them), our lives just suddenly change. Out of the blue, you no longer have that pang of responsibility for another human being's complete life. Your role changes...you become more of a "distanced supporter" than an active participant--almost like a very close friendship. They have their own mind, make their own decisions, and we allow (begrudgingly, at first...but eventually PREFER) them to do so.

Our focus then gets turned inward. Kind of like being a teen-ager again...where we still have a lot of life left in us and a great big world out there to explore. We assign responsibility to only those things we CHOOSE to assign it to and we learn that the only thing we can really be completely responsible for now is ourselves. We stop trying to fix everything, help everyone, and begin to focus on what this precious life has to offer us. When we are young, we are in SUCH a rush to grow up...at midlife--as we look into same eyes of our "babies" now staring back at us through the face of an adult, we are reminded how fast time slips away and we want to just slow it all down...or even make it stop completely---and speaking for myself, this is the only time I can remember in my life where I can actually say I have experienced moments where time has stood still. How awesome are those "still shots" of life where you completely capture the entire essence of "this very moment." Is it that we allow this to happen or could it be that this is just the part of the circle that we now occupy? I think it is both...and I think it is orchestrated. It just feels much bigger than me. It is a very strange transition and initially, a difficult road to navigate, but once we accept it and grow into it, it "goes well with us."

I think that we begin to fear our very own independence, as it has been so long since we have not had to consider someone else's place in our decisions. It is almost that same fear that the 19-year-old has in the back of his/her mind about gaining theirs for the first time...leaving the unyielding protection and guidance of their parents. Only, now, it is at the forefront of ours because we have been there before...and we have traveled down some pretty dark and hellish roads, only we have gained something....something priceless---WISDOM---and it is this wisdom that gets our attention, turns our heads, makes time stand still, and chokes us up, when we hear and old song breathe new life and bring new meaning. Sometimes, you are not in a place where you can fully appreciate something so beautiful...or understand a message so profound....sometimes it is the prophetic nature of certain things that touch us, and time is the author of any prophecy.

I don't think I have ever felt so comfortable in my own wrinkly, aged skin--nor my creaky, snap-crackle-pop bones. Going from being "scared I'll run outta time" to living a life of no regret and finding "love in the nick of time." I'll take it--and RUN with it..well, at least until I can't run anymore!! And even then, I will be glad I did...if I can remember...and if I can't, I'm sure my kids will remind me when they become my caretakers and prepare me for delivery back into the arms of whence I came...

((Hugs)) ;)

Will to listen....

Hi everyone!!

I sit very sleepy-eyed this morning at my computer thinking about how much listening we really do, and how I think age is a big catalyst for changing our perspective of this trait of human existence. I think back to when I was young and I pretty much talked a lot, told people things, told myself and my body things...and vuala it would happen! How much do we really, really just be still and LISTEN--without talking, without thinking, without any already-trumped-up comeback or reply? Sometimes, just the internal conversations are maddening, it seems. We not only argue with others, but we probably sharpen those skills most by arguing with ourselves.

Like I mentioned, I think age has a lot to do with our sharpened sense of hearing. It seems as we age, we become more open to just "being" and more aware of our own voice, the voice of God, and the many ways we are spoken to by the universe. It is not always an audible voice, but visual, textural, colorful, vibrational..but all of these components seem to weave a beautifully harmonic nature and it seems we become more evenly calibrated with all that surrounds us.

If you are somewhat confused by my metaphoric slant upon "listening" to include all that envelopes our other senses, ask yourself this question--when you see something, touch something, hear something, taste something...what do you then SAY to yourself or others? "Wow, that piece of art is breathtaking." "That bite of steak tasted wonderful." "This blanket feels so soft and is so warm." Do we talk just to give others and ourselves the privilege of listening? LOL. Do we ask ourselves questions just to ask? Not so much. Everything we experience elicits some sort of wonder within us, from the tiniest level to sometimes, things most profound.

The best way to listen with all of your senses is first to just take it all in without questioning...instead of just feeling the breeze, listen to it. Instead of bird watching---do some bird listening. When you see something that piques your interest and you begin the inner dialog "wow, isn't that nice (or pretty)"...then ask yourself WHY does it appeal to you and then LISTEN to the answer. When you see something that may surprise you or challenge your reasoning--instead of giving it some sort of quick glance...really mull it over and think about what it could actually MEAN and the possibilities of why it is so--despite your own limited ability to give it an explanation--think about how it may fit into some bigger picture and then LISTEN to these possibilities and see if you can somehow attach some other happening to it...find the tie, the link...the harmony.

So much emphasis is put upon pushing through. What about when your body says "I've had enough for a while, I need to rest" but time is of the essence, the weather is cooperative,and it NEEDS to get done, and you are the only one who will do it....what do we do? I don't know about you, but I KEEP AT IT!! Because I don't LISTEN well. Now, while my body is telling me that it needs a rest from the more physically demanding work outdoors (ya know, cuz the planets are all aligned for me to get it done, lol) but I've spent SO much time outdoors that the inside of my home is in need of attention...and the work there is a LOT less demanding, more flexible, and less taxing upon my physical body...but yet, I cannot WASTE this nice weather--I am NOT listening, there is no tie, there is no harmony between what is being said and what is being done. So, I lay in bed, joints aching, back aching, neck aching...can't get comfortable or rest adequately for my "life-sustaining job" and I wake in the morning and come home to after work, a mess inside my home and an aching, sore body that keeps PUSHING through.

Taking a break from the now physically defeating outside work and spending my time inside tinkering around with routine household chores and cleaning provides the tie to the bigger picture...clean outside, clean inside. Feeling of well-being outside, feeling of well-being inside. Healing my overworked body by doing easier, lighter work---but still staying active and accomplishing something...HARMONY...the bigger picture...and shit...who knew that all I really had to do was LISTEN!!

Not listening is self-defeating and self-depleting. We need to let go of tunnel vision...no matter how much we try to convince ourselves that the moment is perfect for such a time...when there is some part of you that is urging you to STOP...just do it, don't argue back.

Sit back, take a deep breath, look, listen, clear your mind and let the voice that knows better be heard...sometimes, your will needs a break too!!

"Trees are the earth's endless effort to speak to the listening heaven."~Rabindranath Tagore.

"Just remaining quietly in the presence of God, listening to Him, being attentive to Him, requires a lot of courage and know-how."~Thomas Merton.

"No, it's not a very good story - its author was too busy listening to other voices to listen as closely as he should have to the one coming from inside."~Stephen King.

"The subconscious is ceaselessly murmuring, and it is by listening to these murmurs that one hears the truth."~Gaston Bachelard

"If you make listening and observation your occupation you will gain much more than you can by talk."~Robert Baden-Powell.

Take life in...when you feel compelled to TALK OVER the whispers...try yielding to them instead.

Blessings to all!!

Take The Long Way Home......

Good morning everyone!!

I would be sadly amiss if I did not comment about this incredible weather we have been having this March. We have been near 80 and have consistently been in the mid- to high-60s for an entire week now. Not much rain..matter of fact, this just started late yesterday into this morning. It is quite foggy out there this morning, but warm and it smells wonderful out there! I've had so much work to do around here outside and have wasted no time in gittin' er done every opportunity I have gotten. I'm a bit sore, but if truth be told, I love it. As you know (or as I have shared), I had two huge sugar maple trees cut down by the power company and all winter long, these massive pieces of trunk have laid upon my front lawn and the sawdust in my yard, in places, is 6-8 inches thick--and as I continue to dig down into it, it is wet, heavy, and like glue...and smells of mold--yuck! My entire front yard was a barrage of small, medium, and large wood chips, sawdust and finally...all that wood! I paid a young man to come and split all of these huge trunk pieces and now, I have (at least) condensed the wood into 3 neatly-placed pyramids of split wood. However, the clean-up around them seems endless. I keep thinking...once I get those piles moved to their prospective storage place, what kind of mess will be lurking underneath them all?! But that's okay, I don't mind working at all...and this kind of work yields an almost immediate result and reward---which pushes me to keep going every opportunity I get. It is looking like I am going to have to plant new grass, as my lawn has taken quite a beating...and I may even have to have some topsoil trucked in to fill a few places, but that's okay too.

So, as the weather progresses rather nicely and I've spent most of my time outdoors, I decided to marinate some chicken and throw it out on the grill for our first official "cook-out." When I went out to my grill to clean it up for our initial grilling session, I noticed that it was not usable...rusted, and one of the burners had a large crack in it and the flame-dispersing piece that fits over the burners was completely dust. I cannot have that!! Oh no, we are an outdoors dwelling family during the summer months...and I have to have a functioning grill...so the shopping begins..and this time, I will get a cover for it!! Live and learn all over the place. If you want something to last, you have to take care of it. If you want something done, you have to do it. If you want to improve any situation, you have to take part in the resolution. If you want to reap benefit from anything....you have to put the work into it.

It's funny the places you find yourself hiding sometimes, isn't it? I've found myself hiding behind the "wait" and beneath the reaction. I've found myself clearly living in denial of reality, while my idealism attempted to engineer the train to clarity. I found myself immobile as I waited for decisions to be made FOR me, even though deep down inside I knew it wasn't going to be the "right one" for me. I had become tired, afraid, and guarded. I didn't trust my own judgement anymore, so I passed off any and all opportunity for change by retreating and pulling back to what I considered "safety." But, it was not safety at all..it was a trap, a prison, a sentence, for a crime I hadn't even committed. I was burying myself, disadvantaging myself, holding myself back. Even worse, is when I subconsciously began to believe that "this is all there is" and I began to take on that looming "victim mentality" --even though the me underneath it all was fighting against it. I knew better, but I didn't DO better.

All of this vision I had before I began all of this yard work and the veracity in which I have taken it all on and the consistency in my action in direct conjunction to my motivation has proven to unearth myself. The feeling of taking ONLY the responsibility that I, alone, choose to take, and putting my efforts into only those things that yield a positive, forward-moving result and seeing and more importantly BELIEVING in myself, my judgement, my vision, and gleaming within the end-result of it has turned my attitude completely around. I am back! I am whole, I am content, and I am finally enjoying my time alone. I am no longer afraid, tired, and /or guarded. I am strong, full of energy, and open...to all things...AGAIN...FINALLY! There is no loneliness..it is nothing but a smoke screen. Peace does not mean boredom. I find that keeping my body moving WITH my mind and allowing TRUTH to drive this train, I am at peace with myself.

I have realized that I had gotten way too impressionable, way too hopeful, and that I had leaned upon the "what could and should be(s)" of life to the point of totally ignoring "what really is" and "what isn't meant to be(s)." The key to overcoming for me, I think was really forgiving MYSELF for allowing myself to fight myself for so long out of nothing but mistrust of my very own judgement. I somehow convinced myself that I was NOT in charge of my life, my emotions, my decisions, my peace, my happiness, nor any fulfillment in my life.

I can joyfully say for CERTAIN that this is not a phase, nor is it me trying to convince myself of all that I have said...because in previous posts, I had done that. I was caught in a never-ending cycle of highs and lows. This is not to say that I didn't believe IN what I was thinking, saying, and sharing...but I wasn't in true BELIEF OF IT. There was a part of me that was always "longing", always hoping that things would be contrary...a part of me tugging me in a different direction. I am happy to say this day that there is none of that anymore. I believe the truth, not my distorted vision of completeness. I am no longer pulled apart anymore between what is and what should have been. I am whole in the truth...and yes...the TRUTH does set you free.

I am almost proud of myself in a way by taking the LONG way home. It had given me the time I needed to get my attitude in line with my decisions. Anyone can make a decision to do or not do something, and it could be for a variety of reasons, but if your attitude and will lag behind, there will always be those moments of "revisiting" and "going back" and wondering what could have been had you not sought out every opportunity to seek and find the real truth. My journey wore me down---as all of the most important one's I have taken have. The way I have handled this season of my life was really not unlike any difficult season I had gone through previously and the lessons I have learned were DRIVEN so far down into my being that they all have forever changed me (or redirected me). These all have been times in my life where I had gotten off-track no matter how much I wanted to believe it was the right way. Today, I thank God that He doesn't ever give up on us. As long as we are willing to learn, no matter how long it takes and no matter how much pain we allow ourselves to endure in the process, there are always little hints of his hand in our lives, subtle, yet sometimes agonizing discipline that follows a set consistency, over and over again...until we finally surrender and GET IT!

I will never forget the words I awoke with in my mind one early morning a while back while struggling through this process. They were..."You need not trust anyone but ME." And today, I can truly say..."I DO!"

Have a great day everyone, and thank you for allowing me to vent. It is my hope that anyone struggling with your identity due to circumstance in your life can relate to something I have shared here about mine. Be blessed, be focused, and most importantly, be YOU. There is no other like you & there is a reason for that.

Best wishes!

The proactive vs. the reactive life.

Good morning everyone!

I woke up this morning to a rather "gloomish" day out there, but what a surprise when I stepped out on my porch for the first time this morning to discover it was almost as warm out there as it was in the house!! I so love the sounds of spring, and every spring brings with it this sense of anticipated wonder, as if it were the first one I have ever experienced. I notice that the black and white backdrop of winter with all of it's silence is now bursting with sights and sounds of life...the wind blows now with purpose...to spread seed and pollen around into a myriad of eventual color and texture. The birds sing relentlessly calling out to their eventual mates and as they do their housekeeping in preparation for their young. Every element begins to take it's place in nurturing growth and promoting life. Even the air smells of new beginnings. The sounds of the snowplows are replaced by the street sweepers...everyone is just busy "preparing" for the life to come. How I love being outdoors and mingling with those things that have been here way longer than I. How I love learning from them. How I love seeing that we are all alike, ya know. I am part of all things....and they...a part of me. There is good to be seen and experienced in any season, really, but there is just something so spectacular and welcoming to life buzzing about all around you. It is comforting, I think, and reminds us that we are part of that life, that living, that rebirth, that building and growth. It reminds us that we are innately proactive creation--while winter primarily renders us act according to condition.

There is a new-born sense of freedom that spring ushers into our lives year after year. It is a time of planning, dreaming, and doing. It seems that the forces of nature work in close conjunction with our hearts, our minds, and our hands to benefit and long-lasting result, where winter can steal away our efforts in one harsh wind or one huge snowfall, and then, we are stuck repeating the same thing over and over again to no real benefit and a very short lived result...Example: Shoveling your sidewalk, washing the salt off of your vehicle. We begin in the winter to realize we are really not in control. We are, in part, being forced to be reactive, forced to wait, forced to succumb, and we find that for the most-part, we are controlled by this season. The days are shorter, we live in darkness, nature seems angry, uncooperative, and rebellious & she not only seeks to render you reactive to her whims, but at times, demands that we do.

But what about those who snowboard, ski, ice-fish, snow-mobile, carve ice sculptures, build snow architecture? Do they feel the relentless sway of winter's demands to comply or do they see the life in the "dead season?" Or what about those parents with young children, building snowmen and snow-forts? What about the mother who takes the opportunity to warm up the homestead by baking a treat? We have choices. But the signs of the seasons are there to tell us that there will be times when you can easily go-with-the-flow of nature and circumstance, and times, we may have to be a little more creative. There are times when everything seems to follow a natural path, and those times when we have to first envision one when it seems that all odds are against us. And there is a huge difference between response and reaction. Reaction is more the result of a circumstance, where a response is almost a cohesive and preventive method used in proactivity.

The ones who find something pleasurable to do in winter are responding. The ones who watch the weather and base what their day will bring because of it are reacting. Response is a result of knowing yourself and being yourself and is born of the spirit--the deep. Reaction is a result of habit, pattern, and is born of the mind--the superficial. One has the safe-code already figured out, the other is aimlessly pushing random buttons to figure it out, and even if they crack the code, they aren't really paying attention to what code indeed opened that safe--cuz, they are just pushing buttons, any buttons, any combination...to get the job done. But to what benefit...if they close that door, they AGAIN will not remember how to open it.

A proactive attitude is one of excellence, motivation, determination, risk-taking, striving for success. A reactive attitude is mediocre, getting-by, needing acceptance, and playing the role. One makes you feel good about yourself, allows you to trust in yourself, and builds a trusting and credible relationship with others..the other makes others feel good about you but leaves trust in yourself in the dust--and eventually the trust of others there too. One assists in directing your life, the other has no set direction. One is of courage, strength, and possibility...the other is of cowardice, escape, and avoidance. One is prepared, the other is waiting for the axe to drop. One has ground to stand upon, the other blows with the wind. One has ideas, the other plays off of other's ideas. And finally, one is solid and genuine, and the other is movable and an inconsistent.

There are those of us who have based our survival on seeing the forest for the trees, reading between the lines before we make a choice, and there are others who wait for instruction before they choose. One sees the cohesive nature of all things...and the other lives by a random happenstance theory where nothing is connected, no decision directly effects another, all things are separate--and therefore, meaningless.

We all have proactive and reactive propensities...and they both have a very real and important purpose to serve. However, the result of someone's success in this life will always be their choice. It is the difference between standing out and blending in. Which is more important to you? Is this life something to just "get through" or something to experience?

Our reputation, our integrity, and our destiny all hinge on the difference between these two attitudes. What will be YOUR self-fulfilled prophecy? Will it be one to embrace and be proud of...or will you blame the snow for falling upon your freshly shoveled walk and live and die with the thoughts of "all of that work for nuthin!"

It is everyone's individual choice.

Happy Spring to you all and my hope is that you will embrace the possibilities, take the risks, set your own goals, and conceive, believe, and achieve despite the circumstance, despite what others may think, say, or believe of you. At the end of the day, it is you that you have to face. If you can say and FEEL "I wouldn't have done it any other way"..."I gave it all I had"...it doesn't matter what other people say or think of you...you can only be the best you that you can be. There is no failure in putting your entire self into something when your eye is on the possibility for success. If it doesn't happen for you when you try your best, it just wasn't meant to be.

Much faith and hope I send to you all this beautiful day.
Raina

"The Battle of Evermore"...challenge for the sake of it...

What a beautiful morning!! It is so nice to wake up to birds singing, the sun shining, and warmer temperatures!! Spring is on its way...the time of rebirth and filling the void of sullen silences with the sights, sounds, and textures of LIFE!! How I love spring and the energy it brings with it!! A time where the 4-walls of home extend into nature--OUTSIDE!!

With the time of rebirth just around the corner, I've had time to ponder some thoughts about change. I've taken quite a bit of time off from writing of any kind (here and my book) because sometimes, the quiet and seemingly nonproductive time spent in between becomes the very catalyst for what you put your hand to write. It is that gathering thing again. There are times in the life of a writer when they find themselves "reaching" for something to say, and this is just not the natural way of things. If you feel that somewhere deep inside you were "commissioned" to write or paint or compose music and it isn't free-flowing, then something is telling you to stop talking for a while and just LISTEN. Your gift is never about "thinking"...it is about knowing. In everything, there is a season.

I'd like to talk a bit about challenge. Challenge is something that anyone with any creative vision at all will invariably come against. I would even venture to say, it is something that anyone of creative capacity craves, seeks, and runs head first into without much hesitation or reservation. However, I have learned that challenge comes in many different forms. Some are of immense value, and others are totally meaningless. Any challenge worth facing, going up against, and rising above are those that lend themselves to personal growth--the challenging of self. The detrimental challenges and those that yield nothing are those of superiority and power over others.

Even though there may be some element of challenging yourself and your resourcefulness, your creative capabilities, and polishing maybe some of your intuitive skill in the latter mentioned "detrimental" type of challenge, there is really no result because what you are essentially doing is coming against another in a struggle for power, a struggle to change a perspective (which is for each of us to do on our own). It essentially becomes a game of pure defense, where no one scores, no one wins, and it is just back and forth, back and forth. It wastes time, energy, and throws you completely off the track of your destiny. It becomes a distraction from those challenges that promote growth, harmony, and a positive, tangible result that leads to inner peace.

I've learned that I, myself have become addicted to challenge and problem solving. I do it WELL, it is probably the thing I do best. I am not one to leave loose ends. I am not an up-in-the-air kind of person. I am a seeker, I am a planner, I am a builder, and I am the security guard over all of it. If there is something in my life that I feel is left undone, unresolved, unkempt, or unfinished...I cannot sleep at night. I cannot function--but if one challenge after the other is coming at me faster than I can think or move, and my propensity is to jump "all in" and take it on full-force, it then distracts me from finishing anything...and it is an endless circle of unfinished business. These are empty challenges that benefit nothing or no one. The world is FULL of these types of challenges--"It's all been done."

Sadly, there are people whose lives are based upon nothing more than the thrill of the challenge for power. I can relate to that adrenaline high that you get when you run straight into something that you have no idea how you are going to get through and your creative processes kick in all at once and flood you with that sense of well-being--that "I GOT THIS" mentality. Now, you are in it to WIN it. Win what?? Take it from me...there is no winning. When it is one will against another for dominion, the battle is never-ending. I have also seen that the biggest distraction this type of life offers is the distraction FROM one's self. It disables you from looking at yourself...it is a place of escape through the chaos.

I have also learned that there are things that you work WITH and things that you leave alone. There is no conquering anything but ourselves and our propensities for self-sabotage. Challenge for the sake of it leads nowhere. After a time, it tends to confuse you into believing that peace is boredom...you begin to need that adrenaline fix, that sense of power you get when you incessantly face what seems like an impossible situation and call out all your creative capacity to solve...but soon find that there is no resolution, just another incapacitating problem in its place to keep you busy, keep you in denial, keep you trapped.

I disengage, drop my weapons, retreat, & surrender. I am still. I am listening. I am seeing, hearing, and feeling by subtle intention. I need not win anything...I need; however, to feel complete and full.

Good day everyone...embrace it entirely!!

Love,
Raina

"Surprise!!"

Hi folks!!

Well, today is the 47th anniversary of my emergence into this world....wow!! I can't help but reflect. It seems when I was growing up and probably up til about the age of 40, there was something that each year brought me closer to obtaining, my permit, my license to drive, legal drinking age, advancing my education, getting married, having children, raising children, owning my own home, and the coming to fruition of those things that made another year celebratory. However, I can honestly say that beyond that point, I guess I really didn't have any goals set other than enjoying all that I had achieved, getting my kids raised and out on their own, watching their lives flourish and grow, and then merely tending to what I had worked for to that point.

This year; however, I have realized that I view my birthdays more as a memorial service than a celebration. This is not to say that I don't appreciate life nor that I don't feel blessed every day to awaken to a new day, but it is more a lamenting over past mistakes, regrets, and trying to piece together some semblance of understanding of how the past few years have ushered me into today. I have worked for and achieved all of those goals, but now I sit and think about all it has cost me, how time seems to invariably fall between the gaps in my fingers like sand, and I am stuck wondering "what shoulda/woulda/coulda been---if only....."

I've resigned myself to the notion that I never really thought of myself a whole lot year to year and placed my energies into guiding, building, shaping, what I was DOING and I do know that the only plan I had for my life after my children were grown and self-sufficient was working for nothing more than enjoying and appreciating what I already had. I wished for nothing more so I never had a "plan B" for a possibility that deviated from that master plan.

I think of how many times I have been unwittingly thrust into re-evaluation and re-calculation, and yet I sit here today as if those times are all but forgotten, feeling lost to correct and transcend the ones I struggle with now. However, none of the set-backs of the past were ever as all-encompassing as the ones I stand in today and I cannot help but wonder why.

I do believe I am somewhat fearful (which is what I speak against most times) that "drastic times call for drastic measures"..and in this, I mean, going places where all comfort and familiarity is left behind, no compass in which to begin my journey, but just pure reliance on reading the signs along the way. Maybe this point of my life wasn't MEANT to be planned by me. Maybe it is time for me to BE guided, built, and shaped into the plan that was designed FOR me. Maybe the only thing I have to do is something...anything...jump...go...and trust that my "why" will be answered as I go. It is becoming apparent that there is nothing keeping me here but me and my stubborn will to stay.

I have had to let go of so many things in my life, say goodbye, and change my direction. I guess I always hoped that with age...I could rest in the belief that just ONE decision I had made would stand up to time and be with me forever. I am fast learning that sometimes, you have to lose everything and start all over again with nothing but the will to live and that most things in this life are fleeting until you are in the exact right place at the exact right time according to something bigger than yourself. When you are hanging by that one last thread, that one last lifeline, and your life begins to depend upon anyone and/or everyone else's decisions and it becomes clear that those decisions do not fall in favor with what you HOPE would be, it is time to become a teenager all over again and remap the life that you DIDN'T live, reconsider the decisions that you DIDN'T make, and explore possibilities on the other side because THIS IS your decision and the only option left.

So on my 47th birthday, I drum up the courage to step outside of my circumstance in the same drastic manner in which I arrived here and take charge of it. I have done my job, and I am very proud of the "all-in" mentality and do-or-die attitude that not only drove me to finish what I began, but to excel beyond my own perceived capabilities. It will probably be the hardest thing I have ever done because everyone fears the unknown and uncertain...but at least there will be some sort of movement...and sometimes, movement has to come before direction because direction alone is not a guarantee of movement. So I guess what I am saying here is ...."the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

We are not even guaranteed a next minute, next hour, or a tomorrow to work our ideas and plans into tangibility. We are only guaranteed that wherever we arrive is where we are and if we refuse to go anywhere, then there is no one to blame but ourselves.

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure , the process is its own reward.”~ Amelia Earhart

“All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last.”~ Marcel Proust

“Don't you ever wonder maybe if you took a left turn instead of a right you could be someone different?”~Unknown.

"A multitude of causes unknown to former times are now acting with a combined force to blunt the discriminating powers of the mind, and unfitting it for all voluntary exertion to reduce it to a state of almost savage torpor.~William Wordsworth.

Have a good day everyone!