It's been a few days since my last post, but I am one who will not come here and do this thang if it doesn't feel natural...if it is not already pouring out of me before I hit this stool. No point in small talk..this is not the venue for that. I rather prefer to keep this space sacred (for the lack of a better term), and unblemished by crap that just doesn't matter. As a matter of fact, I began this post this morning, and I had to just walk away from it and leave it be for a while because I know the point I set out to make, though I couldn't relay it without going round in circles. And, let's face it, nobody has time for that....you or I. What usually flows so effortlessly seems to be damming up on me and I can only believe that maybe the time is not yet right, or my understanding of it has not yet come full-circle.
One thing I can share right now (because I DO have this figured out!)...is that EVERYTHING I do, touch, embrace, or reach for at this time in my life is not designed to just "get me through today, this week, or this month"...but rather...it HAS to be in line with who I am, what I believe in, and ultimately, my destiny....and if it is NOT...I'm JUST not having it. It is useless to me. If something just doesn't feel right about it...it ENDS NOW...not tomorrow, not after I think about it a while, not next week. If it doesn't feel right now, I have LEARNED that it never will...and there is no excuse-making for me, the situation, or anyone else..if it is wrong for me, it is just wrong, PERIOD.
I have also figured out that forgiveness comes before peace and is a pre-requisite for it...however, trust is a different animal altogether, once gone, it cannot ever be retrieved back to the height from which it has fallen...EVER. Best to move on, let it go..and rebuild elsewhere than to live in regret and resentment. I am the only one who can control the situation I find myself in and have learned not to expect or rely on some circumstance or someone else to change it or themselves for me.
I'm all I got, and ya know what...I am gonna take care of me cuz I am a precious commodity. I don't have to discomfort myself to comfort someone else, I don't have to take away from me to give to someone else, and I certainly don't have to TRY to trust a situation or someone if the situation or person has proven that it/he/she is not worthy of it. Trying to trust when I KNOW I cannot only makes me lose confidence in my ability to trust MYSELF...and THAT is detrimental to ANY movement (well except for backward, of course). It becomes an endless cycle of revisiting painful places over and over again.
You have a gut for a reason...the feelings you get there SPEAK the truth...you have reasoning skills for a reason...the messages you receive there are concrete..but only IF you are acquainted with the difference between RIGHT and WRONG...TRUTH and LIES. DO NOT choose comfort or perceived need over your dignity and WELLBEING...It will never be worth it.
Well, I guess that's it for today...not all that earthshaking...I know. But I started this post this morning, and I cannot leave anything undone and sleep well at night, nor would I just delete it because I KNEW that I had begun it and out of my sight isn't out of my mind.
"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~e.e. cummings, 1955.
"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~Ralph Ellison
"The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike, and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune." ~Boris Pasternak
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." ~Harvey Fierstein
Best wishes for a restful sleep and a mind and heart of peace.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Raina
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