Good morning everyone!
Well, my mind sure was BUSY last night while I slept. Some very strange dreams, the players of which were people I had thought about or communicated with yesterday...the settings and situations though..whoa..I don't know what to make of any of it..I don't think my mind stayed with one scenario to completion at all...it seemed that it just bounced from one to another aimlessly...although as I sit and think about the feelings each one of these "very random" scenarios elicted in me in the dreamstate, I can sort of narrow the nonsense to a tangible and maybe even applicable scenario to real life, I guess. Though at the point I sit to type, I have still only had 1/2-cup of coffee, and although I have been mulling this over in my mind since I opened my eyes this morning, I still haven't made perfect sense of any of it...but I have dissected it a bit relying on the feelings I had in each of these scenarios and a personal struggle of sorts I have been dealing with.
First of all, I noticed something VERY disturbing about myself last nite as I sat and tried to figure out the actions of another...funny how that happens...but there are times when how someone behaves around you is directly related to things you say to them, how you treat them, and in those, the message you are sending. Although it is not healthy to restrict yourself either vocally or in a manner of your behavior based on how another treats you...I can see very good reasons why this would happen. And speaking from the perspective that I am....as the offender, I can say that it was and has been unrecognized by me, a nasty little habit maybe, and engrained thought process of protection and being guarded and maybe even a little paranoid. I can tell you WHY I do this...pain/fear/uncertainty. It seems that this person's behavior may be mirroring from mine. Funny how I sit here and say to myself "what the hell is going on here, why does this person DO this, what is the REASON", I now am asking myself the same question.
To clarify this obvious rambling of a chaotic state...and break it down so to speak a bit (becuz I know ya'll are probably just thinking...POINT??). I will get a little personal here becuz exposing myself is really of no consequence to me. The personal struggle of which I refer has to do with someone who has been a very large part of my life for a very long time...this person has hurt me in ways I never thought imaginable, but there is a LOVE, compassion, and mindset of acceptance that I carry with me all of the time...and it isn't limited to people who are "nice" to me and "good" to me all of the time. Is it a good thing to consistently "accept" this kind of thing from certain people in your life? Probably not...but IT IS essential to always LOVE and have compassion for them. None of us can BE the mind of another, BE the heart of another, BE the actions of another. Just as I have reasons why I am who I am, others have those reasons as well...and it is only my place to UNDERSTAND. My struggle comes into play as to how close or how distant should this particular love, compassion, and acceptance be exercised in order for it to be healthy for both involved. As I had mentioned earlier...the way I TREAT this person, the things that come out of my mouth, I am only responsible for THAT. That is the only thing I can control. Trying to figure out why another does the things they do is a waste of time. Maybe adjusting the way I relate to this person alone may go a long way in solving this problem. As I had mentioned, this person hurt me deeply...becuz I have compassion for him and love him, my "MISSION" has become to HELP him figure out WHY he does the things he does. See, I make it a dedicated work to always look inside of myself and have become accustomed to asking myself the difficult questions becuz I want to be the BEST ME I can be...and in that, I want to be the best ME to others that I can be..but I notice that I seem to be taking the place of HIM in this process. I am asking him the difficult questions, telling him the things he maybe should be saying to himself..because I have no problem with telling myself the cold, hard truth about myself...it is the vehicle for CHANGE and clipping off the branches of myself that no longer work for me in my purpose of keeping with WHO I am. I find every conversation I have with this person that I seem to be redirecting him...inward. It is not my intent to INSULT, but I am coming off like a know-it-all, and nothing he says seems to be GOOD enough for me...a lot of it I don't believe..and THIS is what elicits this in me I think...I want so bad to believe but I see no signs of this in "casual chatter."
So, after this long-winded blabber about shit you probably don't care about whatsoever, I have come to the conclusion that no matter what this person does or says, it never seems to be "good enough" becuz I am stuck in not UNDERSTANDING any of it. The confusion that this person has caused and continues to create in my life has made me overly critical of everything he does and says and it's not my job to look inside of him anymore, it is his own. One may say that "he brought it on himself by the things he has done" but it is my own responsibility to either LET IT IN or just LET IT GO.
So a sincere heart-felt apology I send to this person (you know who you are) for my incessant redirection and need to understand...for making you feel as if any random thought you have is unapplicable and unimportant. I have been trying to do the work for you or at the very least, have been trying to guide you to do it for yourself..but whether or not I see evidence that this work is being done at all is really of no consequence to me anymore. My motivation: Love, concern, confusion, uncertainty, discomfort, a sense of urgency, tying up loose ends.
Now back to the central theme of the dreams:
Confusion/unfinished business--depicted by about 4 dreams with totally different scenarios that never concluded, but blended one into another.
A misinterpretation of time--Looking at the clock and realizing I had not set them for daylight savings.
Stranding myself/confusion--Leaving my car at the last place I was thinking I had left it at the place I was prior.
Reliance--trying to find someone to take me back to my car.
Sense of urgency--having a random stranger "catapult" me back to my left-behind car via some gadget that got me to a destination about an hour away in 5 minutes.
And lastly, for some reason, at the conclusion of my sleep, when I awoke this morning, I had thoughts of Noah and the Arc (not the first time) and I am not "religious" in any form, but it prompted me to look into it a little deeper to see how it may have related to my circumstance or the message the dreams were trying to send. Things that stuck out to me:
1. Purpose. 2. Instruction. 3. Compliance. 4. Time-line. 5. Shelter/protection. 6. Seperation. 7. Abandonment/destruction. 8. Patience. 9. FAITH. 10. A promise of a better life.
So maybe not as confusing, random, and senseless as it may have appeared :) ANYTHING THAT REACHES YOU, TEACHES YOU!!
Hope I didn't bore you...Much LOVE...PEACE!!
No comments:
Post a Comment