Greetings to all of whom stop by today!!!
It is another BEA-U-TI-FUL day here and I hope the sun is shining bright where you are!! I hear that the temps are gonna be edging up to 80 today!! Hallelujah!! We are 5/5 here on weather that is FINALLY complying with the season...
I had already begun to type my blog entry this morning, but I was really at a loss--and usually as I sit down, I just start rambling (you know how I do), and a point usually just works its way into the mix...however, this morning, I had NUTHIN! I had a bit of sleep deprivation last nite...oh I got there okay...but around 3 a.m., I was wide awake and the tossing and turning from there commenced...I HATE when that happens..tho, I have been pretty fortunate the past couple of months and can say that this is the first time in a while that this has happened. Anyhow, I digress a bit...but yeah, I typed a bunch of crap and nothing was coming of it..AND THEN...something happened with one of my daughters that completely upset me and hence, my facebook status this morning..."well, ain't that just a sobering slap in the face!!" I deleted my previous post, went to my desk to suck up my daily dose of my 8 hours of HELL (not too pleased with the work I do, nor the supposed sustenance it "only in theory" provides), to find that there were "no jobs available." Now that is a seperate hour-long post in itself, but today, I will look upon this as a blessing to be able to use THAT time to be able to do what I LOVE and I feel really makes some sort of contribution (small as it may seem).
What happened between my daughter and I this morning will be the content of this post, as AGAIN, there are some HARD truths in it for both of us--The content sort-of even relates back to a previous post entitled "Im taking myself back" but really, there is a common thread between them all I guess.
When I began this blog, I did it because I have always had a PASSION for writing and expressing myself through this medium. I have often thought about writing a book..and have had friends who have read my writing even tell me that I should. Funny, the BEST compliment I had EVER received in my ENTIRE LIFE was that from my English professor, for whom I hold an infinate amount of esteem...she said "Funny, when I read your writing, I can actually hear your voice." WOW!! Now...maybe some of you would say...DUH?! But that said to me that through this medium, I would be and could be heard, understood, and maybe even a little appreciated and it also meant to me that the words I put down on paper really didn't vary greatly from the words that customarily come out of my mouth in casual conversation. It said to me that writing was probably an embodiment of WHO I was...it was genuine to me. Now being that I am approaching that empty-nest time in my life that I mentioned in the prior post referenced above, I decided that it was time to get myself out there, and begin to exercise this "life for me" thingy a bit. I have to tell you that THIS blog has proven to brighten my days, affords me an outlet, and creates a niche for MYSELF that has strengthened me and gives me assurance that I have SOME value outside of "who I am to or what I can do for others." The message that I try to send in my writing has always been and will always be one of BUILDING, STRIVING, SEARCHING, FINDING, RESTORATION, RESILIENCE and QUESTIONING, CONQUERING, and EMERGENCE...because these are things that WE ALL have in common...the things that tie us together in this life, the things that make us ALIKE.
With all of that being said, I realized today that quite frankly, my kids are SPOILED--GNUHGGGG..scuse me while I swallow this LARGE "jagged" PILL. The dynamic of what went on here in my kitchen this morning proved that to me...I am not saying by any stretch that my kids are "bad" in any way whatsoever...they are VERY good people...but their vision is a bit too self-involved, if ya know what I mean..and at their ages and with what living examples they have been exposed to, I guess I would expect a little more BEING the example of the example...can you dig it? I know that my son (24) exhibits some of these "embodiment of the example" traits, as when he comes for visits, we have some pretty great conversations, of which I feel like a HUMAN being more and a mommy less...and isn't that the way things are supposed to evolve...this is certainly the way I had planned them to evolve. See, my kids are really not used to mom being identified as anything other than MOM..what I am to THEM, what I do FOR THEM. In other words, to them, I am not supposed to have anything of interest or taking up my time but THEM. No attention should be paid to anything other than if it is to benefit them in some way...and I suppose this is partly my fault. This is the way it has always been...THEY always came before ME, my support was theirs, my understanding was theirs, my time was theirs, my money was theirs, my pretty much EVERYTHING was theirs. My joy was derived from the pride they had in themselves when they accomplished something and how they were growing from each new experience that life offered and they were driven enough to seek and excel in-- how every one of these experiences added to their life resume a host of wonderful character traits such as drive, honoring commmittments, work ethic, self-respect, personal responsibility, and that EVERYTHING they did was for themselves, not for ME or anyone else for that matter...they do it because of the reward THEY find in it.
WOW, this is working into a rather "WINDY" post...I am so sorry..trying to condense.. Anyway, my daughter did something this morning; and this act, the words that she used, and the intent behind what she did was probably the most hurtful thing I had ever had done to me..and out of NOTHING but selfishness. This made me sit back and think...WOW, these kids are seriously not seeing BEYOND anything I have done, who I am, or ANYTHING besides how my existance benefits them...THIS IS NOT supposed to be the outcome here. Needless to say, it immediately reduced me to tears. It is a very sobering time when you realize that the most meaningful parts of yourself that you extend to them with not even a thought--the very traits that make you the "person" that they have come to depend upon for EVERYTHING..from their most basic needs (material), as well as being their biggest fan, their most trusted coach, their doctor, their sounding board, their supporter, and the one who offered guidance just long enough for them to BECOME ALL THEY COULD BE on their own..and who feels almost discomforted by taking any credit for whom they have done the work to become...THEMSELVES...the one who has always been more than content to just watch them shine and go on with my days knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about them once they spread their wings out there all on their own...only to be looked upon as nothing but the MERE TITLE of it all. Perhaps, breaking down everything I did for them into reasons...such as I work my ass off so that I can provide you with a HOME..a place you will always be welcomed that will contain within it..memories, laughter, and comfort. I attend your events because I am proud of you and the memories that I hold so dear to my heart will be the only thing I have of THIS moment in time when you shined so bright, I wear sweats and tee shirts so that you can look the best you can in your brand-name clothing, I lose sleep when you are sick because I care about your well-being more than sleep, I am democratic in the way I run my household because that I happen to believe that no matter your age, your feelings and input are important and I have respect for you, I am available and open to you to discuss things that are important to you (and perhaps very personal) because I want you to know that there is NOTHING you cannot talk with me about, I discipline you because there are dangers out there that you may not outrightly see right now, but I have LIVED and learned the hard way from and want to spare you from needless pain or harm. I put the best parts of ME in YOU...I am a human being first...I am who I am first...and it is WHO I AM that you call MOM. PLEASE do not reduce me to a name that you call me everyday...but look at the attributes that make me what is most important to you...that's all I ask.
And I write this blog because it is a promise I made to myself, and honoring such is very important to me, and if you would take a minute to stop by and read it, you may see that those things I extend to you are really not limited to YOU..this blog is made up of the very things my "role" to you is made, only YOU will not be home forever, and then what happens to the best work I have ever done? I am ME...in ALL THAT I DO...and I can see that my example has brushed off on you...look in the mirror my darling babies...I am very proud to acknowledge that the best of ME shines in YOU...are you??? Maybe you just need a little more time to see it in yourselves...before you can see it in me...I LOVE YOU PHILIP, MALLORY, and MICHAELA...
"Good, honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home. If the proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted." ~George A. Dorsey
"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings." ~Hodding Carter, Jr.
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