I am back...but I can't promise you sunshine and roses...but life just isn't always like that, now is it?? Most of my posts have been about transcendence and using hindsight to make better decisions for my future...it is all about learning kids...all about learning. I figured why shouldn't I post about where I am now...why shouldn't you all see the process from beginning to end to better understand my thoughts. For a few days, I needed time..time away, time to myself to take all of my very volatile and mixed emotions that were everywhere and gather them together so I could actually form a sentence.
I have struggled with letting go of a dream...a dream that encompassed my life until the day I breathed no more. It was a great love, plans for a future that went beyond my role as a mother..they were the plans I had for being a "woman" in the second half of her life, sharing her last years with the "man" she loved, living out the rest of our lives in the home we made for each other. I mean, I am not teenager..or young adult..isn't that what we do at this stage of our lives? They were plans of doing things for herself to better herself and embarking upon those things that were on hold until she completed the most important task..that of seeing her children off to their very own lives. I was looking forward to "couple" time. I was looking forward to quiet times together with my best friend. I don't want to lead you to believe that it wasn't a rocky road I traveled to get me there...but I "believed."
I have come a place where I have to understand that my dreams are just that...they are mine. Everyone has a belief system..and engrained "way of life" and how they live that belief outwardly is an indication of where their belief lies. I cannot believe for someone else..only me. I am only responsible for my own reflection. This knowledge; however, is of very little comfort to me right now. "The two become one flesh" is my struggle. It is a prying myself apart from myself. When you GENUINELY, TRULY LOVE someone, they are not seperate from you...they are a PART of you...and unfortunately, that part of me has taken up residence (physically and otherwise)somewhere else. The fact that he probably was really never WITH me has no bearing on that fact that my love for him made him an extension of myself--it is LOVE that does that...not a person.
I struggle with knowing that THIS was the greatest love of all for me apart from that of my children...taking away the fact that love between parent and child and love between a man and a woman are of different "every-day" dynamic and that raising children takes guidance and the ability to be depended upon for their very lives...the LOVE is the same...if it is GENUINE. I would like to share with you the true definition of love that I never realized could ever be a reality in this world...but live everyday:
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries, and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It ALWAYS protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
"And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love."
I KNOW that I LOVE.
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten-thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." ~Washington Irving.
"We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but learning to see the imperfect person perfectly."~Sam Keene.
Signed...Me.
No comments:
Post a Comment