Hold on to your skivs...I'm going a bit nostalgic as this seems to be where I live right now.
Last evening, I was scrolling through pictures on my computer as “The Scientist” by Cold Play played in the background, and I got choked up and teary-eyed, as I viewed the slide show of my life set to music…“Nobody said it was easy…it’s such a shame for us to part…nobody said it was easy….No-one ever said it would be so hard….I’m goin’ back to the start.“ WOW…
I looked at photos of my home, inside and outside, at Christmas-time…how beautiful.. and so MANY memories of being surrounded by all of those who mean EVERYTHING to me…and all the echoes of laughter contained within the walls of this old house. I can’t help but think that this place, the center of my life now, has seen SO MUCH love through the years…I felt it when I first walked through it before deciding to make it “home.”
I instantly fell in love with the vibe of it. It holds within the joys of new birth, partings from this world to the next, and celebrations of all sorts in between. It encompasses lazy days, feverish work, dancing, singing, summer breezes, views out of it’s windows of colorful foliage and sparkling snow. warm fires in this big old fireplace burning the damp out of the air. This house chose ME…my kids chose me…how very, very FORTUNATE I have been. If I were to be called away tomorrow, I surely would have lived a full life, indeed. But still, these things are all bittersweet to me and I cry as I type….
On one hand, I am full of pride and joy watching each one of my children LIVE life to the fullest and squeeze every ounce of it, leaving nothing in the skin, experiencing triumphs and fully KNOWING who they are and where their place is in this world. They are not kids anymore and have become my very best friends and trusted confidants. On the other hand, a lump forms in my throat knowing that they will all soon be gone away from this house and the laughter, dancing, singing, celebrations that were once an everyday occurrence will very soon be few and far between. The sadness begins to envelope me as I know that someday this old house will only have me then, and I it. The conversations will cease…it will be quiet…all very quiet….and I don’t think that either of us wants or deserves that.
How come it is that you feel like the ONLY one on earth who goes through these slide shows, laughs, cries, and feels so deeply all the losses? Why is it so hard to find someone who understands so closely the feelings you are experiencing? Because no one else is you. They can empathize, but they will never quite understand. Letting go is something I am not very good at…never have been I guess…it probably has to do with that LOVE thing--how everything I touch and everything that touches me, so innately becomes a PART. How do you let all of the parts of you go and still have a YOU left? I got bummed out about my across-the-street neighbor cutting down this beautiful red maple he had growing in his yard for crying out loud. It wasn’t mine, but in a small way, somewhere inside of me, it just belonged…I often wonder if I am abnormal. You don’t hear many people talking about their homes as if they are living breathing entities…but to me, it HAS to be, that tree HAS to be, EVERYTHING has the right to really mean SOMETHING to someone, doesn‘t it??
I am fully immersed in this last year of my youngest child’s high-school life. I am hanging on to it as if my life depends on it, I guess. Her softball team won their quarter-final game in sectionals and go against team #2 next week. I was SO excited watching this game and seeing them win. You would have thought I was part of the team (and I suppose by all intent and purpose, I am). I came home way ahead of the bus, but followed the bus in to the school as it passed by the house, got out of my car and walked into the school with them as they carried their equipment to the locker room. I was met at the door by their coach, who thanked me for the nice article I had written here on my blog, entitled “Taking one for the team” about he and the girls. He said something like “It is so nice to know that someone understands what REALLY goes on” He told me that it was very nice and expressed his appreciation. To me…it was NOTHIN’…it is how I feel…mere facts from where I stand…how easy is that? But I felt equally, if not more appreciative of his mere mention of it. That is the way life should be…people just saying things to and doing things for another because something just touched them in some special way. It is probably the most rewarding and heartwarming feeling to know that someone is touched in some way by just a mere expression of something that has touched you…these tiny little gestures that come straight from the heart seem to be lost somewhere these days, though it is encouraging to see that there are a few people left who embrace and hold strong to the simple goodness and realize the reward in it all.
“Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your sea-fairing soul, if either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.”~Kahlil Gibran.
He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus
“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Author Unknown
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